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Undergraduate   Posts: 5

If Cranes can Dance, I can fly.... University of Richmond essay


ItsokaytoGaga 15 / 101  
Jan 15, 2011   #1
Guys the deadline is today! So I would appreciate any sort of help or comment. :)

Prompt: Tell us about an experience in which you left your comfort zone. How did this experience change you?
After a blistering hot and relaxing summer break, I resumed my last year of high school. I comfortably ingrained myself in my daily routine;, happy to have attained a near perfect equilibrium in balancing my school work and classes. Then, until a friend approached me for help, she was the Cultural Head of her school and her job was to organize the herschools Speech Day. Her task was to choreograph a routine for the school production of 'Sadako and the Thousand Paper Cranes,' so she needed a choreographer. I was happy to help her, so I took the job.

However, to my surprise, the job was not just about teaching a set sequence you might want to use something else instead of sequenceto a bunch of younger high school kids; instead I was supposed to choreograph a solemn routine depicting hope. I was asked to limit and visualize the movements with respect to a crane. The kids had almost negligible sense of rhythm in them and those who did, were made fun of being too 'girly'. Furthermore, making the kids dance like 'cranes', was more difficult than I had fathomed.

Working part-time at my Dance School gave me enough qualification to teach others. Even so, teaching a bunch of kids three years younger than me was daunting and it made me self-conscious and uneasy. I had a rough time trying to handle and discipline them. They made sure on their part to drive me to the limit of patience. I was thrust completely out of my little comfort zone. Pondering over a theme, and choreographing a routine based on it, managing costumes, sets and props, independently, made me feel a little lost. I felt helpless to a point where everything seemed to be going out of control. I was left with two options - either give up and quit, or keep at it and be resilient. As much as I was inclined to choose the former, I decided to stick to my commitment.

Though it seemed like an insurmountable task, I eventually learned to deal with the kids better. I tried my best to make them more comfortable with the routine and the concept and to work like a team. eventually, The kidssaw me as a friend and our friendship allowed me to gage the students' personalities and better choreograph the routine. We worked persistently for two months, practicing and rehearsing with full efforts. It was challenging to make the kids emote and connect to a solemn routine, but it worked perfectly in the end.

There was nervousness and excitement in the air as the final day approached to stage the play. All the effort and thought put into this routine paid off well when I received a standing ovation from the audience. It was thrilling to hear from all my little cranes their feelings while performing on stage. I believe I succeeded in bringing out the elegant cranes in the ruffians by making them dance and emote, and in doing so I found my own weaknesses and strengths.

The whole experience helped me evolve on so many different levels. I grew as a thinker, I learnedto think more creatively and independently. I got gaineda new insight into the minds of the kids and that helped me become a better teacher. I learned to be more patient, which allowed me to become a better choreographer and dancer. The Thisexperience taught me to work under pressure and deadlines, without losing my thought processes. But more importantly, I learned to stick to my commitment, no matter how out of my comfort level the atask might seem. All of us have some weaknesses but it is only through experiences such as this these thatwe realize them. Only by realizing our weakness can we strive to grow and succeed.

So in making cranes dance, I realized that I have wings, which I can flap to soar higher and push myself beyond my limits.

This is way better, but wasn't this due on the 15 of January? It is now the 16th, unless you live somewhere in the world where it is not midnight yet if you do then keep working and good luck.

Thanks for reading! :-) What do you think about the essay? Does it answer the prompt adequately?

Promise 5 / 8  
Jan 15, 2011   #2
Until a and not 'until; a. Experiences such as this and not these. U were creative. I love the way you shnuld what you learnt from your experience. Nice job. The essay is long. Can we be friends?
OP ItsokaytoGaga 15 / 101  
Jan 15, 2011   #3
Thank you Promise! :)
The essay can be up to two pages. (Double-spaced) So I think I will be fine. But any part that felt redundant or unnecessary? Sure we can be friends. :)

GUYS please more help needed! :)
I will help you in turn too!
alexis brandon 17 / 47  
Jan 15, 2011   #4
I like the ending but to make this essay better you need more than just simple sentences as right now it kind of comes off as jumpy. Please read my Wellesley essay it is due today
Anonymoussenior 17 / 141  
Jan 15, 2011   #5
It was a while after the blistering hot summer.- this is an imcomplete thought. Summer... (need to add more)

School had begun the new academic year with full vigor. - ? I am not sure what exactly you are trying to say here.

I was happy to have attained a near perfect equilibrium until; a friend approached me for help. - equilibrium of what?????

However, to my surprise, the job was not just about teaching a set sequence to a bunch of younger high school kids; instead, I was supposed to choreograph a solemn routine depicting sadness, despair and hope.

It was part of the finale of the play. - remove this sentence

I read the entire essay and quite frankly it needs a lot of work. Most of your sentences are simple sentences or incomplete thoughts. Some of your essay seems quite infromal for a college essay such as Those who did were made fun of being too 'girly' - typical high school scenario. Also at times it seems that you expect the admissions officer to know what you are thinking with little to no surrounding information to go by. If you post an edited version with varied sentence structure I will try to help you edit more.


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