'customs and personas' - Duke a good match for you essay question

Read my essay for duke and comment and grammar proof it

Prompt: (For Arts and Sciences Applicants Only) If you are applying to Trinity College of Arts and Sciences, please discuss why you consider Duke a good match for you. Is there something in particular at Duke that attracts you? Please limit your response to one or two paragraphs.

First came the daily college emails, then the hundreds of college postcards. As these emails and postcards became mundane, I discovered one essential feature that all these schools lackedïdiversity. With its invaluable contribution to life, diversity provides us with the opportunity to discover a variety of outlooks and endows us with unprecedented experiences. This characteristic, which ranges from one's ethnic background to one's unique laughter, separates people from one another and accentuates how every individual is distinct. Because diversity plays such a crucial role in our lives, I proudly display my diverse culture, personality, and interests. On the other hand, I have been raised in a tight-knit community, which has partially blinded me of the variety of customs and personas that lie beyond my hometown.

However, as I persistently continued to look for a college that possessed authentic diversity, I came across Duke University. Being a university that is prominent for and encourages its diversity, Duke will alleviate my desire for diversity. Having over seventy nations represented here, Duke offers me the unique backgrounds of the students, professors, and tradition that comprise Duke. I would be privileged to add my idiosyncratic outlooks and attributes to the melting pot that Duke offers. On another note, because Duke furnishes a broad range of majors, programs, and extracurricular activities, I would be one of the select few who are genuinely enriched by Duke's numerous opportunities. Duke also has an array of study aboard programs, allowing me to fulfill my aspiration of studying in India. With the dynamic aspects of diversity that Duke promotes, I will finally be able to venture into new world that not only engage me but also inspire me.

"On the other hand, I have been raised in a tight-knit community, which has partially blinded me of the variety of customs and personas that lie beyond my hometown."

Replace "on the other hand" with "furthermore". This sentence is also kind of abrupt and a little confusing. Clarify it by stating how Duke will allow you to expand your horizons from the community in which you were raised.

"Being a university that is prominent for and encourages its diversity, Duke will alleviate my desire for diversity. Having over seventy nations represented here, Duke offers me the unique backgrounds of the students, professors, and tradition that comprise Duke."

Change the first part of the sentence to "As a university in which diversity is prominent and encouraged". Also, I don't know if "alleviate" is really the right word to use here...it feels awkward.

This characteristic, which ranges from one's ethnic background to one's unique laughter,---I love this!!

On the other hand, I have been raised in a tight-knit community, which has partially blinded me to the variety of customs and persona's that lie beyond my hometown.

However, as I persistently continued to look for a college that possessed authentic diversity, I came across Duke University. Being a university that is prominent for and encourages its diversity, Duke will alleviate my desire for diversity.---You use the word 'diversity too many times in these two sentences! A good rule of thumb is to read your essay out loud to yourself, see how it sounds.

... I would be one of the select few who are genuinely enriched by Duke's numerous opportunities.---This sounds very bad! You're putting down the other students and don't even know them! Not saying much for the school, either!

What do you want to study?

Good luck in school and have fun!

:)