Dartmouth Extracurricular Essay; keeping the conversation going

Hello guys,

I tried to word it differently to make it appealing, but nothing feels quite right except for going straight into the topic. Do you guys think it's okay or tedious/weak?

--------
I initiated a writing program for the international students because from how much speechlessness hurt me, I saw keeping the conversation going as critical. In my high school where the 96 international students, 85 of which are Chinese, being the only boarders, the physical separation has lead to cultural segregation. Some of us who were less sufficient in English were spiritually grounded in the Chinese community. Our writing program helps around 30 international students pair up with American students. We hope to horn writing skills but also to offer a platform to start conversations and promote understanding. For the same reason, I also proposed to and worked with the administrations in my dorm hoping to create a new rooming system, which can hopefully be achieved next year.

-------
This is also closely knitted to my main essay, so please read and critique!!

Thank you so very much.

I like the topic. However, the last part of the first sentence makes no sense whatsoever,

" from how much speechlessness hurt me, I saw keeping the conversation going as critical."

clarify what you mean here--because right now your point is not getting across.
This sentence is much clearer--I understand what you mean, but you still have to alter the structure of it.

" In my high school where the 96 international students, 85 of which are Chinese, being the only boarders, the physical separation has lead to cultural segregation."

Further clarify the connection here, because right now it sounds solely like "ergo hoc propter hoc"-logic,

"Some of us who were less sufficient in English were spiritually grounded in the Chinese community."

Other than that, great job! As stated, the topic you've chosen is great--you just need to work on sentence structure. Maybe you can have the native English speaker you're paired up with take a look at this text. Message him/her on Facebook or something, since the ED applications are due in three days. Good luck!

Love, E.

As much as i'd like to help, i don't think i can. Its pretty good, try to go straight to the point instead of writing more words, sort of like summarize it.

Like the " In my high school where the 96 international students, 85 of which are Chinese, being the only boarders, the physical separation has lead to cultural segregation." part

I would probably look into that, and try to make it a little shorter and more brief, because it may seem understandable to you, but not to others, just pointing that out.

Other than that, not much to change, its pretty short and pretty well written, well done.