Common App Prompt #1: Some students have a background, identity, interest or talent that is so meaningful they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.
My birthmark - the mysteries of the mole
I always made my grandmother lose her balance during her outdoor tai-chi sessions. Focusing on her feng-shui, grandma - my wŕipó in Mandarin - always shrugged off my high-pitched questions whenever I pestered her. These daunting inquiries of "Does the sky ever end?" and "Can we fly?" remained unsettled as wŕipó shook her head and continued to maintain her single whip movement. Unfortunately, she didn't comprehend multifaceted astronomy or physiology.
One day, I biked to my childhood oasis, Jellybean Park, to find my answers. At the apex of Earth's gravitational potential energy, I launched myself off the swing-set at maximum velocity. Channeling my inner flying squirrel, I defied every law of physics, outwitted the human anatomy, and ended up falling to the ground, wincing in pain and enveloped in woodchips. I finally discovered that humans couldn't fly - one of my more painful childhood revelations.
The most baffling question I had was about my birthmark, the most prominent feature of my face. This black dot is smack-dab in the middle of my forehead: a true enigma. One time, I read on Yahoo Answers that moles proportional to one's face indicated malignance. When I anxiously asked wŕipó if it was my kiss of death, she gave her usual, heartening response of "It's what makes you special!" I didn't buy her words of reassurance. She made the same remark about my cousin's crooked baby teeth.
My task as an 8-year-old: to decode the mysteries of the mole.
Once my fascination - or perhaps fear - of my blemish was kindled, I sought the truth about my odd phenotype. Determined to figure out if it was symmetrical and cancerous, the young scientist in me resorted to experimentation. Thus, at the age of 8, I began my first scientific study sitting cross-legged on a cold, 5' x 8' bathroom floor. Bendable ruler and permanent Sharpie marker in hand, I drew distinct dashed lines, methodically joining a large birthmark at the center of my forehead to my temples. I proportionalized both sides of my forehead where my mark was, finding the measurements to be equal: 17.5 centimeters. Conclusion: my hypothesis of evenness and cancer was supported by my data (this was later embarrassingly disproven by my pediatrician).
My childhood inquisitiveness ultimately grew into something larger, and thankfully it wasn't finding out that I had skin cancer! As odd as it is, my discovery was the root of my infatuation with research, a culmination of my innate curiosity. From forming a hypothesis to deducing my answers, that one summer morning gave my childhood fascination clarity. It was a scientific catharsis that ensued next to a toilet.
Through research, I learned that I can fly. I soar beyond the boundaries of a classroom into a realm of independent thinking and instinctive questioning. Newton's laws of motion can't fetter my aspirations. Whether it be assaying the olfactory learning of Drosophila, determining the relationship between gene expression and behavior, or measuring the congruity of my face, my wings of inquisitiveness and tenacity haven't been clipped. My desire to connect these perplexing puzzle pieces defines who I am, at my core - it's perpetual and limitless like the sky.
Science is fascination in its purest form: evoking curiosity, thought, and vibrant inspiration. To this day, it's my outlet to pursue similarly cathartic "Aha!" moments, even though they might now be more intricate than measuring the congruity of my face, and a little less daunting than performing an amateur cancer diagnosis. So, I guess wŕipó was right. Though I didn't realize it as an obnoxious and slightly overweight 8-year-old, my distinctive birthmark is what makes me special. Without it, my many questions and ideas would remain undiagnosed. This oddity ultimately birthed my scientific intellect, breathing life into my ambition to connect more dots and to seek greater epiphanies. Hopefully the next ones don't involve any more painful forehead scrubbing sessions!@kc1099
Wow, great essay! Some suggestions:
I think you need a better way to connect the first paragraph with the third. The second paragraph, although well-written and hints at later interest in science and research, disrupts the link between your questions. You could put it later in the paragraph to connect to your other mentions of interest in science.
When you use dashes, such as "humans couldn't fly - one of my", using 2 dashes with no space between the words (like this: "my grandma--waipo in Mandarin--always shrugged off") shows up as a long dash on the Common App and also cuts down on word count, as it recognizes grandma--waipo as one word.
Also, I think you're misusing a lot of the italicizing. All of the italicized phrases could do without; this misuse of a writing mechanic could annoy the admissions officers.
In the last paragraph, you can omit the details about you being obnoxious and overweight. It doesn't add anything to your main point. I understand you want to add such details to make the essay more personal, but you could go with adjectives that show you in a positive light and also relate to your research-oriented personality. For example, "inquisitive" and "intensely curious" both work.
Keep up the great work!
@angeli6778
Thank you so much for the suggestions! I didn't know that about the two dashes trick, I tried it and my word count was lowered significantly!
