My essay is written as a story of my brothers death and I need some major editing done to this. Also I need to cut about 100 words from this. I'm trying to make it flow smoothly and get my message across of how important education is to me now as a result to this incident. Any help would be greatly appreciated.
Heres the prompt:
Tell us a story from your life, describing an experience that either demonstrates your character or helped to shape it.
Tips
Some of the best statements are written as personal stories. We welcome your imaginative interpretation.
You may define experience broadly. For example, in option 2, experience could be a meeting with an influential person, a news story that spurred you to action, a family event, or something that might be insignificant to someone else that had particular meaning for you. If you don't think that any one experience shaped your character, simply choose an experience that tells us something about you.
Essay:
On May 3rd, 2005, I came home from school and found my house a disastrous mess. I looked for my mother, but for some reason she was hysterical, as if possessed by a demon. I tried to calm her down and ask what was wrong, but she did not understand through her shock. I went to my older brother, Mowel, to seek an explanation. As I entered his room I witnessed him sobbing uncontrollably for the first time in my life. This immediately worried me; I had always seen Mowel as a strong individual who would never show his emotions. As I approached him, I frantically demanded him to tell me what had happened.
He turned towards me and uttered, "He's gone..."
Still confused I exclaimed, "Who?!"
"Demsas! Someone shot him! He's gone!"
My stomach dropped. I couldn't comprehend what I had just heard. My older brother, Demsas, who I had just spoken with the night before, was gone. I went to my room and broke down sobbing uncontrollably. It seemed like a horrible dream. I cried in my room for what seemed like years, lost in my own mind, trying to comprehend the impossible. Memories flashed of the countless summer days we spent with each other, watching movies, playing in the park, and fixing cars together. My brother, my closest friend, was gone and I would never see or talk with him ever again. I knew I would never be the same person again.
A week later, family members from across the world came to pay their respects. Since I was only eleven, many people believed I was too young to know my family's background and history with Demsas. My father, however, thought differently and finally told me the truth.
In 1990, my parents decided to move to America, trying to avoid war torn Eritrea and provide a better environment for Demsas and Mowel. We moved to San Diego, California, where I and my younger brother, Nebay, were later born. My father recounted the hard time Demsas had with English and fitting in at school during elementary school. He would often fail at writing and reading with abysmal improvements. As a result, Demsas was forced to repeat the 6th grade due to his English and writing skills, and things just began to spiral downward for him.
My father found a better job located in Seattle so we packed up our things and headed north. Demsas continued to struggle in school, never being able to catch up with his peers. He eventually dropped out of high school during his junior year. At this point, my father said, Demsas was lost. He had moved out and lived with his friends in a rough neighborhood in Seattle trying to make ends meet with dead end jobs. Abandoning his education left him with no light to guide him.
At this point, my father had to stop because it became too hard for him to continue. As he left to lift my brother's casket I couldn't help but wonder what Demsas could have been if he had received additional help to support his education. As a former E.S.L. student, I understood the struggle between two vastly different cultures, and identities to conform to. For me, however, it was easier to adapt because of my natural citizenship here in the U.S.
As I watched my brother's burial, I imagined the countless opportunities lost within his life. The drive for his education was lost and as a result, his life as well. I realized then and there how much of an impact education is for someone's life and how serious one should take it. Like Aristotle once said "Education is an ornament in prosperity and a refuge in adversity." Education provides equality to all who seek it, and those who utilize it can reach unfathomable heights. Realizing this at a young age gave me hope for my future and an understanding lesson from my brothers' life.
I agree with the comments above...AMAZING
your topic is, im sorry to say, very attention-grabbing.
As a reader, i can almost picture myself standing next to you.
Your writing is so vivid and descriptive.
As goes for grammar, i think the guys above pretty much covered it.
Just here to give a few words of encouragments lol
