"The Dam" - Stanford CommonApp Essay #1

Hey, I'm not the best essayist in the world, but it would be great if somebody would care to read over my essay (:

Stanford students possess an intellectual vitality. Reflect on an idea or experience that has been important to your intellectual development. (2000 characters)

A few years ago, my father was a student at the University of Michigan campus in Flint, MI. The campus was not big, but he loved to get out and walk it every chance the he got. To get from one side of the campus to the other, he had to cross a partially-working dam that nobody ever gave too much thought to. One day he noticed what he thought was tufts of seaweed that had washed up along the bottom edge of the dam. But when my father went down to investigate, he discovered that what he thought was seaweed was actually years of built-up leaves, sticks, and garbage that extended the entire length of the dam.

Upon seeing this, my father was appalled and, with the help of my Boy Scout troop, set up a cleaning effort to get rid of all of the waste engulfing the dam. When I arrived at the dam, the scene was just as bad as my father had described: hypodermic needles littering the bank of the river, cups and wrappers strewn about in the water, and the stench of death throughout. We spent the rest of the day wading through what I could only assume to be biochemical waste picking up, raking, and disposing of the toxic materials we found. More than once, I saw clusters of dead fish that had been preserved within the garbage buildup float off down the river.

After a full day's work, we were finally able to get rid of all of the garbage that had built-up around the dam. The whole experience disgusted me greatly. Seeing what human carelessness could do to an environment and the creatures in it showed me that we have to do something to preserve the environment that we share with other creatures. After the clean-up, I began to make my family recycle everything instead of just throwing it away and encouraged other families to do the same. I want to become an engineer so that I can use my knowledge to stop the degradation of our environments through more efficient forms of recycling as well as cleaner forms of energy.

One day he noticed what he thought *were* tufts of seaweed... Not really a big deal at all, haha, just trying to go through it with a fine-toothed comb...

You might say "organized" a cleaning effort instead of "set up." Or not, it just sounds slightly better to me.
River bank instead of "bank of the river"
Comma after biochemical waste...

I am being extremely nit-picky. None of these are all that important, overall I thought it was a really great essay! Well-written and interesting ^_^ Good luck!

A few years ago, my father was a student at the University of Michigan campus in Flint, MI. The campus was not big, but he loved to get out and walk it every chance the he got. To get from one side of the campus to the other, he had to cross a partially-working dam that nobody ever gave toomuch thought to. One day he noticed what he thought waswere tufts of seaweed that had washed up along the bottom edge of the dam. Butwhen my father went down to investigate, he discovered that what he thought was seaweedit was actually years worth of built-up leaves, sticks, and garbage that extended the entire length of the dam.

Upon seeing this, my father was appalled and, with the help of my Boy Scout troop, set up a cleaning effort to get rid of all of the waste engulfing the dam. When I arrived at the dam, the scene was just as bad as my father had described: hypodermic needles littering the bank of the river, cups and wrappers strewn about in the water, and the stench of death throughout. We spent the rest of the day wading through what I could only assume to be biochemical waste picking up, raking, and disposing of the toxic materials we found. More than once, I saw clusters of dead fish that had been preserved within the garbage buildup float off down the river.

After a full day's work, we were finally able to get rid of all of the garbage that had built-up around the dam. The whole experience disgusted me greatly. Seeing what human carelessness could do to an environment and the creatures in it showed me that we have to do something to preserve the environment that we share with other creatures. After the clean-up, I began to make my family recycle everything instead of just throwing it away and encouraged other families to do the same. I want to become an engineer so that I can use my knowledge to stop the degradation of our environments through more efficient forms of recycling as well as cleaner forms of energy.

Solid essay. I would say to maybe shorten up the intro about your dad, and elaborate more about why you want to be an engineer and how that would make a difference in that situation.

I know you already looked at one of my essays, but would you mind glancing at my main common app one? Thanks.

I thought it was a really good essay except for a few ambiguities: "The whole experience *really disgusted me.". I also feel like you could have a better transition from the whle project to the engineer part, probably where you say "...and the creatures in it..." That's just my thoughts on it. I'm a highschooler just like you so don't lean on my word. Otherwise, it was really good :)

Thanks for the comments, guys! (: This one is a revised version:

A few years ago, my father was a student at the University of Michigan campus in Flint, MI. The campus was not big, but he loved to get out and walk it. To get from one side of the campus to the other, he had to cross a partially-working dam that nobody ever gave too much thought to. One day he noticed what he thought were tufts of seaweed that had washed up along the bottom edge of the dam. It was actually years of built-up leaves, sticks, and garbage that extended the entire length of the dam.

Upon seeing this, my father was appalled and, with the help of my Boy Scout troop, organized a cleaning effort to get rid of all of the waste engulfing the dam. When I arrived at the dam, the scene was just as bad as my father had described: hypodermic needles littering the riverbank, cups and wrappers strewn about in the water, and the stench of death throughout. We spent the rest of the day wading through what I could only assume to be biochemical waste, picking up, raking, and disposing of the toxic materials we found. More than once, I saw clusters of dead fish that had been preserved within the garbage buildup float off down the river.

After a full day's work, we were finally able to get rid of all of the garbage that had built-up around the dam. The whole experience disgusted me greatly. After the clean-up, I began to make my family recycle everything instead of just throwing it away and encouraged other families to do the same. Seeing what human carelessness could do to an environment and the creatures in it showed me that we have to do something to preserve the environment that we all share. This is something I believe technology can help us do. I want to become an engineer so that I can use my knowledge to stop the degradation of our environments through more efficient forms of recycling as well as cleaner forms of energy. This way, nobody will have to see anymore ecosystems destroyed by our own apathy.

Much better.