I made some changes, but I am still a bit confused as to how to better organize the first 3 paragraphs. I've been struggling a bit to make them connect and flow more fluently. Should I cut out the 2nd paragraph and move it somewhere else, would that make the structure of the essay more clear? Thanks again!
@kc1099
I would try keeping the second paragraph's references to science and putting it together with your first "scientific investigation." For example:
Determined to figure out if (...) resorted to experimentation. I had previously tested out my question of human flight when I launch myself from the swing set, broke laws of physics, anatomy, etc. Now, I began my first full-fledged scientific study sitting ...
I think that's a good way to tie in the content of paragraph 2 without taking focus away from your investigation of your mole.
@angeli6778
That's a great spot to put it in! I tried to re-organize my essay based on your suggestions, here is the revised version:
__________________________________________
I always made my grandmother lose her balance during her outdoor tai-chi sessions. Focusing on her feng-shui, grandma-my wŕipó in Mandarin-always shrugged off my high-pitched questions whenever I pestered her. These daunting inquiries of "Does the sky ever end?" and "Can we fly?" remained unsettled as wŕipó shook her head and continued to maintain her single whip movement. Unfortunately, she didn't comprehend multifaceted astronomy or physiology.
The most baffling question I had was about my birthmark, the most prominent feature ...
My task as an 8-year-old: to decode the mysteries of the mole.
Once my fascination-or perhaps fear-of my blemish was kindled, I sought the truth about my odd phenotype. Determined to figure out if it was symmetrical and cancerous, the young scientist in me resorted to experimentation. I had previously employed this method to answer my question of human flight. After a long trek to my childhood oasis, Jellybean Park, I was determined to soar. At the apex of Earth's gravitational potential energy, I launched myself off the swing-set at maximum velocity. Channeling my inner flying squirrel, I defied every law of physics, outwitted the human anatomy, and ended up falling to the ground, wincing in pain and enveloped in wood-chips. I finally discovered that humans couldn't fly-one of my more painful childhood revelations.
Now, at the age of 8, I began my first scientific study sitting cross-legged on a cold, 5' x 8' bathroom floor. Bendable ruler and permanent Sharpie marker in hand, I drew distinct dashed lines, methodically joining a large birthmark at the center of my forehead to my temples. I proportionalized both sides of my forehead where my mark was, finding the measurements to be equal: 17.5 centimeters. Conclusion: my hypothesis of evenness and cancer was supported by my data (this was later embarrassingly disproven by my pediatrician).
My childhood inquisitiveness ultimately grew into something larger...
Through research, I learned that I can fly. I soar beyond the boundaries ...
Science is fascination in its purest form: evoking curiosity, thought...
______________
Please let me know if there is anything else that should be fixed. Your suggestions are very helpful, so thanks again for that!
Also, I was wondering if this essay fits the Common App Prompt #4 (Describe a problem you've solved or a problem you'd like to solve. It can be an intellectual challenge, a research query, an ethical dilemma-anything that is of personal importance, no matter the scale. Explain its significance to you and what steps you took or could be taken to identify a solution) better than my current one? I feel like both fit!
@kc1099
Hmm, now that you mention prompt 4, I do feel like this essay focuses more on solving the mystery of your birthmark than your curious trait. However, right now the essay doesn't focus enough on solving the problem to fit prompt 4. Depending on which prompt you decide to answer in the end, the essay could be revised to add focus on that topic. Even for the current prompt, I think you need to elaborate more on your background in research because the prompt does ask for something that is essential to understanding you as a person, so maybe some description on science classes, research opportunities, or more recent examples of curiosity to show that this trait has continued from childhood until now, making you who you are. If you choose to use prompt 4, then you should write more about solving the particular birthmark problem, with a conclusion that solving this problem led to your interest in research/science. Hope this helps :)
@angeli6778
Got it! I think I'd rather stick with prompt 1 then, since I want to make my essay more about my interest with science/research rather than simply the experiment. Other parts of my application (extracurriculars, letters of rec) mention all of my activities involved in research, so would it be too much to also mention them in my essay?
Also, should there be any changes to the revised version I sent before? I tried to re-organize the essay to make it flow better. Thanks!
@kc1099
Nope, it's good that you have ECs in research to back up your claim, and your essay is a good view into what fueled your interest in the first place.
Also, I don't know if it's the format of this website or something else, but make sure to use 2 dashes for phrases like "humans couldn't fly-- one of my" and "grandma-- my wŕipó in Mandarin-- ", that's the only way it'll show up as a long dash, otherwise it would just be 1 short hyphen.
Everything else looks good. Best of luck to you :)
