UC Personal Statement # 1 Describe the world you come from

Hi, I am currently looking for editing and comments for my UC personal statement #1. Any comments are greatly appreciated!
I want to make this essay a little shorter, so if you have any idea please tell me!

PROMPT: Describe the world you come-for example, your family community or school-and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

At 7:00 am, my bustling morning begins as I walk into the semi-dark pressroom on the second floor at school. I quickly take a seat myself and start proofreading articles other members provided. My heart flutters with the fear that I won't make it in time. Just then, I rush to Charlie, name of the printer, set the manuscript, and press the start button. For the next ten minutes Charlie is working hard, I take a brief rest and finish the rest of my homework. Pressing stops. I pick up a bunch of still warm newspapers, and I once again rush over through first to fifth floor delivering them. For the past two years, this has long been my weekly ritual.

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Here is my revision I have done. Please check this essay!

The Chief-in-Editor of the School Newspaper

At 7:00 am, my bustling morning begins as I walk into the semi-dark pressroom on the second floor at school. I quickly take a seat myself and start proofreading articles other members provided. My heart flutters with the fear that I won't make it in time. Just then, I rush to Charlie (the printer), set the papaer, and press the start button. For the next ten minutes Charlie is working hard, I finish my homework for the day. When pressing stops, I pick up a bunch of still warm newspapers and rush through each floor from first to fifth delivering them. This has long been my weekly ritual for the past two years.

Three years ago, I switched schools and transferred to Tokyo Metropolitan Kokusai High School. The transition from a small, private middle school to a large diverse public high school affected me in considerable ways. My grades dropped from the top five percent to the top quarter. I could no longer walk to school but needed to take the fully packed train for an hour. And worst of all, in this larger community, I could not feel connected to people. I was lonely.

In eleventh grade, I became chief-in-editor of our student newspaper, The Pioneer. As a group we spent a lot of time collaborating and organizing a ton of issues both inside and outside the school. As time passed, however, this activity came to mean more than just that. Whenever my article appeared in this newspaper, my classmates and teachers began to give me their own feedback and opinions. We discussed various topics ranging from the annual school festival to minority problems in Japan. Working with and leading a group also allowed me to appreciate the presence of staff members who always supported me. This activity lasted two years, and I began to connect with my friends, teachers, and school

Last December, I as well as our members of The Pinoneer won the 29th Tokyo Metropolitan High School Newspaper Competition., With a great deal of time and effort, I thought we had become not only skillful high school journalists but also glue in connecting the community. As I have done during my high school life, I want to pursue a career in journalism and become a bridge between people. Although it might be challenging, I hope I could contribute to bringing the world closer together.

I love the topic! Your first paragraph definitely had my attention. The transition that you took from different schools is also good. My only suggestion would be adding more to your last paragraph describing why being the editor in chief has influenced you. I know that you do mention it but it is very brief. I feel like you can maybe shave off a sentence or two from your other paragraphs and add it to the last one. :)

Thank you! Could you any suggestions of where I should shave off?

I suggest that you cut out the following paragraph from your essay:


The essay just works better without that paragraph. It seems like a stand alone paragraph that does not really connect with the other paragraphs so you can delete it and use the freed up word count to enhance the other aspects of your essay such as your work as an editor in chief.