"Delegate of Japan, you have the floor." - activities Common App Short

Hi, Please help me with my common app short essay. Any help will be appreciated!

Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences (150 words or fewer)

"Delegate of Japan, you have the floor."

I strode to the front of the classroom and faced some 30 other delegates, all from different parts of the world. Whereas most schools sent delegations of more than 10 students, my school only sent 5. I was determined to prove my worth by bringing back the "best delegate" award. It was a challenge, as many of the delegates were far more experienced than I was, but I did my best and did extensive research beforehand.

This was an extraordinary out-of-classroom learning experience for me. Not only did I get to apply and evaluate what I learnt in the classroom and put it in context, but I also developed as a person. I became more confident and as I befriended them, became more open minded and aware of other's other's culture. My determination proved worthwhile: My resolution was passed and I was nominated "best delegate."

Thank you! Its a 148 words now.

It was challenging, as many delegates were far more experienced than I was (this was my second MUN) Don't use brackets. Try "It was a challenge for a second year MUN delegate as myself, as many other participants were far more experienced than I was."

I could not have been more pleased with myself when the conference ended: not only did my resolution pass, I was also nominated (although I did not win) "best delegate." Again, no brackets. Use a semi colon instead of a colon. Actually just get rid of the brackets and the statement in them as long as you keep the nominated part.

I'm going to assume that you're going for a political major, right? Your short answer doesn't really say anything about you as a person. I know the prompt is to elaborate on an activity or hobby, but think about it this way. Chances are the app already includes that you're on your school's MUN. Admissions counsellors already know or at least get the gist of what happens during one of those events. The question is there for you to give your own personal twist to it that showcases your personality and the type of person you are.

Agree with coeurreign don't use brackets. your essay isn't persuasive enough. you have some good points but overall it's a pretty decent essay.

Thank you so much! I've edited it, please comment and tell me how I can improve it further.

was, but I did my best and did extensive research beforehand.This sounds awkward to me. I think you should keep it, but just rephrase it.

My determination proved worthwhile: My resolution was passed and I was nominated "best delegate."This seems like it was just thrown in there.

It's getting better. I'm finding out more about you. I feel like you have dedication to anything you do, you're open-minded, and willing to change. Great, colleges love that type of stuff. Just a few minor tweaks and this could be great. Good luck!

... became more open minded and aware of other'sothers' culture.
_____

Solid essay. I think you need to spend less time describing the activity (1st paragraph) and more on your reflection (like your 2nd paragraph). Good luck!