Nota Bene: These are the thoughts I'd like to have in my essay. I feel as though I don't answer the prompt that well. Any suggestions? How can I make it flow better? Also, I'm 58 words over. Can you help me shorten it or will I be fine? Thank you!
Essay #1 (Required for all applicants. Approximately 250 words.) Everyone belongs to many different communities and/or groups defined by (among other things) shared geography, religion, ethnicity, income, cuisine, interest, race, ideology, or intellectual heritage. Choose one of the communities to which you belong, and describe that community and your place within it.
Spit flies, heart beats, and mind races. These sensations are all too familiar -- I'm in a debate round. The thrill of the round fills me with pure ecstasy as I complete mental gymnastics to stay one step ahead of my opponent.
Debate is like a sport; debaters play each other in a game of wits. The fastest minds win. Just like sports, debaters must work with each other to defeat their opponents. I remember going into debate thinking that I would be a hotshot who could carry every debate by myself -- boy was I wrong. At my first tournament, I only won two rounds. Nevertheless, my team continued to support me. With their support, I was able to grow into a debater worthy of the Captain position. There truly is no "I" in "Debate."
The Okemos High School Debate team is my second family. We all join together twice a week and we have fun. We talk about debate strategies, our lives, and just anything we have an opinion on. We all enjoy world news and wearing suits.
Debate is renowned for its diverse community. Diversity breeds collaboration, as people of different backgrounds and cultures work together. As I expose myself to the world of debate, I am able to expand my worldview and knowledge. As these distinct cultures mix, a new one emerges: one of tolerance and unity -- the culture of debate.
The time I have dedicated to debate has proven invaluable to me not only academically, but emotionally as well. I've competed with the brightest and made friends from all around Michigan. I've even connected with debaters around the nation. The lessons I have learned in debate will stay with me forever as I strive to become both a better student and a better person. I am a policy-maker. I am a debater.
I am afraid that you write too much about debating itself, and not enough about the community. This looks more like "your extracurricular activity" essay, than "the community one". This essay should be about cooperation, about how you support others, and how the whole group act like. You can improve it by concentrating on people and their community, more than on you and your activity.
I hope this will be helpful and don't worry, just keep on working. I can see you passion, so you can write a wonderfull essay. Good luck!
am afraid that you write too much about debating itself, and not enough about the community. This looks more like "your extracurricular activity" essay, than "the community one".
Good intro but you definitely need to centre it around the community aspect of the club.
I too agree with both Shilay and Kristoria. You present your ideas very well in your essay, but it seems like your focus is not on the community but it is on that activity of debating. You need to address the community aspect more seriously. As Shilay explains you should talk about how that community impact your life, what your place in it, how you contribution is valued by your community, what you gain out of being a member there etc. You can touch on your enthusiasm of being a member of debating team, but you need to have more emphasis on your team, and not debating. Align your answer more with the prompt!
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