Unanswered [16] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Undergraduate   % width Posts: 4

"dance; the applause after performances" - commonapp activities essay 150 words


victoriayu 2 / 3  
Oct 22, 2010   #1
here's my commonapp 150 words essay. how's the grammar? (i really did bad in grammar..)

plz give me some suggestions about the content.

"Oh no, that's hurt. I can't bear it!" Hearing that, I gritted my teeth in order not to cry as my dance classmate did when we were training basic skills. I could hardly endure the hurt from my leg on the wall forming an angle of 180 degrees with the other leg. I knew that cry would not help but make you become more tired. Perseverance, the most important quality I learned from my dance class, could help me finally achieve goals. Learning china classic dance for more than ten years, I became more confident and willing to express my sentiment which helped me in communicating with others. I believed that every excellent dancer should be a brave and confident guy in the life. Although sometimes I got frustrations in dancing, I always optimistic to face the problems. Because when I received the applause after performances, I thought all the efforts were not in vain.
yloot 5 / 23  
Oct 22, 2010   #2
The idea is good, it uses the elements of being traditional,confident
and sentences are good
but there is gaps in ideas. the sentences do not follow each other they just jump from one to another
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Oct 27, 2010   #3
Should it be like this? ----> "Oh no, that hurts. I can't bear it!"

This sentence is a little too complex for my brain----> Hearing that, I gritted my teeth in order not to cry as my dance classmate did when we were training basic skills.

I knew that crying would not

Capitalize China

Maybe it should be like this:
classic Chinese dance for more than...---- does that seem right?

Although sometimes I got frustrations in dancing, I always stayed optimistic when facin g problems.

Nice ending!
But it is not a complete sentence, so do this:
Because When I received the applause after performances, I thought all the efforts were not in vain.

Usually, it is not good to start a sentence with "because." Only use because to start a sentence this way:
Because I received applause, I felt happy.
Because it was raining, we went for a walk.
OP victoriayu 2 / 3  
Oct 27, 2010   #4
thank you so much, it really helps.
"Hearing that, I gritted my teeth in order not to cry as my dance classmate did when we were training basic skills. " because training basic skills is always tough and hurt...which part is complex?gritted teeth? or the logic?


Home / Undergraduate / "dance; the applause after performances" - commonapp activities essay 150 words