"Speech and Debate activity" - UF Admissions Essay-Meaningful Event

In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service. Remember to keep within the 500-word maximum length.

I wiped my clammy hands on my suit and wondered how it was possible to perspire so profusely. My heart raced and I hoped that my face was not flushed ad absurdum. My mind was spinning and I futilely tried to take deep, even breaths. Finally-though it seemed painfully soon-I heard my name issue from the judge's lips. Somehow I was able to stand, and, walk. I felt as if I was propelled towards my destination by some unknown ...

This is 497 words, just under the limit. I think I may have focused on the "narrative" aspect of the essay too much; I started running out of room for the "reflection" and finally had to squeeze the "UF contribution" part into my last sentence. Any opinions on that aspect of the essay? Also, I started writing the essay with a completely different direction in mind (how S & D dispelled my shyness, etc.) and spontaneously took up this theme so I am not sure if it is strong. Does this theme work or would it be better to follow my original plan? Also, please comment on the overall merit of the essay as well as any specific flaws. Many thanks in advance!!

Let's talk about this essay first.


Here the word typical confused me slightly. If this was your first time, how can it be typical? Are you talking about something else?


This is a long and convoluted sentence. I had to read it very carefully to stay on track.

I think the "reflection" part is pretty short. Maybe, you can cut something from the second paragraph -- things like facial expressions & stuff. Don't overdo it though. I enjoyed that section.

I like this theme, but you can give the other one a try. That one may offer you more room to address the other things the prompt asks.

I got carried away with alliteration there XD Ha, that's exactly what I was thinking, for some reason my vocabulary came off sounding really odd here, I actually wrote down a note to myself: "Too many 'big' words". Thanks for pointing that out, now I know it wasn't just my impression.


Okay I'll just stick to English ^ ^


So it makes sense without the extra explanations? I was paranoid that if I didn't explain what all of the Speech and Debate stuff was the "experience" would be confusing.


Does the "It was my first..." sentence do that?


The "write a narrative" part of the prompt made me think I was supposed to write a story =/ So, I see what you mean.


Isn't "someone" singular & "their" plural? I'm not a grammarian or whatever those people are called, but...


I knew it! >< Running out of room in that 500 word limit & started panicking

Ok, so after hitting my head against the wall for some time, I finally came up with a non-S&D example*. Is it viable or shall I return to Monsieur Wall?

It might help to mention that I will be majoring in Psychology and plan to be a psychiatrist...Darn word limit/my useless wordiness >:

*I was uncertain about how to introduce the example bc I didn't want to over-explain but I wanted the reader to understand what I was talking about. How do you think I handled that? Should I talk about my motivations for creating that club/what its purpose is or is that understood?

"I discovered, somewhat to my inconvenience,"
I was going for an understatement kind of thing there. Does it work or would another approach be better?

Okay, so this is 530 words, so stuff needs to be cut out. From the first paragraph, I imagine. Again, I ran out of room & didn't have much room for the "UF" part. Did I at least get to the "reflection" part this time?

"...most people fail..." Is that too harsh? I tend to give way to euphemisms so I actually tried to be blunt for once

"Speech and Debate teaches you how to generate a persuasive and coherent argument; thus, I was ready to use these abilities to present my plans for the club and have it officially integrated into my school." I felt like that sentence was too long and a bordeline run-on so I tried to patch it up with an emergency semicolon, any thoughts? I adopted a parrallel grammar structure thing in the third paragraph to bring in some order...done well or better not done at all?

Also, the third paragraph started to get pretty enormous (It is about 2/5 of the entire essay) so I decided to end it where I did. Is that sufficient or does the example require more detail?

"For instance, the IHC was able to donate two boxes of clothing to Haiti a month before the region was devastated by an earthquake in January 2010." I feel like that is unecessary & I don't really want it to be there but I thought giving a tangible example would make the point clearer...I don't know...


No need to worry, I cannot thank you enough for that!

Ershad, you've been a really big help, as well


I wrestled with that line for about 10 mins and came up with that to no avail. I just got rid of that entire aspect in this draft.

"Well, usually "usually" means usually...usually,"--- ha ha, nice!
I would do it this way:
"Well, usually usually means usually,"...


I agree. It is always best to put your theme in the context of what field you want to enter, as if you are so passionate about it that you cannot stop talking about it.

The others gave you plenty to think about, but you must know this is already very good.

