"to design it my way" - Brown University Supplement Essay

Please tell us more about your interest in Brown: Why does Brown appeal to you as a college option? Who or what has influenced your decision to apply?

When I was 5, I was given paper, pencils, and crayons to make my own drawings. When I was 11 my school gave me ice-cream and a table of toppings to choose from to make our very own sundae. When I was 16, I was part of a club that I helped lead and make a change. Today, I am given a school of beauty and prestige, diversity and history, and freedom and opportunity. Brown University will provide me with the supplies I need for my future, but will allow me to design it my way. I will be able to study under the Division of Biology and Medicine and find my specific area of interest. Although I have a deep love for science, I am still quite intrigued by history and art. With Brown I can combine my interests for a unique program of study. Having my service projects be a big influence on my life, the Swearer Center is an ideal place to work with others and take action. My life has always been about independence and individualism. I belong in a place that lets me create my own drawings, make my own sundaes, and be a leader. I belong at Brown University.

I would really appreciate some feedback if it answered the prompt, made sense, and is grammatically correct. Also it has to be 1000 characters and I am about 60 characters over so I need help makign it shorter. Thank you! :)

I don't think it's strong enough. The idea about the school system providing you with different tools throughout your youth is okay. But the ending (based on that concept) doesn't give the reader a sense that you actually belong at Brown. Any school is going to let you create your own drawings and make your own sundaes :P

I kind of agree with Grace. You need to be a little more specific. What kind of supplies/resources does Brown uniquely offer that will help you pursue your goals?


Small grammar error. "Having my ... life" is describing you, not the Center, so it should instead say
"Having ... life, I can work with others and take action in the ideal environment of the Swearer Center."
Also, you should mention what about the Center makes it ideal.

Hope that helped.