Does this make sense and/or any mistakes? I know i still need to work on this. Any help greatly appreciated.
Prompt #1
Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school- and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
"I wish I could be anywhere else but here," i thought to myself. My uncle had plenty to drink and he was really scaring me. I never knew he had such an evil side to him. The road from the race track to my house seemed to take hours by the time it was over. My uncle was furious for losing his whole pay check at the race track, the more he lost, the more he drank. I was telling him to slow down, the truck was running at 60 mph and he was not in the best condition to drive. There was my biggest mistake, pretending to be his father. He lashed out screaming at me and he began to drive like a maniac. When we reached the paying toll at the bay bridge, I was a bit relieved because I knew we were almost home. The relief vanished in seconds when my uncle pulled up to the toll worker, passed the toll worker and had to back up to reach the worker. He payed the four dollars and what happened next made me as pale as the white truck I was riding in, he had forgotten that the truck was in reverse so he stepped on the gas and we went backwards almost hitting the car next in line. He immediately put in drive and sped off, I thought the toll worker would report us and I was expecting the a California Highway Patrol Officer to track us down, but he never came. I was angry at how careless he had been earlier and I made one comment and he lashed out at me again. He yelled and pounded on the seat between us, I had never felt so shallow and disrespected.
Looking back , I have noticed trends in my family with alcohol. Every family party there were family members who drank until literally their bodies could not take in anymore. I know I have a choice to go down the same path, or make my own path. A couple years back I decided to walk down my own path, and my path will pass through work in law enforcement. My success in chemistry has given me the confidence to look into forensic chemistry as a career option. Things never turn out as one plans them out, but for now plan is to study chemistry to become a forensic scientist. I am combining my strengths with my interests. Solving crimes creates justice which is my life goal. Watching some of my relatives drive intoxicated made me angry. Getting rid of drunk-driving completely is unrealistic but helping law enforcement officers lock-up drunk-drivers is a step in the right direction.
in my view point....
The title of the first paragraph would be "my uncle is a crazy driver".
and if you take a look to your Prompt #1 , and try to compare it with your first paragraph. ask your self. are they related to each other?
When we reached the paying tolltollway at the bay bridge
I was expecting that the a California Highway Patrol Officer to track us down.
please click on my user name and check my paper please.
Hi David,
Thanks for sharing such a personal topic with us. I think you've done some excellent work here, but what I would recommend is that you try to 'show rather than tell' in this essay and try to create more of an engaging, engrossing story.
I frequently give this feedback to applicants, but it is valuable to remember. The way you begin this essay positions you and the reader as a passive participant, and does not help create a real sense of tension, or effectively communicate your spontaneous reactions to the event itself. You write:
""I wish I could be anywhere else but here," i thought to myself. My uncle had plenty to drink and he was really scaring me. I never knew he had such an evil side to him. The road from the race track to my house seemed to take hours by the time it was over. My uncle was furious for losing his whole pay check at the race track, the more he lost, the more he drank. I was telling him to slow down, the truck was running at 60 mph and he was not in the best condition to drive. There was my biggest mistake, pretending to be his father. He lashed out screaming at me and he began to drive like a maniac."
I might go in this direction:
""I wish I could be anywhere else but here," I think to myself as my uncle and I drive home from the race track. He was furious for losing his whole pay check at the races, and the more he lost, the more he drank. Still, I had never known this dark side of my uncle. He is in no condition to drive. As the truck reaches 60 mph, I beg him to slow down. This is my biggest mistake, pretending to be his father. He lashes out, screaming at me, and begins to drive like a maniac."
Here I shift to present tense, and vary the sentence structure to subtly underscore the intensity and freneticism of the event. I actually don't modify your language much at all. Just a small tweak that helps to increase the impact of your personal story.
I love what you've done with this essay, and think you're definitely headed in the right direction. Nice job!
Sincerely,
Brooke
Ivy Eyes Editing
