I just want to know how I can improve my essay
Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
During my brief tenure as a child, I obeyed everything I was told and did everything without question. As I continued to grow, individuals in school and family broke my robotic attitude. I began to question the world around me and developed an urge to help others who worked hard. My desire to help others improve their social status has sparked my interest in politics.
My 10th grade teacher assigned reading Fahrenheit 451, a book reflecting a totalitarian society. During the reading, my teacher instilled the vision of the society and mocked the society's lack of independent thought. Disgusted, I refuse to allow such a government to control my world and began questioning the motives of politicians. As I began to question more and more, I began to form my own opinions and views. I started noticing many people in the working class who struggled, yet received little or no help. Unlike the book's society, I realized the government could help people struggling and help improve people's lives.
My father expanded my love for politics. Following traditional Chinese ideologies, he expected me to obey every command without question. Several ideas I disagreed with and refused to comply. Frustrated, my father attempted to punish me. I refused to obey because I perceived his actions as unjust. No longer would I subject to an action simply because I was ordered to, instead I would question the motive and determine what to do. Remembering how unfairly I was treated, I wanted to make sure no one else had to endure the same treatment. Entering politics would allow me to help remove discrimination.
As I continue to grow, I will always have a desire to help others. I hope to influence a newer younger generation to cherish their surrounding and help others in need of help. Entering in a University of California would be the first step in fulfill my desire.
My bad, this is the first prompt
Too much story, where is your reflection?
You have 90% story. That's a no no.
You should write what it is that you learned from this. Your reflection.
Oh, that is good advice that teenaxboee gave you. You should add a paragraph of reflection to the end, and then you should add a sentence to the first paragraph, too -- a sentence that prepares the reader for the truth at which you will arrive through reflection. You are more than half way done! Good luck!
:)
Kevin
This is great! I'll just change one sentence:
As I began to question more and more, I began to form my own opinions and views. I started noticing many people in the working class who struggled, yet received little or no help. I realized that, unlike the society portrayed in the book, our government had the ability to help...
