Instructions:
For each of the following scenes, write a description paragraph, covering as many senses as possible. Think about your own experience in such events.
No wind, no cloud, just subzero temperatures. Piles of frosted brown leaves, innumerable flashing fragments shine in the brilliant wintry light. Even the leaf stems lie white and sharp. Ahead the path glistens like white quartz, yet ice crystals on concrete wall is all it is. All this beauty over everything dead.
Down below, the houses are empty, but the village is all alive, bustling with festivity, warmth and noise. People of all generations walk through the streets, clad their usual blue, fur-rimmed parkas and brown leggings. But tonight, they wear their headbands and sashes, which are painted with the bright colours of summer : Red, Green, Gold , Blue, Yellow, Crimson, Emerald and auburn.
The hustle and bustle of chatter, cheers of celebration ; tantalising smell of warm stew, fry meat, caramel desserts wafted the air. The village emitted golden glow. Tonight, a few hours, people can experience the joy that usually exists beyond boundaries of winter. The joy, the warmth, appreciating the warmth of the sun and it's blessing's of fire ; subsistence in the midst of the icy overcast.
Can tell me how I did compared to my previous writing?
I welcome negative comments. If possible try reading my previous thread and compare to tell me how should I improve. Thanks !
Comments:
No wind, no cloud, just subzero temperatures. [...] All this beauty over everything dead.----> It is not based the IELTS styles. Paraphrase; overview.
Whoah! Is this the same Samuel who wrote the descriptive essay about a marketplace? It doesn't seem so. This is a 100 % improvement over your first written work. Amazing! Congratulations on developing such an involving, imaginative, and practically, interactive depiction of an outdoor winter festival. It is very poetic in approach and relaxing to read. You did excellent work! However, you still have some grammar problems that need to be addressed.
The first grammar problem is that you do not seem to be conscious of the grammar rules that indicate how the words "A" and "An" are to be used in a sentence. When a word starts with a vowel (A,E,I,OU) the word before it should be "An". While the word "A" is used for all the consonant starting words (B,C,D, and all other non vowel listed alphabet letters). To be more specific:
"A before words, abbreviations, acronyms, or letters that begin with a consonant sound, regardless of their spelling."
"An is used before words, abbreviations, acronyms, or letters that begin with a vowel sound, regardless of their spelling."
Please keep the rules in mind because it makes a big difference when one approaches reading your work. Now, for the minor grammar corrections.
... Even the leaf LEAVES (PLURAL FORM) stems lie white and sharp...
... But 9 GRAMMAR RULES INDICATE THAT NO SENTENCE CAN START WITH BUT OR BECAUSE) ...
... fry FRIED meat, caramel desserts wafted WAFT THROUGH the air. The village emitted EMITS (PRESENT TENSE DESCRIPTION.TtHE NARRATOR IS IN THE SCENE AND EXPERIENCING IT) A golden glow. Tonight, FOR a few hours, people can experience the joy that usually exists beyond boundaries of winter. The joy, the warmth, appreciating the warmth of the sun and it's blessing's of fire HEAT (FIRE DESTROYS SO IF THE SUN EMITTED FIRE, THERE WOULD NOT BE A FESTIVAL. HEAT MAKES THE FESTIVAL HAPPEN BECAUSE PEOPLE FEEL WARM EVEN WHEN THE WEATHER IS COLD) ; subsistence in the midst of the icy overcast.
Samuel, please disregard the advice of Sholihin. It does not apply to you because you are not taking the IELTS. You are an ESL learner which is totally different from an IELTS test taker. You did good work on this essay. The format he is advising does not apply as you are not writing an IELTS writing task essay but an ESL descriptive writing essay. You are a student of English while IELTS is an English exam for international students. Don't be confused :-)
Sholihin, Samuel is not writing an IELTS Essay, he is an ESL student learning how to write in English. He is practicing his descriptive writing exercises. Your advice to him is not applicable as he not taking the same test as you are. Please refrain from offering advice if you are not sure or do not understand what the student is trying to do in the exercise. Wrong or misleading advice can confuse the student and make it harder for him to learn the English language. Kindly make sure that you understand the requirements of the student's work before you offer advice.
Thanks very much, actually I did research on various writing styles, so I thought might as well combine it all and use some thesaurus ..
I don't really understand IELTS and ESL , but I know I am taking Cambridge IGCSE first language english ( 0500 )
Any ideas ?
My teacher said that this essay contains alot of half-hanging sentence
Do they ?
@ vangiespen
Samuel. your teacher is correct. That is because the sentences can actually still be developed into more complex and informative thought structures. Since this is a piece of writing that is concentrated on the description of the place, I did not bother to bring up the hanging sentence problems because the slight shortcomings that you have in terms of sentence structure did not deduct from your ability to accurately describe the scenario in the essay.
I am not sure what it is that you want me to do for you at this point or what to advice you because I am not your creative writing teacher. It is his job to teach you how to correct your shortcomings when it comes to sentence development. I am only here to comment on your writing style and as far as I am concerned, you are on the right track and have the potential to improve greatly in the future :-)
Thanks XD ! !!!