Here are the two main essays from my Yale supplement. I submitted the app section (yay) but I'm afraid that maybe my supplement just doesn't have enough personality to it. Please tell me what you think, and if you see any obvious revisions, I would really appreciate it!
1.) What in particular about Yale has influenced your decision to apply? (Please answer in 100 words or less.) (I am a little constrained for space in the one)
When a representative came to my school this October, I couldn't wipe the goofy grin off my face the entire presentation; I was enthralled by the attention to detail that Yale places in educating its students. Yale's "course shopping" and its virtually unparalleled commitment to undergraduate education really stuck out to me. But what has most influenced my decision about Yale is the unbelievable community fostered there. Not only have all the Yalies I've met been some of the nicest people ever, but there's also the famous Yale move-in day, and apparently "friendliness" is something sought after in college applicants.
1E). In this essay, please reflect on something you would like us to know about you that we might not learn from the rest of your application, or on something about which you would like to say more. You may write about anything-from personal experiences or interests to intellectual pursuits. (Please answer in 500 words or less.)
Like some life changing experiences, it began with a miracle--teaching myself to parallel park. It was a busy Wednesday on Main Street, and as I walked through the doorway to the above labeled "CRIMINAL JUSTICE CENTER," I felt slightly dwarfed as cars and important-looking, pin-stripe-suited pedestrians passed me by. On the sixth floor, I was greeted kindly but briefly by the directors, Mrs. Self and Mrs. Todd, but didn't see any familiar faces. I later realized that my friends went to the sessions in a different district, which was a minor letdown, and at first, I didn't really understand my purpose there. Still, I persevered, and after my two mandatory sessions as a spectator, sitting inertly in the audience of the courtroom, I became one of the many peer jurors of the Sarasota Teen Court. I was thrilled to finally be doing something.
But things proceeded sluggishly once again. On my first day sitting on the jury, we listened to several, what I would come to realize were, very typical cases. Johnny was caught with contraband here, Timmy got in a fight there. I did my best as a juror, but, how could I relate to any of this? I planned on avoiding that side of the bench. Part of me had already subconsciously decided that these kids had made their choices, they were bad, and that was it.
Short of putting a dog in a stroller, I don't think I could have been more wrong. Not surprisingly, the Honorable Judge Logan knew what he was doing when he began the program some twenty-odd years ago. In Teen Court, the sentences prescribed--including teen jury duties, community service hours, and apology letters--are designed to be more constructive than punitive. As I became more involved, I began to notice that teens whose cases I had heard were now sitting in the jury box. But they weren't the only ones who had come back; one day, one of my best friends from teen court told me that he once sat on the other side of the bar. He was coming back because he had turned his life around and had faith in the program.
The next week, I decided to join him as a teen attorney, taking on the highest responsibility offered to Teen Court participants. Sure the community service hours were great, and the experience in a court of law has been very cool, but the proverbial icing on the cake was something that couldn't simply be put on a resume. It has been the possibility that I might have had some positive influence on my peers that has made this experience so meaningful. Teen Court has taught me so much about the importance of being there for others. I believe that being in an atmosphere where people willingly reach out to each other is what makes a college experience so enriching, and I hope to share what I have learned through Teen Court with the Yale community.
When a representative came to my school this October, I couldn't wipe the goofy grin off my face the entire presentation; I was enthralled by the attention to detail that Yale places in educating its students.
I like if you mentioned a few particular points about that presentation that caught your attention. Also, try to discuss about your goals and how you find them aligned with what Yale offers. Actually, that is the most important aspect of the decision on admission to a university. After all, you need to reach your goals with the help of the uni. So you better include that idea in this first response.
Like some life changing experiences, it began with a miracle--teaching myself to parallel park. It was a busy Wednesday on Main Street, and as I walked through the doorway to the above labeled "CRIMINAL JUSTICE CENTER," I felt slightly dwarfed as cars and important-looking, pin-stripe-suited pedestrians passed me by.
Well... I think you need to improve clarity and presentation of these two sentences. They don't seem to be flowing smoothly. Rather, these sentences seem to be a bit crowded with too many words. I grasped the ideas when I read it for the second time.
On the sixth floor, I was greetedkindly but brieflypolitely by the directors, Mrs. Self and Mrs. Todd, but didn't see any familiar faces.
.... What did you mean by "any familiar faces"? is it that you didn't have any other familiar faces in the jury? or the people there behaved more officially ?
I feel your first paragraph needs some improvement with regard to its presentation. Certain parts seem to be too much detailed and I wonder all that detail really contribute to your main theme.
The rest seems to be good... it is the first paragraph I am a bit confused about :)
Thank you! I really appreciate the comments. I'll have to finagle with the first essay a little bit because it's currently at exactly 100 words, and can't fin in everything that I want to say--but what you said about explaining your goals really makes a lot of sense.
As far as the second essay goes, those are very good points as well. I'm a little stuck with those first two sentences, because they're exactly what I want to say, in my own mind, but it doesn't come out clearly, so I'll have to look into that. Also, that was a great edit, changing it to say "politely." I'll also try to make the following sentence more clear, I meant to say that I didn't see any of my friends--which leads into the following few sentences.
