The day I met her will shine like a beacon in my memory forever

Hi everyone,

This is on a pretty different tone. I'm not really answering the original prompt, I think I may just choose the option writing on a "topic of your choice."

What do you think? Is it more or less common than the first essay? Would I sound like a better person to the Admissions Officers in this essay or the first? I think those were the two main problems.

Also--I think my vocabulary/sentence structure is simpler in this essay. I'm making less of an effort to sound smart, and more of an effort to just say what I want to say. Does it take from the strength of the essay?

The day I met Dina Babbitt will shine like a beacon in my memory forever. She was a frail yet beautiful old woman whose inner strength radiated so strongly through her features that she seemed to cast a spell of hope on everyone in her presence. I sat in the front row of the theater, entranced as she spoke to my History teacher and his students about her experiences in the Holocaust. "Dina, you really are a hero," he said. By defying concentration camp leader Dr. Mengele, she had used art to bring joy into the lives of the young children and save her mother's life, in the process risking her own. Now she sat in front of hundreds of teenage students, recalling not her own story, but the stories of the individuals she had met at Auschwitz. "I don't want them to be forgotten, because they were the ones who represent this event." Tears ran freely down her face as she shared her deepest emotions with us. "I am not a hero," she waved my teacher off. "You would have done the same, anyone would have done the same."

How could someone have such unwavering faith in mankind when they had seen its darkest side? Though she did not tell us about it, I knew she had had to unwillingly assist Dr. Mengele in the gruesome experiments he had conducted. Once she was forced to paint a human heart as it was drawn out of a live body-Mengele was trying to prove that a Jewish heart was inferior to others. Yet Dina Babbitt sat before us and told us she knew that any human would have done the selfless deeds she had done. This woman changed my outlook on life forever, because she gave me the tool that made it possible to live through and make the most of each difficulty I would face in the future-faith in others.

When you are pushed into a new society and new surroundings, you have two choices. You can trust no one, with the philosophy that success is a solo act. Or you can take an enormous risk and trust everyone, thereby making yourself completely vulnerable. The second requires a great amount of courage, courage I did not always have. When I moved from Washington, D.C. to Geneva, Switzerland, I decided that the only way I could get through this major move was by accepting that I would not make friends. My school was filled with people from different cultural backgrounds, holding different values and views on life. I was scared to make the leap and open myself up to them, so that we could learn to accept each other. It made more sense to me to focus on what was familiar to me-schoolwork. In retrospect I am able to see how unhappy I was until the very end, when I gave in to my own internal needs and started placing a stronger emphasis on making friends. Paradoxically, at this point my grades soared, because I was living a balanced life and doing what Dina would have wanted-trusting others. Suddenly, when I was feeling down, I had people to support me. When they were upset, I could support them, and this helped and strengthened me.

Then I learned I would be leaving Switzerland, and moving to California. I was shocked, because I would have to leave behind what I had worked very hard to build. However, slowly excitement crept in, because I knew that endless experiences to take advantage of lay ahead of me, as well as new people to meet and learn from. My school in California was much more academically demanding, and for a while I was so swept up with schoolwork and extra-curriculars that I forgot the lesson I had learned the hard way in Geneva, the lesson Dina would soon teach me. When I finally had the chance to take a breath and remember, I began once more to cross the cultural bridge between myself and my peers. It does not get any easier to make friends; you just get better at taking advantage of the courage in you to make the move. I talked to people about my own insecurities with moving so much, trusted them unquestioningly. In turn I found people coming to me with their own troubles and trusting me. These strong relationships proved once again to be the missing element in my life that allowed me to succeed on all fronts, including my challenging schoolwork.

There was another surprise in store for me. My mother told me her job would be posting her in India-my home country, which I had left at the age of four. I said goodbye to my friends again-this time on an entirely different adventure. India was a developing country, with less obvious beauty and prosper to offer. I had visited it in previous summers, but it was still a stranger to me. I was a foreigner in my own country. However, I did what I knew I had to-I reached out to others. Slowly I was able to reconcile with this country, I began to see it as an intrinsic part of me. I was not so different from these people, even though my background was. *I'm going to add more stuff here after I've actually lived here for a while and started school and stuff :)*

If I was asked what the greatest problem society faces today is, I would answer straight away that it is humans not trusting and respecting each other. Life is miserable when we cannot trust others and see them as our equals, because unknowingly we are mistrusting and disrespecting ourselves. Humans are all the same; Dina believed everyone in the audience would have done what she had done at Auschwitz. From her I learned that if I was able to see the good in others, I was actually seeing the good in myself. This is the empowering philosophy that a wonderful and strong woman taught me when she saw that I was equally wonderful and strong.

