'grandpa's obsession with manual labor' - UIUC: past circumstances and experiences

UIUC essay: How have your past circumstances and experiences(such as your upbringing, community, and/or activities) impacted who you are, your future goals, and your choice of major?(no more than 300 words)

Any comment, critique, and suggestion would be appreciated :)

Grandpa has a magical hands that can seem to make everything he wants. He painted his own house, made a chair with my name carved on it, and wove reeds into a beautiful basket.

Seeing my grandpa's obsession with manual labor, I wanted to try DIY and know how it feel like. At first, I just followed the instruction on the book and made some simple stuff, like a wooden box. But grandpa told me to drop that book, he said"It will only limit your idea." I did so, although I did not quite understand why at that time. Without drawing and instruction on the book, I had to design and create things on my own, which then I found was the most exciteing part of DIY. When I built a bookshelf with wavy surface to increase its wight capacity, and designed a box which I put my headset in without making the wires so twisted, I felt happy and satisfied I had never felt before.

Grandpa encouraged me to learn things by hands. He once took apart a watch to show me how it works. I still remembered how shocked I was when he opened up the cover of the watch. I saw a quartz in it pulsing like a human heart, powering the gear train rhythmically, and finally moving the watch hands. The sophistication and elaboration of this seemingly common machine interested me and I was dying to explore more. As I tried to figure out how things work by my hands, I fell in love with many delicate machines and instruments. Because my interests in machine, and manual work, it will be very exciting if I can study mechanical engineering at University of Illinois. And I believe grandpa will be very happy to see it.

I think this essay is quite touching and really responds well to the question. Towards the end though-


you should rethink these last sentences. You only hit the surface of what i can tell is a deeper thought. Make yourself sound more passionate especially if you are passionate about making you're grandpa proud.