Thank you in advance for constructive criticism :)
Prompt: Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
Hot dogs, hamburgers, baseball games, fireworks, you name it. It's all a part of the American culture to which my family and I have adapted to. Having been immersed in this culture since birth, I have even allowed this atmosphere to shape my identity. However, my parents' nurturing influence instills a rich Filipino and Chinese heritage in me. The result? I am lost in the middle, trying to achieve that perfect integration between two very different cultures.
Luckily, I was able to begin a path of self-discovery when my family and I traveled to the homeland: the Philippines. The way of life in that third-world country was the most shocking contrast to my Southern-Californian lifestyle that I had ever experienced. We had traveled to my father's hometown, which was literally the poorest town I have ever witnessed. Not surprisingly, I was overcome with a sense of embarrassment and self-consciousness as I traversed the town in my flashy clothing and Nike shoes. I thought of my outfit as commonplace, but the townspeople's stares told me otherwise. To make things worse, I could not even speak in the native language of Tagalog.
It was profoundly unsettling to me that I felt so foreign to my roots. I had always felt slightly distant from the American culture because of my ethnic background, yet I was also quite alienated from my native Filipino culture. I had nowhere to turn and the dilemma had me questioning my identity.
Ironically, it was this strange land that actually gave me a much needed revelation. All I needed was my parents' discerning perspective to understand my place in all of this. As we approached my father's childhood home, my father began a sermon about the appreciation of our relatively extravagant lifestyle back in California. I half-heartedly listened to him and thought "Here we go again," that is until we reached the home. We looked across the polluted stream to see a tiny brick shelter roofed with thin metal sheets and tattered tarps; it was roughly the size of our current living room.
As we explored, my father described how he, his parents, and his six other siblings had lived in these cramped quarters. The fact that he had come from such humble origins to succeed and prosper in America is not only a testament of the importance of hard work, but it also opened my eyes to a spirit of boundless achievement.
My experience in the confines of those brick walls allowed me to finally make perfect sense of my situation and discover my true self. I was able to realize that my parents' persistence through adverse circumstances had blessed me with powerful opportunities -- opportunities that I strive to capitalize on in order to expand on the productive actions of my ancestors and contribute to the betterment of our world's societies. I hope to study social structures of and diverse cultures in order to help treat the poverty my forefathers had experienced and other pressing issues afflicting our modern world.
My family has provided me with the grounds to merge my humble heritage with the innovative and dynamic qualities of the American lifestyle. As a hybrid of several cultures, I know that I have the potential and freedom make a difference in the world through the power of a quality education.
This is a great topic for the essay. However, I think that you had added too much context and not enough analysis. Right now, it seems like the essay is more about your parents than it is about you. The last paragraph is the most important because it shows how it has impacted you. This should be the main topic of the essay, not the trip to the Phillipines. I would say condense the first three paragraphs and expand the last paragraph a lot more and be detailed! There are a lot of generalizations made in the last paragraph, and you need to be specific.
Thanks a bunch for the suggestions!
Anyone else?
I tend to agree, although I must say I enjoyed your essay a lot. It was well written and interesting. My few comments are mostly aesthetic...
It was a tiny brick shelter roofed with thin metal sheets and tattered tarps, and was roughly the size of our current living room.
As a hybrid of several cultures, I know that I have the potential and freedom to make a difference in the world through the power of education.
I love the title!
Hot dogs, hamburgers, baseball games, fireworks, you name it. It's all a part of the American culture to which my family and I have adapted.
I am lost in the middle, trying to achieve that perfect integration between two very different cultures.
They have entrusted to me an understood obligation to merge my humble heritage...
Great observations, great reflection. I would write a litle more about my goals for the future if I were you, but that is just my opinion. I think you should show how this legacy of responsibility to synthesize cultures leads you to your chosen field.
I enjoyed reading your essay, good job! I agree that the last paragraph is really interesting and meaningful, and almost seems like another thesis. You can expand the last paragraph of your essay and perhaps condense some of the other descriptive information which was really nice, but doesn't lend as much depth in a tight space to the essay. I guess it is really hard to find a balance between describing and analyzing both parts of the question. I know, I'm writing them too!! Good luck and great start.
Thanks for all of the feedback! I made some revisions here and there buy cutting down on the description of Philippines and adding to the description of my aspirations. I'm not so sure if it made it better or not. Tell me what you think! Thanks again.
This is a very satisfying essay to read, and the only thing I suggest giving some more specific ideas about what your aspirations are. I know you might not have specific ideas yet, but it'll be great if you can name a few places you might like to work, contributions you would like to make... contributions associated with the values you describe here.
Also, here is a little fix: I hope to study social structures of and diverse cultures in order to help alleviate the link of poverty that was experienced by my forefathers and attend to other pressing issues afflicting our modern world.
This is all well-written -- but make it poignant with some more specific aspirations.
:-)
Thanks for everything Kevin!