You're right; this is much stronger than your first try. Now, let's make it even stronger. Challenge yourself to be as precise as possible. For example, you close with a repetition of the word "wonderful," which is a relatively empty modifier.

Thank you Simone! I'll work on it :)

Um. Why couldn't you trust only those who seemed trustworthy? Wouldn't that be more sensible that cutting yourself off from everyone else or leaving yourself open to any fraud or crook you came across?


Could you replace some of your general description of your experiences with specific anecdotes? A lot of this is difficult to credit. Did you really trust them unquestioningly, or did you merely assume goodwill until or unless someone gave you reason to believe otherwise? In any event, the specific is always to be preferred to the general in this sort of essay.

I think your second essay was very well written. I think all you can do now is fine tune your descriptions and make them as clear as possible. I really like your first paragraph a lot- nice job overall as well!

Thank you!

So basically the main thing with this essay is not being specific enough.

Argh, I'm torn. I showed both essays to my parents and they both liked the first one more. They said although it needs tweaking, it's more original and sincere.

As my main concern would be that my essay reflects who I am very well through my writing, which one does a better job of that? Which one emits a stronger "personality," is what I mean.

I just want to challenge you, whichever you choose, to eschew trite metaphors like "beacon of light" and vague modifiers like "wonderful." You're a better writer than that.

Either essay is fine. I see what your parents mean: The first essay is more clearly in your own voice. Why not stick with that one? I've liked it all along, myself.

Thanks for your consistently helpful advice, Simone. And faith. :)

Yeah, I seem to recall that my initial comment on your first essay was that I really liked it, but that you had one piece that needed a bit of revision. I'm not sure why you responded by writing a completely different essay, so if you want to go with the first one, you could just edit that.

i didnt read the 2nd essay, because i truly liked the 1st essay already.
i did however understand the points liebe made and think you should take them into consideration.

HOWEVER, there was a part where liebe didnt comment, and THAT is what i feel what the strongest part of your essay. i FELT your growth around that part. (give or take some parts she commented on before and after as well, if you read ull see)

i feel you should take ur first essy and roll with that.

i recently did the same thing. i hated an essay i wrote, and then i showed it to some people. i rewrote an entirely new essay as a response b.c. i started to HATE the first one. then i realized, the 2nd one sucked. (not that this is your case, i didnt even read ur 2nd one) butt i just tweaked my 1st one, and now the ple i show it to feel that its GREAT. they feel that its completely me, its my voice and it comes from the heart. great topic and everything.

the point is, just take liebes comments, role with them, take the middle part that shows ur growth and build on that. dont use the 2nd one though. usu. the 1st "reaction" is always the most sincere ;)

besides, maybe the 2nd will come in handy for somehting else. short answers for instance :D

good luck!

Thanks tal105. I feel exactly the same way as you, especially that the first rection is always the most sincere. :)
I do not plan on using the second essay at all actually, I've written tons of different drafts and the first one is one of the few I plan to use. :) With editations, of course. Thank you for your helpful and sincere advice!

Sean--never really answered your question. Well it was more of a little rumination but I'll answer it anyway lol. After Liebe tore my essay apart, lol, I got pretty discouraged, and started to see everything about it in a pretty negative light. Then I saw some other essays on this forum talking about India and I felt woww my topic's so overused. But the thing is, it's the only thing that comes from my heart that I've been able to put onto paper thus far. And you guys have given me some GREAT feedback. So right now I'm pretty sick of the essay but I plan to tackle it again in a few weeks (lots of new school stuff going on right now) and make all the required tweaking.

^Haha. Well, I only tore it down because your essay gave me the opportunity to :P
The central idea can be used, however certain parts of your first essay need to be changed completely.


