Hello all! after reading some great essay reviews on this website i thought it might help me if i were to post mine for review as well. i am not the best writer out there but i really tried to write from my heart. please critique as harshly as you possibly can! thank you!
University of California Prompt #2- Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution, or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
Dance is my inspiration, my safe-haven, and the source of my confidence. As a baby, I was well known for being a talented wiggle worm with a flair for rhythm. My mother recognized my love for dance and enrolled me in ballet and tap classes for my third birthday. After a year of dance classes, the first recital arrived. It was my first performance, and I was overwhelmed with stage fright and thoughts that kept running through my head. What if I forget the dance? My instructor led me and my fellow dancers out onto the stage. Our dance number was announced, the music was queued, and I started to dance to "The Hokey Pokey". At the end of the number, everyone applauded, the lights dimmed, and we all ran off the stage. There was a feeling of relief and a rush of adrenaline as I had just successfully performed my first number in front of an actual audience. It was at that moment that my eleven year recreational and competitive dance career had kicked off.
Since I've started dancing at the age of three, I've always been on the go with classes sometimes six days a week. At times, dance can get frustrating, especially when struggling with a technique, but I never give up because as a dancer, I learned discipline. One time I got so frustrated when my dance instructor choreographed a fouette into our dance. I didn't even know what a fouette was! After my instructor explained it to me, I started working on it. I knew how to do it, but not without moving at least a foot from where I started the fouette, which was really frustrating. After weeks of practice, I finally got it and was ecstatic. Even though it wasn't perfect, there was no better feeling than being able to run to my mother and share my success with her. To me, dance is about being able to learn new things, have fun with friends, and express myself through dance. It is very important to me in that if I ever had a bad day, it would always end on a good note because of dance. I would go to my class, forget about everything else, and focus solely on my dancing.
By the end of eighth grade, I decided that I should try something new since I was about to start high school. Since my high school didn't have a dance team, I decided that after eleven years of dance, I would try out for my high school cheer squad. Tryouts came around, and it was time to showcase my talent. I wasn't as nervous as I expected to be, but I guess that came from years of performing. I was confident in my tryouts, and I knew that I had done my best. That year, I made junior varsity and now I'm currently on the varsity squad. It's hard to think of what life would've been like if I never danced because I learned so many life lessons that have shaped who I am. At times, life can be difficult, but because of my self-discipline or confidence, I'm able to accomplish the task at hand. I just tell myself to never underestimate myself in any way. I am proud to be a dancer because of what I've learned, what I've accomplished, and what I've become.
Dance is my inspiration, my safe-haven, and the source of my confidence. As a baby, I was well known for being a talented wiggle worm with a flair for rhythm. My mom recognized my love for dance and enrolled me in ballet and tap dance classes for my third birthday. After a year of dance classes, the first dance recital arrived. It was my first performance, and I was overcome with stage fright and thoughts that kept running through my head. What if I forgot the dance? What if I trip and fall? My instructor led me and my fellow dancers out onto the stage. Our dance number was announced, the music was queued, and I started to dance to "The Hokey Pokey". At the end of the number, everyone applauded, and the lights dimmed as we all ran off the stage. There was a feeling of relief and a rush of adrenalin as I had just successfully performed my first number in front of an actual audience. It was at that moment that my eleven year recreational and competitive dance career had kicked off.
Errors I noticed are in bold print.
wording is great. too bad i can't write like this. haha, especially the intro.
about: It was at that moment that my eleven year recreational and competitive dance career had kicked off. [..It was ...that my eleven years of ...career kicked off.]
right after you use career again, repetition? try for another word.
about: I will admit that I did get frustrated at times when I struggled with a technique [comma] but I never gave up because as a dancer, I learned to be disciplined. [at times, I did get frustrated when struggling with a tech...]
about: going on around me, and focus solely on what I was currently doing. [around me/currently sounds funny. I'm not sure if its the tense. about tense, you use past tense almost all the way through. you mention that dancing "was'..is it no longer?
good luck with your app!
EDIT
you mention "dance IS my inspiration," but then you move into past tense..dont know if you wanna mention cheer in the intro.
about mustafa's comments/bolds, some were tense changes
thank you!
any suggestions on how i should change the errors?
is it grammar, spelling, or does it just not sound right?
I didn't get into the gritty details because it's not worth it. Those are elementary spelling and grammar errors.
to meisj0n: thank you for your critiques! i will fix the errors.
dance "was" because i no longer dance competitively since i cheer competitively instead. it still is my passion though! should i change was to is because i still feel that way about dance?
does anyone else have any more critiques? anything would be greatly appreciated! and does anyone know how to get a moderator to edit a thread? or do we just let them come to the thread?
ive never done this before so i dont know...
most likely have to wait on Kevin or Sean's judgment, or anyone else's. whenever they feel like looking over your stuff. haha. couple more days, how are you doing on your first prompt?
bummer cuz i only got til tomorrow night to turn it in. the deadline is mon at 1159pm but since my appplication is online i want to turn it in earlier so i dont risk the server crashing then i cant turn in my application at all.
im kinda stuck on my first prompt. im not sure what angle i should approach the whole thing.
i know im gonna talk about how my family is my world and how each member has contributed to my aspirations (small family).. but it seems like im listing if i were to say, "my mom.. my grandma.. etc"
i just need to get inspired somehow.. the weather's not helping though =P tstorm and rain does NOT equal inspiration..
well im gonna head off to bed now.. hopefully a moderator will edit this tomorrow. GOOD NIGHT EVERYONE! and good luck on your applications =D
here is my final draft with revisions for the University of California Prompt 2
hope you like it =D had to cut it down quite a bit to have more words for the other prompt.
What if I forget the dance? My instructor led me and my fellow dancers out onto the stage. Our dance number was announced, the music was queued, and I started to dance to "The Hokey Pokey".
period inside quote always. forgot*
the second para still has a tense conflict. you talk about struggling, in present tense...then you go back to past tense about the fouette..then back to present. i'm guessing you tried a transition with "...but I never give up because as a dancer, I learned discipline."
At times, life can be difficult <comma needed?>
self-discipline or confidence <?why or>
lol at all the conjunctions.
thanks meisj0n! i will definitely fix the errors and tweak the essay a bit.
i used all the conjunctions to save space. =P i hope the admission readers understand.. if i DO NOT use the conjunctions both of my prompts will be around 1080 together! lol
why or? because not all of my tasks require both.. should i change it to AND so its more understandable?
do you think maybe you can look at my prompt #1 please?
