What attribute of your personality are you most proud of, and how has it impacted your life so far? This could be your creativity, effective leadership, sense of humor, integrity, or anything else you'd like to tell us about. (*) (200-250 words)
A group of students gathered in a circle in the corner of the classroom. It seemed that they were sharing something.
My friend left the group and come to me. "Come, follow me, I have something to share to you, don't tell anyone else," he whispered in my ear. At this moment, my heart was struggling; I was wondering should I follow him.
A moment later, more students joined the group than before and they were very happy with the exam leaks. I knew it is wrong, but it placed me in a dilemma; if I didn't look at the exam leaks, my class rank would be affected as almost all students in the class had had a look on it. Yet, if I followed, it is not compatible with my personality.
At last, I chose not to follow them. I felt that the exam is meaningless if I had known the exam questions. For me, exam is a platform to determine how much I know; it is not a platform to compete to each other. So, I told to myself, "I will only compete with myself."
After all, I worked hard for the exam as usual and I ignored every single leaks. Though I couldn't get the result as good as the rest of them, still I was proud of myself for my strong determination. It made me realize that there is no "short-cuts" in our life and I should persist in doing something in the right way.
Appreciate any new ideas or critiques.
You need to work on your tenses and pronouns. Also, you have some unnecessary pronouns in the essay. Besides that, it shows that you are an honest worker and I liked it!!! Be sure to read my Cornell Supplement!!!
Hi there,
Thanks for the comment! Any suggestion for the word?
I have something to share with you, but you must keep it a secret
At this moment, my heart was struggling; I was wondering should I follow him.
struggling? maybe replace it with pounding or hammering. struggling sounds like you are going into cardiac arrest.
maybe rephrase to say: My heart hammering against my chest, I pondered whether to follow him.
A moment later, more students joined the group than before and they were very happy with the exam leaks.
Maybe say: Against better judgement, I followed him only to be swarmed by additional students within minutes. I felt stifled among my fellow classmates, all excited to receive next weeks exam answers.
but it placed me in a dilemma to but I had a dilemma look at the exam answers and do well, or choose not to and risk losing my current class rank.
Yet, if I followed, it is not compatible with my personality.
I would cut this sentence honestly or place it elsewhere as it disrupts the flow.
exam was meaningless. I don't know that you should say an exam was meaningless.
every single leak- no s.
[URGENT!]Strong sense+interaction problem--MIT Short Essays
What attribute of your personality are you most proud of, and how has it impacted your life so far? This could be your creativity, effective leadership, sense of humor, integrity, or anything else you'd like to tell us about. (*) (200-250 words)
The attribute that I am most proud of myself is my strong sense of what is right and wrong.
I recall when I was a ninth grader a group of students gathered in a circle in the corner of the classroom. It seemed that they were sharing something. A moment later, my friend left the group and come to me.
"Come, follow me. I have something to share with you. Don't tell anyone else, we have got the answers!"
I followed him only to be swarmed by additional students within minutes. I felt stifled among my fellow classmates, all excited to receive next week's exam answers. I knew it is wrong, but I had a dilemma look at the exam answers and do well, or choose not to and risk losing my current class rank.
At last, I chose not to follow them. For me, exam is a platform to determine how much I know; it is not a platform to compete to each other. I felt that the exam was meaningless if I had known the answers. So, I told to myself, "I will only compete with myself."
After all, I worked hard for the exam as usual. Though my result was not as good as theirs, still I was proud of myself as the result was what I get from my hard work. It made me realize that there is no "short-cuts" in life and I should persist in doing things in the right way.
Tell us about the most significant challenge you've faced or something important that didn't go according to plan. How did you manage the situation?(*) (200-250 words)
During my ninth grade's school holiday, I worked in a sport specialist shop as a sales assistant. I enjoyed the work very much as I love helping people. It was a great relieve to solve other's problems.
However, I couldn't really interact with my colleagues. I had no idea what should I talk to them; I couldn't hold long conversation with them. This made the work become dull and boring especially when there was no customer.
I know it was wrong. So, I bought a book, "How to Instantly Connect to Anyone" by Leil Lowndes and finished it within a day. On the next morning, I came to work with "strategies" learnt from the book crawling all over my mind and I tried one of them.
"Hello there," I said, "Any suggestion I can get mouth devouring food around Georgetown?"
"Sorry, we can't help," they said.
I was speechless. I replied them with a smile along with a thank you. It was not going according to the book!
I didn't know what went wrong until I observe them. I found that before they speak, they were always thinking about the others. They were really truthful in building relationship.
Hence, I tried to think in their perspective when I interact with them. For example, I tried not to talk about computers as they mentioned that they were technophobes. The result was overwhelming and I couldn't stop chatting with them. Until today, we can have endless conversations.
My first language is not english, please help me!
I will appreciate any comments, critiques and suggestions. Although my english is not good, i will help you in return by giving comments. Thanks you!!
Your answers to the first and second questions are good but your approach to the questions I am not sure if it is proper.
Focus more on the attribute of being honest and what it means to you personally. Try to reduce the quotations like for example:
... later, my friend left the group and come to me. "Come, follow me. I have something to share with you. Don't tell anyone else, we have got the answers!"
Could be re-written as :
... later my friend left the group and approached me. He wanted me to follow him to share with me the answers to the coming exam ...
The same approach should go for the second question.
I think it is best you describe what took place rather than show dialogues of what happened.
Hope it help in any way = )
Thanks you so much, NSRP
np ... we are all here to help one another ... lots of success = )
First of all you should reduce the dialects in the essay
they take up too much space in your essay.also, you should focus more on your internal conflict about looking at the answer and how you manage the situation instead of the background information of what happened
Thanks for the coment, lollipops4all. I agree that the dialects do take up a lot of spaces in the essay.
Any comments for my grammar and flow?
please also comment on my short answers, i would read yours if you read mine, thanks.
for the first response, when your write " For me, exam is a platform to determine how much I know" i think you should make it sound less like a cliche a teacher would say. try to sound a bit more original by changinging up the diction and syntax
Thank you, amjeezy