^The fact that it comes from the heart, is probably THE most important thing.
Which essay are you going to be tackling then, the first one? How come you have school now though, I thought this is the summer holidays?

Nope. I'm in India now, they start school at the beginning of july, and my school in particular starts at the beginning of august.

And thank you--


--for that.

Oh and yeah, I'm tackling the first.

Let this be a lesson to everybody: Even though typing into a terminal can make it easier to phrase critiques strongly, it's important to remember that every writer is a real person who has real feelings about the critiques s/he receives. It's easy to inadvertently be more discouraging than one intends.

^That is quite true actually. After I read kritipg's post, I thought that perhaps I was perhaps a bit too discouraging and it made me feel like I was really tough. I thought I could mask all of this, with the 'Haha', a 'joke' and the ':P', so that it comes off as light hearted.

Thanks for your consideration, guys.

True, it would be more satisfying if one could see the trembling lip and moist eye of the aspiring writers whose self-confidence one has just crushed, but alas technology does have its limitations, and so one must remember to use one's imagination . . . :-)

Lol. Johnny Hates Jazz's Shattered Dreams comes to mind for some reason :P

I know you're joking Sean, but I was serious. In teaching composition, I've often been surprised by how powerfully students respond to peer feedback, be it positive or negative. So, I would like our forum members and contributors to realize that their words really do have power here and be mindful of that when phrasing their replies.

Simone, I totally agreed with you.
Everytime I saw the feedback on my essay, I felt really really nervous...
Others' words do have great power...and will even affect my mood of that day...
Although I know they are making corrections and giving suggestions to me, I would still felt really discouraged after hearing discouraged words.

Kritipg,
I had the same experience as you did. Did you know why I had written so many eassys for common app? It was because when I saw others said my confidence one was fake or not really good, I felt really really discouraged and had kept writing but without any inspirations. Several days later, I told myself to be calm down and just be myself. Still, I put the confidence essay in the rubbish bin and came up with 'the story of two eagels'. My mom told me it was really common for people to have different views so what we could do is just accept and assimilate what we thought is right.

I really apprecaite your help in my thread! Just believe yourself on the way of the application process. It will be a tough way to go, but after you see your dream come true in the future, you will feel really worth paying so much efforts.

Kritipg, You are great! Columbia is waiting for you. ^^

Simone, your point is well-taken. People should always try to be considerate when talking to others about something that is clearly important to them. That said, one of the keys to becoming a successful writer is to develop a hide like a rhinoceros, something else students should be aware of.

^That is true. Words can be powerful weapons at times. More powerful then guns at times *flexes arm (As school is over, I have not said that to anyone for quite some time, and I thought it is time that I did)


^Well that is just part of the application process. Whoever said it is an easy job lied. Creating the perfect essay is like painting the perfect picture in some ways. (This has given me scope for a lame analogy) You have to use the right strokes and a lot of thought to create the piece of art. It does not come in the first go, nor the first try. It takes time.


^Just remember at Columbia, the academic programs are quite rigorous and not for the faint hearted. Criticisms on your application essay may be harsh, but at Columbia, or any other academic University, criticisms and expectations will be much higher. So in many ways, this site also prepares, and teaches, you how to maturely deal with criticism. In my opinion, the best is to accept it rather than feel disappointed about it.


^Absolutely. Critique can be very demoralizing at times, and especially on an essay with which these applicants have spent so much time and thought on. Then again, these criticisms are supposed to fuel an energy to wanting to improve, rather than degrade the essay. Students should be accepting of criticisms on their essays, because these comments can improve a student's perception of how to write an admissions essay. All of you students are applying to Universities with strong academic programs, which are naturally suited for those willing to apply themselves on an intellectual level. Therefore, when applying to these type of Universities, it is some of a prerequisite to show a sense of intellectuality in the essay, which therefore raises the expectations of the standards of the essay. Criticisms are made so that the right courses of action can be made to meeting these standards.

Yes. I understand that students may not like criticisms because their pieces of art are not seen that favorably by others. Just as when a musical artist's album is reviewed poorly by critics. The next step, after recieving the criticism, is to find something more appealing.

