Here is my essay for my application to FSU.
PROMPT:
For almost one hundred years, the Latin words, "Vires, Artes, Mores" have been the guiding philosophy behind Florida State University. Vires signifies strength of all kinds - moral, physical, and intellectual; Artes alludes to the beauty of intellectual pursuits as exemplified in skill, craft, or art; and Mores refers to character, custom, or tradition. Describe how one or more of the values embodied in these concepts are reflected in your life
MY ESSAY:
My one true nature that carries me is dance. Since the age of eleven dance has been apart of me. When I first signed up for dance in the sixth grade, I did not expect to be doing ballet or modern. As the classes went on, I grew to love this ballet and modern feeling. Ever since middle school, Dance has been such a huge impact in my life. It's my motivation and keeps me on top of everything I do. When I perform on stage, it feels like there is no one in the room. I work hard to succeed in life and if it wasn't for dance I don't know what I would be doing right now. My experience in my art is reflected by the value of Artes.
My confidence has been boosted and my perspective of the world has changed me as a better person. Before I started dancing, I had a very low confidence level. Now I have pride in every step I take and choices I make. I would have never known about major dance companies such as Alvin Ailey and American Ballet Theatre, if I did not dance. When these companies were introduced to me, I was in awe. The way the dancers moved and how powerful they were was fascinating.
Over the past years I have explored various styles of dance. Ballet and modern will always be my basic skills and I share a love for them both. However, besides the two styles, I have studied hip-hop, soca, african, caribbean, marange, bachata, and afro modern. Learning a various amount of dance styles have made me a well-rounded dancer.
If I am ever feeling down, I can depend on dance to pick me up again. It has helped me through times of stress and joy. There are so many emotions that can be expressed with movement. If there was a burden I carried, I can always dance to get rid of it. For instance, over the past summer my mother struggled with arthritis and costochondritis. When I heard the news, I was hurt by the situation. It was a difficult and she would always tell me that she was fine but I knew that on the inside she was in pain. Over the next two weeks, I took some dance classes. As I leapt across the floor, I could feel myself jumping over that hurt inside of me. I was able to release all the stress and tension in my body. It made me realize that if I just have faith, things will just be better.
Dance has given me a new meaning to life and I feel that I am very blessed to have come this far. Attending Florida State University will give me a chance to enhance my dance skills. The school will help me develop my career as a dancer. I will learn the wrongs and rights in dance and the real world.
Dance is movement, action. Sadly, in writing about dance, you have used very few action verbs, relying too heavily on variants of "to be" and "to have" instead. Revise, looking for every opportunity to use an action verb instead of "is," "was, "had," and etc. While you're at it, replace vague phrases such as "just amazing" with more specific words or images.
Oh no! The FSU essay lives!
Sorry. This topic comes up too often on these forums, usually with weaker essays than normal. In this one, for instance, you have the weak verbs Simone mentioned conveying information that wouldn't be very exciting even if you were using action verbs (which you absolutely should be doing, btw). Too much telling, nowhere near enough showing. Try narrating a time when you danced (possibly after learning the bad news about your mother), to let us see what dance really means to you.
