I would really love an opinion on my first UC personal statement, basically along the lines of how well my essay addresses the question (I felt the prompt was extremely vague) and how well I get my point across. This essay is similar to my Common App essay which I wrote previously, so I would like to know if I made enough changes for it to be effective enough for the UC prompt as well. Thanks so much in advance!
PROMPT: Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
The cultural differences that I was born into created a very unique atmosphere in my childhood home. Smells of Asian spices always filled the house, but still allowed for the earthy scent of our Christmas tree. I learned that every object had two different words I could call it by, depending on whether I was speaking to mommy or daddy. It never used to be hard for me to accept myself as being half Pakistani and half Caucasian. The music, food, language; all aspects of the two cultures were polar opposites of each other but seemed to create perfect harmony in the life I lived.
Leaving this place of harmony once I became school age meant two different things. It meant being misunderstood, feared, and hated at my Presbyterian elementary school when I greeted new faces with a heartfelt "Assalamu alaikum", despite the fact that it means "may peace be with you". Yet it also meant being judged and alienated at my local mosque for the small things such as how little Arabic I spoke, how little of the Holy Qu'ran I read, and how "western" I acted. Silent judgments, passing remarks. These were regular occurrences no matter where I went or which community I surrounded myself in. As culture was pitted against culture, I found myself caught in the middle; the two halves at war with eachother.
At that point in my life, I knew that my two halves did not make a whole. It made a lost, lonely girl who was stuck on the outside of each culture looking in. A part of me feared that I would never be able to find the identity that I longed for. I struggled alone with which faith to follow, which language to speak, which values to live by. But the questions that kept me up at night were actually the ones which helped shape an identity for myself that others could never label upon me. The development of an independent thought and unique outlook on the world around me would only be shared with those who truly saw me as I am. I learned that those who were quick to judge me in terms of race and religion deserved neither my second thought nor my tears.
Most importantly, these questions led me to realize the true hope for my future. I want to heal and help. A patient doesn't mind what color is your hand when you are writing their prescription. A patient respects your decisions and lives by your advice despite whether or not you share the same faith. A patient has no hesitation in picking up the phone and calling you when they fear the worst. The whole-hearted trust and respect patients grant to their doctors is something that I have never experienced from strangers by growing up in mixed heritage, yet it's something I am determined to achieve someday. I will be viewed as a whole person, rather than just two halves.
The cultural differences that I was born into created a very unique atmosphere in my childhood home. Smells of Asian spices always filled the house, but still allowed for the earthy scent of our Christmas tree. I learned that every object had two different words I could call it by, depending on whether I was speaking to mommy or daddy. It never used to be hard for me to accept myself as being half Pakistani and half Caucasian. The music, food, language; all aspects of the two cultures were polar opposites of each other but seemed to create perfect harmony in the life I lived.
I really like the way you have presented this... good job :)
Leaving this place of harmony once I became school age meant two different things.
... this one sounds a bit confusing for me. I like if you re-phrase this sentence.
Silent judgments, passing remarks. These were regular occurrences no matter where I went or which community I surrounded myself in.
Silent judgments, sarcastic remarks were regular occurrences in this chapter of my life irrespective of which community I had myself in.Good job! I enjoyed reading it :)