I hope to use my experience with Speech and Debate experience and the resources available at UF to achieve even more by participating in organizations such as the Psychology Club and the Multicultural Psychology Association.-- I just made a subtle change. This essay does not need too much revision. Don't ruin a good thing!!

I agree with what Kevin says. Tinker with your essay too much, and your originality is lost. Your first draft was funnier, hence, it was more memorable. I'm not saying this one has any problem. This is in fact, a better one for the purpose it is required. What I'm saying is, the reader should be able to connect with the author. An essay which has too many inputs may leave the reader searching for the inspiration behind the piece.

Thank you for your comments, everyone.

I feel so conflicted now...

And I still have to cut 30 words...

And include more future things...

Word limits are the brutal chains strapping us to walls of the cave ><

I'll cross out some parts that could be cut without hurting the esay too much:

I had been a shy, life-long introvert, so it was, at the least, a shock. As the performance began, I discovered, somewhat to my inconvenience, that my partner had neglected to memorize all of her lines. In "DUO Interpretation," as in any team, responsibility flows in a balance between the two partners.

In eleventh grade, I created the International Humanitarian Club. My dream of helping people all over the world, not just Florida, is no small undertaking so I need the help of a team-the generous members of the IHC. My first task: actually going through the technicalities of founding a club.

Speech and Debate nearly obliterated my shyness--- this is an awesome sentence. It makes the previous sentence about being introverted unnecessary

For this part, I challenge you to say all of it in half the number of words:
In addition to this ... participating in organizations such as the Psychology Club and the Multicultural Psychology Association. --- all this material informs the readers of things that you accomplished. It can take the form of a list if necessary. Make room to discuss the future. :-)

Awesome advice, thank you. However, I had a bit of a question, if anyone shall be so kind as to look into this old and wrinkley thread. I'm going to apply to Questbridge and as one of the required essay prompts is very similar to this one I was hoping to cut down on my writing by rewording this one a bit. Do you think I can do it or should write a new essay?

Questbridge prompt:

Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you. (500 word limit)

This prompt (so you do not have to scroll up to compare):
In the space provided, please write a concise narrative in which you describe a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life and how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. You may want to reflect on your ideas about student responsibility, academic integrity, campus citizenship or a call to service. Remember to keep within the 500-word maximum length.

If you have time then write a new one. I've never written undergrad application essays, but from my experience of writing to grad school, I can say that every school is different in its own way. Consequently, they look for students who are fit for their environment. Hence, each essay must be tailored to fit the school.

If you have time, that is :)

Haha thank you, Ershad. That was such a nice way of saying "Get off your lazy bum" XD

Since you mentioned


Questbridge isn't a school it's a scholarship-school kind of thing...basically kids from low-income backgrounds fill out an application and the finalists that Questbridge chooses have their apps sent off to up to 8 schools that they chose. So since I can't exactly "tailor it to fit the school," what should I tailor it to if at all? (There are two requried essays, a multiple short answer section, and a biographical essay that focuses on the low-income thing so I'm getting the impression I shouldn't be mentioning that in every bit of writing ha)

In terms of time, I have to get all of this Questbridge stuff turned in by Sept. 30 and I am applying to too many colleges, meaning too many supplements that I want to finish a few months before their respective deadlines, so I was hoping to save myself a trip to the over-worked writer's clinic haha

Oh, I see. As I've implied before, I don't know much about undergrad stuff.

I have written one essay for the Rhodes Scholarship. It's "slightly" similar to Questbridge as its purpose is to select students for admission to Oxford. While writing it I tried very hard to not make it sound exactly like my SOP. So I researched a lot about the scholarship, and wrote it in a way which brings out my those qualities which they look for in a student. In other words, I tried to "tailor it to fit the scholarship".

Does that help?


I know what you mean. I'm in the same situation. I'm thinking about applying to universities of at least three different countries. So that makes my university count quite large.

I find grad school essays easier though. At least, they don't carry annoyingly vague prompts.

I think whether or not to revise depends on inspiration. Invest a moment of inspiration next time you catch one, and your inspiration will give you some sentences. Use those sentences with sentences from the other essay, or use them with other good ones.

And about the topic, same thing: Choose whether to to keep the topic the same or change it -- and choose based on your creative inclination. :-)

It's not a matter of being lazy or being diligent. It's just about catching that wave of inspiration when it comes (usually in the morning).