Prompt: In an essay of no more than 500 words, tell us about a community (i.e. your school, your church, your neighborhood, etc.) that was instrumental to your personal development, including specific examples of how and why it challenged you to better yourself.
I am trying to recycle one of my essays to answer this prompt, but I am afraid that it doesn't really address the prompt fully. Thank you everyone who would be reading my essay :) Please give me some feedback and advice on how to revise this essay to answer the prompt above better.
Essay:
A week after our departure from NC Governor's School, I got a letter from Alex Guzman, congratulating my 18th birthday:
"Eric, you are one of the people that have influenced me the most in my life. I am grateful for our friendship. I love you!"
Walking down the rows of tables holding my first dinner at Governor's School, I noticed a Latino-looking student seated in a table filled with ghosts. Out of curiosity or sympathy, perhaps both, I sat in front of him, trying to pull out a smile and some enthusiasm. "Hey! My name is Eric. What's yours?"
After my first encounter with Alex, I concluded he was a very depressed, introverted, and almost antisocial individual. During the first few days, Alex soon opened up with me, and I with him, sharing personal conflicts and seeking advice from each other. As our friendship progressed, Alex began to tell me the recent events he had gone through concerning family, church, academics, and friendship. He told me how depressing and stressful it had been for him. I had been recently going through similar hardship due to domestic and economic instability myself. Prior to summer, my parents' conflicts had reached the court. In order to help Alex recognize the positives in his life and the potential within himself, I had to maintain an optimistic outlook despite my own troubles. In providing him with counsel and support, I learned to pay attention to others' problems instead of simply grieving over my own. It required me courage, trust, and understanding to provide him with candid, friendly advices when he needed them.
Five months after Governor's School has ended, we still maintain our friendship and counsel. Last month, Alex informed me of an estranging incident between him and his younger brother. Giving him advice, I had a chance to reflect upon my relationship with my sibling and to challenge myself to become a more caring and open-minded brother. Even though Alex came to me with an emotionless, shy mask, he left me with drops of tear and a wide smile on his face. I have helped him understand the value of true friendship and discover the true color inside him. In return, Alex has taught me that small pieces of advice along with the willingness to help could bring about a positive, enduring impact on others. With some courage and optimism, I too can bring positive change in other individuals.
Walking down the rows of tables at Governor's School with my first dinner in my hands, *you don't have the school in your hands :x
My first encounter with Alex resulted in a conclusion that he was very introverted, almost antisocial.<make this more active and not a passive sentence
Well, I would help him have some fun at this camp then. <informal. [I decided to help him have...]
up to me, and I to him <is it supposed to be "up with me, and I with him"? I'm not sure. maybe it's fine>
fearful of approaching others openly first [fearful of being the first to openly approach (an)other(s)]
true color [use a dash here] his
Alex had been able to [Alex had open up to]
counsel < used awkwardly>
Even though Alex first...<I thought you approached him. and about him being a ghost, you sure?>
focus more on how this challenged you to better yourself. you can change a few sentence to seem less like you knew everything and were able to advise him perfectly..talk about what you had to go through..
Thank you very much Jonathan.
That's a good idea. I will do that :)
Also, I have included another essay to the second prompt. If you guys have time, please read that too :) Thank you very much!
2) In an essay of no more than 500 words, tell us what matters most to you (heart), how it engages you intellectually, (mind) and what you do about it (action).
Living in the twenty-first century, I double-click on my internet explorer icon several times a day. Soon, Daily North Korea infuses me with news reports on crimes, nuclear missiles, a famine that killed millions, and children picking up rotten beans on the muddy streets for supper. At church, I see pictures and letters from the North Korean children whom my church has adopted, a beautiful cross-stitched rug presented by North Korean refugees from China, and grandparents who have left a part of themselves in that isolated piece of the Korean peninsula. Anywhere I go, I hear the words "Kim Jong Il", "nuclear war", or "kidnapped journalists" spoken with a trifle tone, sometimes with hatred, and often derogatorily. Yet, no one mentions the "North Korean refugees", "defectors", "families", "starvation", or "help."
This year, I found Vision for North Korea with my roommate. Both of our grandparents had migrated from North Korea during the Korean War, and we were both embarrassed and surprised to discover that many of our friends and families were hardly aware of the details of the human rights crises in North Korea. Over the summer, we created an online blog where students could post and discuss interesting articles and issues on North Korea and began to spread our motive and intention. In November, we invited guest speakers and hosted a screening of the documentary Seoul Train which illustrates the dangers and fears that North Korean refugees experience every day. We are now organizing various awareness and fundraising activities on and off campus. To further my involvement and hands-on experience, I also plan to apply for an internship at Liberty in North Korea, an international organization offering help to North Korean refugees worldwide. If selected, I will be traveling throughout the states, spreading awareness and raising funds over the summer.
Today, I open my internet explorer and read about the story of a defector, another broken family, another starving child, and liquidation of yet another group of people. As my knowledge about the sufferings and the injustices expands, so does my passion and desire to help the people. No longer is North Korea a piece of foreign land, somewhere distant and invisible. It breathes in my heart as my grandmother's homeland, as a home of my people, and as a part of my global community.
This essay about N. Korea is so powerful! I am impressed.
Internet Explorer is a proper noun:
...my Internet Explorer icon several times a day.
Thank you very much Kevin :)!
