Alright so I first started writing the essay and it turned out completely cliche so I started re-writing it and came up with this. This is a rough draft, but I don't think I'm going in the right direction. I don't know if they want a specific instance that demonstrates how I'm fit for their University or if they want something like this. Please help me. Be as critical as you can, thank you so much. I am very worried that I am completely off topic here.
Prompt: NYU is global, urban, inspired, smart, connected, and bold. What can NYU offer you, and what can you offer NYU? (200-400 words)
I cringe when I hear others proudly declare that they "aren't like the others". I'm honored to be like "the others", because I've discovered "the others" are all beautiful, and different, and have a story to tell. Like most other pre-teenagers, I went through a phase where I liked to assert that I hated people, that I was different from the rest and thought I was somehow above others, because I saw everyone as a collective mass. Today I'm happy to declare my love of people.
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You need to focus more on What can NYU offer you, and what can you offer NYU?
You have an awesome essay going. Just a few tweaks, however.
You use many negative sentences that downplay the institution and yourself
NYU doesn't just offer me my dream major and minor
a girl who has only become more dedicated to my studies each year of high school
It wasn't really until my final year of high school that I became involved with my school.
These sentences should be turned around and made positive or taken out.
I love the idea of the entire essay, but you also need to add more of whatyou can offer NYU and what NYU can offer you. I think it is a bad idea to go research and just incorporate some facts for the sake of incorporating facts. Instead, watch some videos of NYU alumni describing their experience, read throughout the website, and get a great feel of what NYU really is, beside the fact page. And genuinely describe why NYU.
Other than that, you got this!
Thank you so much for your reply! It really helped me when editing! I updated it a little bit, if you have time would you mind seeing if this version is any better? Thank you so much
I'm honored to be like "the others", because I've discovered "the others" are all beautiful, and different, and have an intricate story to tell. Like most other pre-teenagers, I went through a phase where I liked to assert that I hated people, that I was different from the rest and thought I was somehow above others, because I saw everyone as a homogeneous mass.
I changed when I realized the throng of people I saw were a collection of individual experiences, stories, and love. I delight in seeing a large group of people, knowing that looking at them I can't know who they all are. I'm a 16 year old girl who is more British than she'd like to admit, has 11 cats, and an unnatural ability at sudoku. People can't tell that about me just by looking at me because I know I can't tell the most interesting things about others so superficially. Psychology at NYU is my top choice because of the large amount of people, and the unique culture living on a campus with no borders creates. NYU offers me a chance to get involved with wildly different people, both in the school and in the city that I love. I have learned that being special doesn't mean separating myself from everyone else, it means doing what I can to positively affect the rest of the people I stand with.
I forced myself to be a shut-in after a few unfortunate life events convinced me the world was cruel. However since then, I've rediscovered my passion for travel, performing arts, and just generally interacting with the world. I am now inspired to experience all I can from the world.
In addition to my dream major and minor, NYU offers me its unique culture and incredible study abroad program allows me to interact with the world no other university can.
I can offer NYU someone who has become increasingly dedicated to my studies each year of high school, and who will continue to advance that dedication. I can offer someone who wants to be part of the campus and the community, and participate in all the opportunities such a vibrant University and city offers.
I don't know who I will be in the future, but I do know no university will shape me better to continue living with the people of the world than will NYU.