Describe a significant choice that you had to make, discuss the consequences...

"Every day we are presented with choices, some more challenging than others. Describe a significant choice that you had to make, discuss the consequences of your actions, and highlight how the decision will influence your undergraduate education and goals for the future."

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There were about a hundred people in front of me. Each and every one of them were grasping a water bottle in one hand, while desperately struggling to fan themselves with the other hand. Sweat was a unifying factor between us. I wasn't sure what kind thoughts were circulating, but in my head, a feeling of restlessness had began to take hold. Restless, I thought, to go into a store and spend $300? I had to be crazy. It was then I took a look ahead of me and that concern was laid to rest. "Crazy", I determined, was a term better suited to the people with lawn chairs and ice chests at the front of the line.

Or was it? Even now, I stand in disbelief that I, along with my parents, stood in that line, with the temperature far over 100 degrees, for more than 4 hours. Although I would have a hard time convincing my parents to reenact that day, I wouldn't have it any other way.

Two years later, with an iPhone now in my pocket, I find to hard to explain the impact its had. Almost like a geeky version of a spidey-sense, I felt taken back. I was always interested in the internet and the technology, but never considered myself "obsessed". Now, well, I would say my parents would that's the perfect way to describe me.

I was obsessed, not with the phone itself, but the possibilities it brought. So many people in our country and around the world witness the end results of technology, but even fewer appreciate it, understand it, and consider it "cool". Seeing countless people spend hours waiting for a piece of technology sparked a thought in me. If technology was more accessible, if it was easier to understand, then more people could truly experience it's advantages, as I did and continue to do.

The ability to learn about any given subject at any time has incomparably influenced me and all I do. Simply taking "I don't know" for an answer no longer satisfies me. Having an abundance of information in the palm of my hands has injected a weird sense of obligation in me.

If I truly want people to see technology the way I do, I need to do contribute. I need to be the change I want. But how do we focus information and technology to produce meaningful change? Well, the first step is to make the information and technology accessible and appreciable. As a appreciator of technology, being a part of the XXXX University, surrounded by the students of XXX, only seems natural.

INFO: The bolded part is one of 6 "Challenges" presented by the University, so I think it would be recognizable to the reader.

How do you think it is so far? I'm not sure if I'm being to vague about how it influenced me, and if I answered the prompt sufficiently.

Each and every one of them was grasping a water bottle in one hand while desperately struggling to fan themselves with the other hand . Sweat was a unifying factor between among us.

I had always bee n interested in the Internet and the technology, but never...

Now, well, I would say my parents would that's the perfect way to describe me.--- I'm not sure how to fix this one. I think you must have just accidentally left it this way. How about:

Now, well, my parents would say that's the perfect way to describe me.

Sharpen up this notion of a decision you had to make. Find a way to describe the decision as one that involved having to choose one option over another. I think it would be good to show this heavy decision somewhere near the end of the first paragraph, so that the reader understands how the question is being answered.

:-)

Thanks so much for the help. I see exactly what you mean about the lack of a "decision" feeling, and I really didn't discuss the consequences.

Here's a possible revised paragraph. What do you think?

There were about a hundred people in front of me. Each and every one of them was grasping a water bottle in one hand, while desperately struggling to fan themselves with the other. Sweat was a unifying factor among us. I wasn't sure what kind thoughts were circulating, but in my head, a feeling of restlessness had began to take hold. Restless, I thought, to go into a store and spend $300? It was a hard decision, but I decided to buy myself a phone. Doing so meant committing to a monthly payment, a scary thing at age 15. It also meant my job became more of a job, and less of a luxury. I had to be crazy. It was then I took a look ahead of me and that concern was laid to rest. "Crazy", I determined, was a term better suited to the people with lawn chairs and ice chests at the front of the line.

Efficiency:

There were a About a hundred people were in front of me, every one of them was grasping a water bottle in one hand while desperately struggling to fan themselves with the other.

Sweat was a unifying factor among us. --- this is great.