'dependant on computers and technology' - past circumstances and major choice

Hi could someone help me review my essay? Thanks!

Prompt:
How have your past circumstances and experiences (such as your upbringing, community, and/or activities) impacted who you are, your future goals, and your choice of major? If you haven't decided on a college or major yet, briefly explain your intentions and aspirations for your first year at Illinois. Please limit your response to approximately 300 words.

Draft:

Since I was a young boy, I have been surrounded by and dependant on computers and technology. A large majority of my childhood was spent on the computer, usually wasting my time playing online video games, chatting with my friends on AIM or downloading music. As I grew up and moved from to elementary school, to middle school, and eventually high school, the technology I had become accustomed to being around evolved and advanced with me. I remember getting my first cell phone, mp3 player, and many other new technologies throughout these years, each one more powerful, faster, and easier to obtain as the years progressed. Only recently have I truly started to appreciate the blistering face pace technology has been, and continues to grow at. Moore's Law, which describes the trend where processing power doubles approximately every two years, exemplifies just how fast our world is evolving and advancing into the future. After taking an introductory course in Java and computer science this year, I came to the realization that I too wanted to take part in this incredible era of technological growth while also pursuing a field I truly find gratifying. I clearly remember spending a lot of time out of class in middle school designing a game in a program called Scratch for my computer class. Although I did not realize it then, I really enjoyed designing and building something out of nothing. I would only come to fully realize how satisfying and exhilarating computer science is for me in my Java course junior year and I look forward to taking AP Computer Science this year as a senior. I am extremely excited to learn more about computer science so I can hopefully contribute to the exponential improvements that have been shaping the world in the past few decades. I believe the computer science program along with the abundant research and development opportunities at University of Illinois could really help me fulfill this goal.

Overall not bad for limited amount of words essay.))
I'm not a native speaker, but I found some mistakes and unevenness.


I think you should write something like this: ...was spent with my arms around the computer..


accustomed with


maybe " with new gadgets" would be better


help me to fulfill


confusing, I understand that you meant powerful and faster that the preceding gadget, but in this sentence those adjectives will relate to "to obtain", so revise the sentence.

and use italics for names like Scratch and Moore's Law

Hope I was helpful)

The preposition used for both "spend" and "accustomed" is "to". check the following terms in your dictionary: Spend something on something; Be accustomed to (doing)something

Regards
Ahmad

Ok i was wrong with accustomed with, but spent with my arms around computer is correct

yes it is true, but what Bwang13 wrote was correct too. I made a mistake in the last post. The preposition of "spend" is "on". I spend my money on Sth.

Hi bwang13,
Nice try, yet a lot of improvements can be made. "designing and building something out of nothing" is a great insight in your essay (actually I think it's the best one). Compared with your first 5 sentences ("Since I was a young boy, ...continues to grow at.", comparatively "normal" experience to most people), your experience with Scratch is much more unique, and I suggest you shorten the first 5 sentences to save space and elaborate on the Scratch experience. For example:

I clearly remember spending a lot of time out of class in middle school designing a game in a program called Scratch for my computer class.

How much time a day/week/month? (e.g. my entire summer vacation, 4 hours a day, every single lunch break, etc. Make it concrete.)
What was, Scratch? (e.g. What exact kinda game? About what? )
How you designed Scratch? (Any pleasantly detailed jargons? include 1-2 here to make your story more convincing=) )
Did you play it again and again? (I bet you did!)
Who else tried it? What's the feedback?

Although I did not realize it then, I really enjoyed designing and building something out of nothing.
Hmm...If you didn't realized back then, how did you actually enjoy? How did you enjoy, and why?
What's the thrilling part of it? Something like "The little green ball on the screen, too abstract to be called a game character, danced and hopped like an energetic avatar of me, full of energy and aspiration." You gotta convince someone who isn't familiar with CS that "Hey, you know what, designing a game is SOOO much fun!" You have to show your enthusiasm instead of telling.

Also, in terms of the closing part...
I believe the computer science program along with the abundant research and development opportunities at University of Illinois could really help me fulfill this goal.

Another sentence about "telling" instead of "showing". We won't mention a name just to vaguely say that "you are my good fit". Instead, when we refer to a specific name like UIUC, we should mention what exactly we anticipate of it, for example, faculties, programs, special courses & opportunities for students, etc.

In general, you've made a good start and the best thing is, you still have PLENTY of time to better your essay. You may try making it concrete as I've suggested, and do peer review for both versions--Good luck with your application!