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'My dad says not to give up' - Role Model Essay



katika2008 1 / 3  
Oct 29, 2008   #1
C.Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence

As you form a multitude of relationships with different individuals, many people become an influence in your life. However, not all of them give you the inspiration to follow their path. I always thought that life was a box of surprises and that people can influence you to the wrong place. Therefore, you never know what is going to happen or where you are going to end up. The person that marked and has guided me the most through my whole life has been my dad. I never thought that someday I would accomplish my dreams in another country. I was a lovely and happy girl living in my native country and due to economic situations, my family moved to the United States. It is hard to live in a country where you were not born. Learning the culture, language and lifestyle were some of the struggles that I had to face when I first came to the United States. I remember a cloudy afternoon in February, 2004, when I had to present a project for my science class and I was not able to present it. I did not know the language and it was frustrating for me to know the material and not be able to express myself. I had always been an independent young woman and bright student. I remember that when I got home that afternoon, I could not hold in my tears. My dad, who has been my best friend and supporter, asked me that what was wrong. I simply replied, "Nothing, it is just that I do not understand anything at school.'' My dad's response was "No te rindas" or "Do not give up." Since I was a little girl, he taught me morals and responsibilities that placed a very important value on my school grades. His words really left a mark deep inside my heart and from that moment on, with his support, I started facing my struggles with the language. In less than a year, I learned to speak English. I think it was a matter of hard work and not time. I began to read more, I listened to everything in English and I also joined an afterschool tutoring program in which I learned grammar, spelling and the pronunciation rules of my second language.

I am very thankful that my dad has always been there for me. Not only did he give me advice and support to continue in the face of my struggles, but he has also been a role model. I am who I am today because of his upbringing. I am a responsible girl who has dreams and who wants to get an education. Like Shakespeare said: "We know what we are, know not what we may be". While I do not know what my future holds or how I will spend the rest of my life, I know that education will give me the opportunity to achieve my goals, to be an independent young woman and to be a role model for people.

EF_Team5 - / 1583  
Oct 30, 2008   #2
Good afternoon.

Your opening paragraph is good, but it is made up of many short, choppy sentences. This gives your essay a very "start and stop" flow, which is disruptive to the reader. Try condensing and/or combining sentences here to smooth out this flow. Try reading it out loud to figure out what would work here.

Place a comma after "dad" and "supporter"; then put a period after "wrong" and begin the new sentence with "I." Replace the colon with a comma before "nothing." Make sure since you began this sentence as dialogue with quotation marks that you end the dialogue with quotation marks also. They should go after "school."

Make sure your ending punctuation is always inside those quotation marks. For instance, "Do not give up."

Change the comma after "life" to a period and begin a new sentence with "While."

Change "women" to "woman" and place a comma after it.

I hope this helps!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
OP katika2008 1 / 3  
Oct 30, 2008   #3
Thanks for your help and time. I will make those as soon as possible
spinningjenny 1 / 1  
Oct 30, 2008   #4
Awh, I think your essay is very sweet. I like when your father tells you 'No te rindas'; that's very moving. I also thought 'I could not hold in my tears' was very expressive of the intensity of your feeling.

I wish there was more of that type of writing in the essay, though. You are telling the reader that it is hard to cope in a new place, not showing us. For example, why was the science project so hard? Did you think that everyone else thought you didn't understand the material when you really did? Or did you hate how much you had to concentrate on each word when it would have been so easy in your native country?

I also think it would also be a much stronger essay if you wrote about what you did to learn English (did you take classes or use textbooks or just really focus on learning it in school?), again proving to the reader how hard you worked instead of just telling us.

I recommend cutting the second person out of your first paragraph; "You never know what is going to happen or where you are going to end up," sounds like a teacher. Try phrasing it in terms of yourself.

You should really think about your quote at the end of the essay. It's a beautiful sentiment but it feels like you've stuck that in just to have a Shakespeare quote. If that really is something you want to express, develop it more.

This essay has a lot of potential and is immediately touching. It'd benefit from more examples and be sure when you're writing that you're saying what you really want to say, not relying on cliches (like 'Life is a box of surprises' and 'nothing is guarentee in life').

I hope that was helpful, it's a very adorable essay. Good luck!
OP katika2008 1 / 3  
Oct 30, 2008   #5
Thank you for your suggestions. They really helped me a lot. I gave more details and explain it. i am going to post it once i am done.

Thanks =)
OP katika2008 1 / 3  
Oct 30, 2008   #6
I made corrections, and explained more some ideas, i don't know if know it flows.

As you form a multitude of relationships with different individuals, many people become an influence in your life. However, not all of them give you the inspiration to follow their path. I always thought that life was a box of surprises and that people can influence you to the wrong place. Therefore, you never know what is going


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