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"A life of motivation" and "Deep determination" UC prompts


zzeal 1 / -  
Nov 26, 2009   #1
Can you give me a feedback on my essays? I know its not the best so I need some proofreading. Thanks in advance.

Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

Being the first United States citizen in my family, my parents had great expectations for me, my mother especially. She always helped me with my homework as much as she can. Without my mother's guidance, there no doubt in my mind, I would had fallen behind my studies and might have ended up being a mischievous child. Throughout my childhood years, she taught me the morals that I stand by today.

My father, a former farmer, who had a different perspective of how to live, chose to move to the United States to have a more auspicious life. My father has worked day and night to reach from poverty to success and surpassed his own expectations. Now, as an engineer, he is the core of my aspirations and dreams that I hope to acquire and succeed in my life. My father was always there for me when I asked questions and he was always there to answer them.

As the years of my childhood had gone by, I became more mature and began ask myself what the purpose of my existence and how will I end up in life. Through interests and influences by my parents' anticipation, I found that there were many interests that I possessed such as technology. But that was not enough for me, for I had my own expectations that I hope to seek and to reflect on. It was not until high school when I became interested in the science field. Thanks to my science teachers, they gave me such much knowledge, yet they gave me so few, for science have millions of ideas left undiscovered. I hope that in the near future, I am the one to discover the undiscovered.

My experience during high school has also evoked an unforeseen tendency that I have accustomed to. Seeing many students who are more unfortunate than I am, my obligations towards my fellow student's well being were necessary, motivating me to become a more helpful person. So, I decided to participate in community service outside my school, working with children who come from a low income family and help motivate themselves through reading and living healthy during summer and help them with their homework during the school year. The most rewarding thing I've gotten by these children was not for the hours I accumulate, but for their smiles on their face and knowing that someone cares for them. I hope that helping people would be part of what I'll do for the future.

It was not until an ill-stricken event that I decided to devote myself to science. My uncle, a family man has succumbed to a stroke and was left to die in the hospital. Although I was never close to him, it was the family bond that made me struggle towards such misfortune. Feeling so shocked, I could do nothing to for him, but lament for his death. Helpless because of my lack of knowledge, I was determined to prevent this from happening to anyone else. This stroked a flare upon me, to incorporate science with helping people. Whether it is discovering a disease or creating a drug that can cure cancer, I want to be part of the science field because of the limitless possibilities of which it can give. I thank my uncle for encouraging me fortuitously for giving me a desire to be part of science.

Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

Ever since my freshman year of high school, I've been catching my breath, exhausted from every stroke I take and every style I do. But it wasn't easy, many people had joined the swimming team, and half of them ended of staying. I understood why those people quit as the training began to get harder. Waking up every morning feeling sore and my body seems to give up; I only hope that the next practice would be easier.

"Let's keep going," were the words of my coach. She was very strict and had plans to make me suffer. Before I even came to contact with the pool, my heart pumped and part of my mind is telling me that I will regret it. My muscles began to tighten and my right leg seems to take the most damage began to tremble. Fear came into my mind as I thought about drowning. The deep, cold water I submerged into was gruesome and the intervals of strokes were so many that I lost count. My arms flung side to side and mouth gasps for air, I felt lightheaded because of the lack of oxygen as pressure in the water was heavy and my ears began to pop. Finally, I've reached to the end of the pool and looking behind me to see where I was as if it was a race. I've often experienced cramps that would occur spontaneously. The cramps were so painful that I ended up walking out of the pool in the middle of practice to stretch it out. Even then, the pain caused by the cramp still hurt and yet I kept going. It was only a minor inconvenience from the words of my coach. I smiled and knew she was right.

After practice was over, I could barely walk and had only enough energy to go back home. The only thing that helped me manage to keep going was the voice in my head. It told me to never to quit which always rejuvenated my energy. As time progresses, the hours of swimming has paid off; my strokes pulled through the water in the pool with ease like a fish while lasting twice last long when I first started committing myself to swimming. I can feel my body feeling stronger. Thanks to the long, hard hours of swimming, my athletic ability has improved.

Swimming has been the toughest workout that I have ever done. With perseverance, I managed to become a stronger and healthier person. But I am most proud of finishing the whole season of practice. Quitting was not an option for me because I would not have achieved anything.


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