That day was shocking to many people, everything happened so slowly

Hi , i need some help for my class of College Composition , i have some issues writing in English because its not my native language and i would like some help to make a good job. This is a Descriptive essay my best friend , who died in the middle of a school year by a heart attack and i tried to describe our relationship. I'm Still working on it.

That day was shocking to many people, everything happened slowly, it looked like a history lesson where students analyze the classroom as if it were a mathematical problem, and the students looked at least ten times per minute the clock to find the needle in the same place. The tension was enormous, the day felt so heavy that I would not be exaggerating if I said that gravity had increased. The fact that she wasn't there anymore, and probably wasn't going to see her again broke my heart into pieces. And all she left behind were memories.

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Hi Cmcontin! I'm EF_Season and I'm here to help you with your Descriptive essay today. First, I'd love to applaud your deep descriptive language. You have some lovely word choices that engage the reader's senses and grab attention. Good for you!

I'd like to offer a lot of what I have to say inside your own text so I've copied and pasted it below. But first, here's a quick syntax lesson. A comma splice is the use of a comma to join two independent clauses (it stands alone with a subject and a verb and could be it's own sentence). For example: It is nearly seven o'clock, we cannot reach the theater before the movie begins. Here is an example from your own writing:

The tension was enormous, the day felt so heavy that I would not be exaggerating if I said that gravity had increased.

Do you see how the clause before the comma and the clause after the comma are both independent? In other words, a comma simply isn't strong enough punctuation to contain them and you need to use a period or combine the sentences in a different way. You have MANY (every other sentence, nearly) comma splices in your text and if I know early English Composition teachers, they look out for these so fixing them now will help you a lot, I should think!

That day was shocking to many people, everything happened slowly, it looked like a history lesson where students analyze the classroom as if it were a mathematical problem, and the students looked at least ten times per minute the clock to find the needle in the same place. [How is it a history lesson in that the students are doing a math problem? I'm not quite sure what you mean here.] The tension was enormous, the day felt so heavy that I would not be exaggerating if I said that gravity had increased. [I like this image.] The fact that she wasn't there anymore, and probably wasn't going to see her again broke my heart into pieces. AndaA ll she left behind were memories.

I've always been fascinated by her dedication. Dedication to what? You actually say that she's dedicated in the first sentence but go on to state that she misses a lot of classes. What isn't clear is why she misses those classes? It sounds (on a first read) that she misses classes because she's a "bad girl," and not because she's ill. You might wish to clarify?] It amazes me how she missed so many classes and still had the best grades in school , always so focused , always with a smile that hid the truth , that smile that looked so weak ,[this section is a list. In the list you should use a parallel structure (meaning that each piece of the list is written structurally/worded in a similar fashion] that could disappear at any second , but at the same time was so warm like the sun on a summer day . She seemed to know everything, she was able to answer any question on any class without a doubt.

She had a special beauty, she was pale, thin, and as white as snow, [New sentence?] [i]sometimes I thought I could see through her, with [her] big eyes, shining like jewels when she spoke,[Here you don't need the comma because you're describing how she spoke. It's a direct continuation of the previous thought.] with an authority that slowed the whole room when she opened hisher mouth, and with a peaceful aura around her, she delighted every person she spoke to.This is ALL one sentence and is too long. Look for places where you feel it would be best to divide up your ideas, okay, Cmcontin?]

The first time I spoke with her gave meI had an adrenaline rush , she looked like a Greek goddess, full of wisdom and beauty at the same time, a lump in the throat pulsed like a dislodged heart, and even today I think she realized what was going through my mind.

This is a long sentence (really, its ONE long series of comma splices. Look for other ways to join these phrases together so that they clearly tell your story but so that they also are easy to read.]

With the passage of time, our friendship grew slowly, and I reallywas surprised to know that she did not have many friends, was a very shy person, which I found very strange for the dazzling manner in which it was expressed.It's a good idea to not use the words "very" and "really" in academic writing. These words don't convey much to your audience.]

But after those months when we got together every day, something happened that I could not predict ,. She started
missing classes again. Immediately the first thing I did was call her home to see what was happening , her mother so often told me not to worry, that she felt a little weak.

But this weakness unlike previous times slower than expected , after a week I decided on a visit , the mere pretext that her mother was not enough What do you mean that her mother was not enough? Not clear.] to satisfy my interest to know the status of my important friend .

Thank you for sharing your story about your friend. I'm sorry you had to go through that. Again, I want to reiterate that I really enjoyed many of your word choices and your story is touching and interesting to read. My suggestions, I hope, you find helpful as you revise! Good luck!