- Every day we are presented with choices, some more challenging than others. Describe a significant choice that you had to make, and discuss the consequences of your actions. How did your decision impact your life?
"Life is as we make it, always as been, always will be". This quote was depicted from Grandma Moses. When presented with choices that we make in life ,without a doubt it will someday affect us . Whether may it be good or bad, we are the ones responsible to take every action that we make. The purpose of writing this essay is to explain and define my past experience about the most significant choice that I had to make. Currently, I am a student in Malaysia, trying to apply to a university in the United States.In the past before I entered college, I was given a choice. One of the most significant choices is deciding a major. I did understand back then that choosing a major would mean deciding my future career, in other words "what I wanted to be when I grow up".
Before entering college, I had a difficult time in deciding my major as I have many aspirations in life that I wanted to do such as a doctor, Interior designing and even architecture as one of my significant few choices. I was struggling for answers of my own. Not until my aunt helped me in laying out the possible majors that best suit my own passion. From then on, I decided my major should be psychology. Psychology has always been a subject that I am interested in. As I recall, when I was young, I remembered that I had a friend that had severe depression. She was always seen as the "mental case" in our class. Whenever I see her, there is always a bruise or a "cut" on her wrist and other parts of her body. Even at one point, she tried to take her own life with a blade but I was there to prevent her from doing so. I informed the teacher and they decided to make an emergency call to her parents concerning her problems. They took her to see a counselor so that they are able to help her with her depression. From then on, I had realize that people such as my friend, need someone to be there for them when they go through the many extremes in life. I wanted to be able to impact people's lives when they do not have a voice to represent them.
Therefore, I decided to enroll in an American Degree Program in Malaysia. So that I am able to enroll in a university in the United States, where they provide distinguish and most versatile higher education in the world. In order to pursue that goal, I have to learn from the best and as a university in the United States, I believe that the University of Massachusetts in Boston would be able to help me conquer my academic and personal goal. With a diverse campus and curriculum, I can pursue my academically and personally as I take part in your programs that are available to students.With your mentoring and networking system I believe that it will be extremely beneficial. If you want to be the best, you have to work with the best.
As a student, I plan to gain as much knowledge as possible to become a well-rounded
person. As my transcript has shown, I am able to grow academically and I hope that your university is able to give me a chance to improve myself in your university. As your university, is renown for providing its students with every needed resource ,including hands-on experience. Your university that teaches their student to think outside the box is truly outstanding. To be a part of that would be an opportunity of a lifetime.
I know that this is not an easy task to accomplish but I consider a university as a step towards a big dream . I know that from here , I must learn more about living an independent life away from my parents and closest friends . I think this is going to be a tough decision since I would be going out of my comfort zone . But I am about to explore a new world which is unfamiliar to me and, after my resolve, I am not afraid to take the next step and I hope your university will help me get through the hurdle that are ahead of me and help me make the University of Massachusetts, my new academic home.
Please review!
Thank you.
Greetings !
me conquer my academic and personal goal-conquer not a suitable word
As my transcript has shown, I am able to grow academically and I hope that your university is able to give me a chance to improve myself in your university-this sentence doesnt make any sense . You may say enhance my knowledge for a better prospect
From then on, I had realize that -try to use suitable linking devices
But-However I am about to explore a new world which is unfamiliar to me and, after my resolve, I am not afraid to take the next step and I hope your university will help me get through the hurdle that are ahead of me and help me make the University of Massachusetts, my new academic home.
Overall Comments :
The essay is poorly constructed, displaying flaws in understanding of some of the material. There are some omissions or inaccuracies. The essay may not be fully focused on the question asked.The essay attempts to address the question, but may not be focused and/or contains some significant factual or conceptual errors, indicating insufficient understanding to merit a pass.
-Sometimes mistakes in grammar but language used is mainly accurate, Mistakes arise from more complex language use
-Some variety in sentence structure, However, generally repetitive sentences are found
-Mainly basic vocabulary. Errors in use of more ambitious vocabulary.
-Relevant points
-Some coherence in paragraphing
-Not very well organized points
-Essay is slightly interesting
Thank you.
Okay, I'll show how to correct the grammar, and you should practice typing each sentence several times to get good grammar habits! I'm glad you posted here so we can find your errors.
Do you have any questions about Isai's critique?
I'll post some sentences with correct grammar below so you can practice them:
Whether may it be good or bad, we are the ones responsible for every action we make.
The purpose of writing this essay is to explain and define my past experience of the most significant choice I had to make.
Psychology has always been a subject that fascinated me. As I recall, when I...
Keep it in the past tense:
... was young, I remembered that I had a friend that had severe depression. She was always seen as the "mental case" in our class. Whenever I saw her, there was always a bruise or a cut on her wrist and other parts of her body.
...ealize that people such as my friend, need someone to be there for them when they go through the many extremes in life. I wanted to be able to impact people's lives when they do not have a voice to represent them.---Excellent example!!
As a student, I plan to gain as much knowledge as possible to become a well-rounded
person.---Too general. Will you say something specific about the specialization that interests you? Be very specific. :-)
As my transcript has shown, I am able to grow academically and I hope that your university is able to give me a chance to improve myself. in your university.
But I am about to explore a new world, unfamiliar to me, and with my resolve I am not afraid to take the next step. I hope your university will help me get over the hurdles that are ahead of me and help me make the University of Massachusetts, my new academic home.--I made many changes here. Practice carefully! :-) Your English is almost perfect, but you still need some work.
