Hello cyber friends! I've posted two of my essays below for the Common App. The first is for the prompt 'topic of your choice' and the second is a response to 'please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below'. It's a little nerve-wracking to put myself out there because I feel that writing is one of my weakest qualities. I would really appreciate any feedback. All criticism is welcome! Thanks :)
ESSAY 1: TOPIC OF YOUR CHOICE
Curiosity whispers in my ear.
It is responsible for getting me into the most peculiar of situations. Curiosity compelled me to hike up Panorama Ridge just to see if the view of Vancouver's Garibaldi Lake looks as surreal as the postcards claim. The water was the same, exquisite shade of blue. It has provoked me to do myriad things of questionable sensibility, like tasting ox tongue and durian - the only fruit that is banned in public places (just remember to plug your nose). Curiosity can be blamed for evoking the relentless use of how and why in my vocabulary.
As a child, I would wander off in search of secret passageways, as if I was an explorer searching for a piece of undiscovered history. My voracious Curiosity has shown me the value of the pursuit of knowledge; that there is merit in the adventure itself. It feeds my insatiable hunger to empathize with others' perspectives. I am fascinated by human interactions, how people like you and me and every other individual, with differing stories and ideologies, are collectively shaping the world.
My affair with lists began early in life. I was eleven when I began to write of the things I wanted to do, experience and understand. I would scribble down all the what-ifs Curiosity stirred in me, as a constant reminder to work towards my goals.
Swing from the chandelier. Meet Jane Goodall. Find my passion. Outwit my sister. That last one hasn't made it off the list...yet.
My bucket list soon became a measure of my growth. Each time I cross something off I impulsively add a new dream to my list.
Swim in bio-luminescent algae. Obliterate the stigma surrounding mental illness. Find another passion. Complete my family tree. Go to university.
My family has always indulged my questions. There is an extra seat for Curiosity at dinner, when my father and I have a good debate over controversies such as synthetic life or illegal organ trade. Or when my sister and I pick apart the meaning behind the lyrics to our favourite songs.
On a solo trip to India in 2010, I lived at an orphanage with 12 street children who had been abused and subjected to psychological trauma. For 3 weeks, I was an honorary Udayan sister. I'm not sure if I taught them more than they taught me: "But Abby, if I wish for something, the opposite will come true". I could not believe what I was hearing. A poisonous ideology had slithered into their minds. They were afraid to dream, strangers to Curiosity.
Watching the sun wake up, it dawned on me that I had been taking Curiosity for granted. It is a privilege, but it should be a basic right. I left each child with a hug, a kiss and a notebook, so they could make their own lists as I was making mine. I am now raising funds for young women to go to university; I want my Udayan sisters to fulfill their lives, while filling their notebooks.
ESSAY 2: EXTRACURRICULAR EXPERIENCE
In the past year, no activity has affected me more than being a volunteer in the Emergency Department at Toronto Western Hospital. The spontaneity of the ER has taught me lessons about myself and provided opportunities to develop skills and overcome fears that would not have been exposed in my otherwise routine life. Every week I embark on an exhilarating and unfamiliar experience. I have seen seizures, heart attacks, anguish, and sorrow in the emergency waiting room. These moments have increased my independence. They have taught me to be a quick and confident decision maker. At the hospital, I am able to see through the window of humanity. What fascinates me is that there is no place more diverse than a hospital, which does not discriminate between the affluent, the underprivileged, the homeless, the rape victim, the colleague, the tourist, or the refugee. It allows me to meet people from all walks of life and expose myself to a broader understanding of life and death.
I honestly thought the first essay was awesome. The first paragraph is weaker than the rest of the essay, so work on that because that's where the reader will be getting their first opinion of you. The rest of it though, was enthralling and easy to read and understand, and it all flowed really well and painted a good picture of you as a person. I love the part where you talk about "Curiosity at dinner," it reminded me of that poem "The Death of Allegory." Really good stuff.
As for the second one, also really good. My only advice would be to consider using something in place of "the window of humanity." It sounds kind of cliche.
Check out my essays if you get a chance
The first essay was definitely spot on. I would suggest that you expand on maybe how you encouraged those kids to find Curiosity. One or two sentences more about how you encouraged them to dream, maybe you tried to make their dream come true? It isn't really a necessity thing, but I do think that it will make the last 2 paragraphs stronger.
The second essay was strong, though not as much as the first. I think you could give try to give a short anecdote that emphasizes your independence or overcoming of fears or expanding on that "no discrimination" line. It is such an interesting thought because of how much racism and class warfare going on all the time, no?
Hope that provides some help! Great essays =D
The water was the same, exquisite shade of blue. (I feel like that comma doesn't need to be there)
I like the intro of your first essay, it's creative! I also like how you make "curiosity" a noun with a capital "C" =)
However, try not to say "you" or "your" in college essays...there's just something about it, not sure what, but it's what I've been told by my English teacher.
(just remember to plug your nose) you could maybe say that it's a smelly fruit or something.
Your short answer response is really good, I like your topic. However, I think you could maybe add one short sentence in the end, to sort of close it up? It seems a bit abrupt as it is, but maybe it's just me.
The water was the same, exquisite shade of blue---This line creates incoherence is the paragraph...Either delete is completely or attach it to the previous sentence like-[b] Curiosity compelled me to hike up Panorama Ridge just to see if the view of Vancouver's Garibaldi Lake looks as surreal as the postcards claim,to confirm whether the water was the same, exquisite shade of blue.[/b]
as if I was an explorer---replace "as" with "though"
all the what-ifs Curiosity stirred in me, as a constant reminder to work towards my goals---delete the comma in between
when my father and I have a good debate---replace this with- where my father and i have heated debates
Or when my sister and I ---similarly replace "when" with "where"...this is because you are talking about your dinner table and can't refer to a place with "when"
On a solo trip to India in 2010, I lived at an orphanage with 12 street children who had been abused and subjected to psychological trauma---okay, there's nothing wrong with this sentence at all; it's just that there is a very abrupt transition between the previous paragraph and this one..Maybe you could introduce this line with a better transition that relates to all the stuff that you have said before, like- Before long, my list included a plethora of countries and places i would like to visit.I was able to cross off visiting India from the list when i made a solo trip there in 2010...
than being a volunteer in the Emergency Department---replace this with "than volunteering in the Emergency Department"
and provided opportunities---this should be "and provided me with"
That's all the grammar and style errors that could find... Your first essay is particularly memorable and i suggest you stick with it...
Wow, thanks so much for help, guys! I'll definitely check out all your essays.
I'll stick with the first essay and try to change up first and last paragraph like you guys suggested.
My second essay does sound a bit overdone and cliche now that I think about it. I'm sure there are a ton of people out there who write about volunteering in a hospital, so I might change it entirely and write about something more unique, or try and add some imagery of a particular event and take out the generic description. Because really, anyone can say "These moments have increased my independence"...it's not really personal and doesn't say much about me.
Thanks again :)
Your first essay is awesome. Though you may want to elaborate the part where you help the orphaned children in India. It will make your essay stronger.
The second one is good too but it doesn't tell much about you. Try to include a specific experience at the hospital if you can.
Both the essays are very well written and hold the reader in. Good luck
Also try and look at my EC essay if you can. Thanks a lot.
