Please help me revise my essay! The italic means that I feels that the phrase sounds awkward, and would like you to help me make it more fluid, or advise me how i can do so. The bold are words that I want to be replaced with more...intelligent/elegant word.
Prompt: Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
By dictionary definitions, I am part of a cult. Every Sunday for the past seventeen years, my family and I have aroused ourselves at 3 am to drive to a remote plot of barren desert in the outskirts of Riverside, California. Upon arrival we gather our meditation cushions, and trudge in darkness up to the Meditation Hall to cleanse our souls of the accumulated karma of past lives.
As a youth, I was unable to integrate into my community due to what I perceived as religious differences; and thereby lied about my religious affiliation. I used Buddhism as a cover to avoid awkward explanations of my unique religious status to others. At a young age I found no reason to interact with local children, constantly viewed as the pariah playing by herself and as a stereotypical Asian girl: quiet and compliant.
I was repeatedly taught that I did not pertain to any particular "religion" but to a "method" in which, practitioners earn enlightenment through hours of daily meditation. We are bound by five precepts: Do not lie; do not steal; do not partake in adultery; do not partake in either drugs or alcohol; and do eat kill (and thus, no consumption of either meat or egg). Leading us in this journey towards enlightenment is our Master, the Supreme Master Ching Hai.
All my life, it has been emphasized that the outcome in the afterlife outweighs all other priorities of life on Earth; However, I was never among the other children who blindly accepted this standpoint. After becoming "initiated" into the method, I began to question the basis of our practice. Not many of my questions were answered, and the few that were, were left to be satisfied with weak, general responses; with that, I became overwhelmed with my curiosity. More importantly, I was filled with the concept that if I did not try something, then I will never be able to know what the experience feels like.
If it were possible to convey first hand experiences to another individual, would there still be issues such as violence, especially if the experience of pain was possible to communicate?
Similarly, how could someone describe the taste of beef or chicken to me, a person who has only experienced the touch of fruits and vegetables? Ultimately this disposition became one of the driving forces in my life; motivating me to do things I never would have considered if I had just simply accepted the black and white teachings of the "method".
This desire to experience different opportunities has led to self "indulgences" in things such as consuming meat and egg; simple things that an average person would consider parts of life's norm. When I began to satisfy my curiosity, I discovered that there were several things that were inhibiting my experience of what the world has to offer; and in someway they were rooted in the "method".
To wake up from a pseudo-reality in which the "method" was priority, to a seemingly alternate universe where one who is willing to shed certain beliefs can experience many experiences, is an indescribable sensation. Discarding my religious standard in order to personally discover the world has allowed me to open up and function normally among my peers. But what I have come to value the most is my voracious desire to learn; to have discovered such a gift is a blessing, but to be able to cultivate it is a once in a life time opportunity.
Do I have enough voice in this essay?
Have I sufficiently addressed the prompt?
Also, I really need to shave down the word count for this essay. It is at 580 words, and I need it to be as close to 500 as possible.
Thank You.
Prompt: Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
By dictionary definitions, I am part of a cult. Every Sunday for the past seventeen years, my family and I have aroused ourselves at 3 am to drive to a remote plot of barren desert in the outskirts of Riverside, California. Upon arrival we gather our meditation cushions, and trudge in darkness up to the Meditation Hall to cleanse our souls of the accumulated karma of past lives.
As a youth, I was unable to integrate into my community due to what I perceived as religious differences; and thereby lied about my religious affiliation. I used Buddhism as a cover to avoid awkward explanations of my unique religious status to others. At a young age I found no reason to interact with local children, constantly viewed as the pariah playing by herself and as a stereotypical Asian girl: quiet and compliant.
I was repeatedly taught that I did not pertain to any particular "religion" but to a "method" in which, practitioners earn enlightenment through hours of daily meditation. We are bound by five precepts: Do not lie; do not steal; do not partake in adultery; do not partake in either drugs or alcohol; and do eat kill (and thus, no consumption of either meat or egg). Leading us in this journey towards enlightenment is our Master, the Supreme Master Ching Hai.
All my life, it has been emphasized that the outcome in the afterlife outweighs all other priorities of life on Earth; However, I was never among the other children who blindly accepted this standpoint. After becoming "initiated" into the method, I began to question the basis of our practice. Not many of my questions were answered, and the few that were, were left to be satisfied with weak, general responses; with that, I became overwhelmed with my curiosity. More importantly, I was filled with the concept that if I did not try something, then I will never be able to know what the experience feels like.
If it were possible to convey first hand experiences to another individual, would there still be issues such as violence, especially if the experience of pain was possible to communicate?
Similarly, how could someone describe the taste of beef or chicken to me, a person who has only experienced the touch of fruits and vegetables? Ultimately this disposition became one of the driving forces in my life; motivating me to do things I never would have considered if I had just simply accepted the black and white teachings of the "method".
This desire to experience different opportunities has led to self "indulgences" in things such as consuming meat and egg; simple things that an average person would consider parts of life's norm. When I began to satisfy my curiosity, I discovered that there were several things that were inhibiting my experience of what the world has to offer; and in someway they were rooted in the "method".
To wake up from a pseudo-reality in which the "method" was priority, to a seemingly alternate universe where one who is willing to shed certain beliefs can experience many experiences, is an indescribable sensation. Discarding my religious standard in order to personally discover the world has allowed me to open up and function normally among my peers. But what I have come to value the most is my voracious desire to learn; to have discovered such a gift is a blessing, but to be able to cultivate it is a once in a life time opportunity.
Do I have enough voice in this essay?
Have I sufficiently addressed the prompt?
Also, I really need to shave down the word count for this essay. It is at 580 words, and I need it to be as close to 500 as possible.
Thank You.