I don't think that high schools do a good job of teaching students how to write an essay--especially one about themselves. Students are suddenly faced with the task of putting together a piece of writing that not only conveys their personality, but shows them in a good light--all in 250 words or less. The stakes are high when one misused word could mean the difference between acceptance and being waitlisted. It is daunting!

There is a lot to be said for collaborative effort. Look to Vietfun's essays as an example . . . they were by no means bad when he first posted, but after input from other forum members, they were perfect for submission.

It is *tough* to critique. Just because someone is posting an essay here for comment, doesn't necessarily mean that they *really* want to be critiqued. I have found that there is a distinction between commenting on grammar and commenting on content. It is easier in many ways to comment on the grammar because it is (generally) black and white. Analyzing the content and discussing how an essay makes you *feel* is much more complicated, but that kind of commentary is valuable as well.

I have noticed that the people on this forum tend to be tougher on the essays that ARE well written. I know that I take a little care on pieces that look like the author has taken time on while I don't give much thought at all to posts that seem to want someone from here to do all the work for them. In many ways, an in-depth critique is a compliment. See, Kritpg, the time that people have put into analyzing your essay shows that they take you, and your odds of being admitted into Columbia, seriously.

I have heard that you should sandwich a criticism between two compliments, but that is a little unrealistic to put into practice here. "Gee, I really like the way that you spelled your name correctly. You didn't address the prompt at all. What a great story!" I would like to strive to say at least something positive in my comments though, something that people can hold onto and think that life, as they know it, is not over.

I also believe that people really do have difficulty with writing. Formulating a sentence is much different than a chemistry formula. Writers can get so emotionally attached to their work that they have a hard time seeing it through anyone else's eyes. Writers also have the "director's commentary" going in the back of their mind that isn't available to the reader--they know the back story and what they meant to say--and don't always realize that the rest of us don't know what is going on. I find it VERY helpful when people point out the idiosyncrasies in my writing.

Thanks for the reminder, Simone. I will take that to heart when I comment. Thanks for the humor, Sean. I don't have nearly enough sarcasm in my life.

Tiantian, you are such a nice person. Thank you for your kind words. And I know what it is like to feel discouraged. I am glad you let go of that and then wrote another great essay that reflected who you were (eagles). Even when you wrote your first essay, everyone was very impressed. You are a great writer and a great person too, and I really have faith in the fact that you will continue to work hard and get into a very good school. And thank you for your faith in me, it was very moving.


Liebe, as hard as it may be to believe, I am not fainthearted. heh. I am a very vocal person who stands up for my own and others' rights. I simply pointed out that negative remarks can be discouraging because no one else on the forum had mentioned it as far as I have seen.

And I am aware of the rigor of Columbia. I would not apply if I did not think I had a fair shot of getting in.


Liebe, you are right. Criticism should motivate a person to do better. And it does. However, when it is phrased discouragingly or superciliously then it's a different story. There is a difference between constructive criticism and discouraging criticism.

Let me give you an example--sorry that I am using you, you are obviously not the only one.


Right. Here, you are laughing at what I have just written. Not very encouraging. Nor is it constructive.

conversely...


This is very constructive criticism. In fact, your comments scattered throughout my essay to be more specific really allowed me to write better essays in the future. There is not a single *nice* word here; no one wants false or undeserved praise--but this is good, honest & helpful feedback that I will apply in my future writing.


Notoman, I agree with everything you are saying. An in-depth critique is certainly a compliment. Just wanted to mention that, on the other hand, an in-depth shredding-apart is not. (I know that did not make grammatical sense but you know what I mean. lol) It could be helpful to some people, and then they ask for it.

Although this discussion has been fueled in my thread, I think (hope) it is not about me personally. If I post another essay here, I really would like everyone to be honest, and tell me when/if my writing sucks. Or my topic sucks. Or both. I am not new to the forum anymore, and knowing all of you by now a little makes it very easy to take your criticism well, and apply it. I respect all of you a lot.

Just when someone new comes here and posts their first piece of writing, I would hate to see discouraging remarks when they have just begun..the worst thing is that that would misrepresent how helpful this place is; everyone here has good intentions, and is intelligent and helpful. Sadly, when the writer is new here, they don't know that yet.

