Hello, I selected this question as my prompt for the app: "Recount an incident or time when you experienced failure. How did it affect you, and what lessons did you learn?". I included my rough draft and the subsequent "refined" version. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated.
"Refined" Draft:
During the first semester of my sophomore year, the CyberPatriot team was started, and I was elected as captain due to my experience with computers and reputations in the pre-engineering club Ctec. This is a national competition held by the Air Force Association, and my job was to lead the team to victory. Simple. It wasn't, however, because on top of that, I had to balance my school work, which included two mathematics classes, in the most rigorous level possible, along with computer science AP and six other classes. Furthermore, at the time I was under the impression that I was ready to take on big challenges and with the success of my freshman year reassuring me it was all going to be easy, I assumed I would be able to accomplish everything even though I lived almost an hour away and had never run a team or a club before.
The product of this disaster comes as no surprise; I failed. I found out -rather quickly- that I did not have enough time to form a team which could compete on a national level and also manage to complete all my homework in time. I began devoting most of my time to completing homework which means that my team suffered, and looking back now I probably should have resigned my responsibilities toward the team. However, I chose to continue my efforts rather than abandoning my responsibilities toward the team, unfortunately, we did not make it past the third round having completed insufficient requirements due to a lack of preparation and crippling technical difficulties from which we could not recover.
After the whole ordeal, I felt utterly defeated and frustrated with myself over how I did not prepare the team for the competition. However, it was our first time in such a competition, and although we prepared in many ways, such as having a computer science major lecture, I still felt guilty and responsible especially because it eventually affected my grades during such a time of change in my academic rigor. From that experience I learned moderation and that I am not Superman and can not do everything at once. Furthermore, I began my experience of leading teams and clubs by learning that when I am in charge, time management and organization is paramount. This lesson is one I hope to utilize in college when I am in charge of myself and faced with the decision of what I should dedicate my time to along with what organizations or research projects to commit to. All these events, however, did not deter me entirely from trying my hand at leading again. This year, my senior year, I am once again captain of one of two CyberPatriot teams, and the President of the Society of Student Scientists. I hope to vindicate myself this year and lead and expand a small science club through a campaign of fun and exciting experiment topics such as 3D printing with a projector and rocketry, and train and lead a rag tag group of people to win a national cyber security competition using my past experience as a lesson of what can happen if do not manage my time properly.
I apologize for the size of this thread, however, your opinions on either of these two essays are greatly appreciated, thank you.
Overall its a good essay but just a couple of tweaks would make it even better (Refined Draft Only)
1. first line talks about cyberpatriot 'team' but the second line changes the subject to the competition itself. So you might wanna change the second sentence to something like 'the team
was created for a national....'
2.
Simple. It wasn't, however, because on top of that
'
However, it was easier said than done ' might be an alternative
3. The product of the disaster
CAME as no surprise (make sure to maintain tense)
4. ' I began devoting most of my time to completing homework which
meant that my team suffered'
5. 'Rag tag group of people' is not a proper thing to say in this circumstance so change that to 'interested'
6. lesson of what can happen if
I do not manage my time properly