^I do not see why it may be hard to believe.
When you said that you saw 'everything about the essay in a negative light' after feeling 'discouraged', I was talking about how you felt discouraged and it's subsequent result on you. Yes, you came up with a new essay and absorbed all the criticism. I was just saying that if criticism here was discouraging, criticism at Columbia is more likely to be a lot more discouraging. Thought Id just tell you that. People know the academic rigor of Columbia, but I think most people underestimate it as well. However, I am not saying that you are one of these, because I am sure that you have done research on the type of life an undergraduate student lives at Columbia University.


^All criticism is just criticism. No matter what. It depends on one's emotional nature to understand the criticism as either discouraging or constructive. When you are using me as an example, you are criticizing my ability to criticize. I can either see it as constructive criticism or discouraging criticism, or even invalid criticism.


^What one regards as encouraging is all of a matter of perception. If you decided to view that as discouraging, then ok, should I apologize? It is constructive actually. Let me just quote what you said.


^It is constructive criticism, because I commented on a point which otherwise, when read, can suggest masturbation. I did not see how this was relevant to your essay. Even though it coud have been an interesting topic to the Admissions Committee, you are discussing a seperate topic in your essay and I assumed that this self-sexual reference was a mistake on your part. I thought that I should phrase my comment, subtly to hint at what the sentence implied, as well as in a joking manner to lighten the atmosphere so that when you read that point, you can go like :'Omg lol I sooooooo didnt meant that. But clearly, you didnt and I understand that humor works differently with different people.


^Well, if you do not want indepth shredding, perhaps you should be more specific in what type of feedback you would like. I think that I tackled some sentences in your essay, which otherwise could have been very misleading about you( particularly when you came off as very pretentious and ignorant in some parts). This was done through in-depth analysis. If however, you would not like this, I will respect that completely. By shredding, I was trying to help you remove all the nitty and gritty parts of the essay, but if it is too discouraging for you or whatever, then I will not.


^Id have to say that a topic rarely sucks. However, the way in which you discuss the topic is something else. If it the same old topic, with the same old message, and same old regular teenager writing style, then it sucks.

I do not know about the past, but I can see that some of the newer forum members actually enjoy the feedback that people on this site give. I doubt there is a case of any thing that 'misrepresents how helpful this place is'.

When is your next essay getting posted. Is it the first one revised?

*Edit: What a long thread.

I am so using that the next time I run across an essay in which the author has clearly gone off-topic.

This may sound silly, but I find that using the sandwich method (which I don't always remember to do) improves the acuity of my own thinking. In trying hard to find something positive to say, I have to think a lot more closely about the work I am critiquing.

OOOPs-- Just realized I forgot to include a compliment on another essay! Let me go fix that!

LOL! I *so* missed that the first time through, but you are right Liebe! I guess you were a little too subtle. If kritipg saw the double entendre here, I don't think she would have been offended by the "LOOOOL."

I didn't go through this essay line by line because Liebe had already tackled it. Simone and Sean tend to either comment on the general tone, the way the essay answers the prompt, or a particular thing for the author to focus on (run-on sentences, passive voice). They will sometimes provide a few grammar fixes, but they rarely go through an essay line by line because it is a time-consuming process. When I go in depth with an essay, it can take upwards of an hour.


Wouldn't it be nice if users stated the kind of feedback that they'd like? It would also be nice if everyone included a prompt and purpose.


Yes it is! And I am adding to it. See how I am?

XD
She still has not commented, but I am interested in reading what she has to say whenever she decides to post. This is the second time she has jumped ship, with the first time being when I merely said 'hmmm' (I think that little incident will bring up memories)


Tell me about it. I think they should be informed of this whenever they sign up.


Now I have added to it :)

See how I have?

I do not know when I will post my next essay. I'm going to wait a while though. I definitely want to write about India, but I want to live here for longer, I mean my whole view of this country is changing drastically after going to school here. I want this to sink in further before I begin to write. And this way I won't sound pretentious or ABCD-esque. So I guess in a way it will be an edited version of the first essay. It will probably be very different, though.

Sorry for "jumping ship," I was busy with homework and stuff.

Tikhai, sounds like a smart plan :)
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