I just finished my essay, and I am trying to figure out where I went wrong. It is not very convincing, and I am lost at what to do about it. Any tips/suggestions/ideas?
Prompt:
In an essay of no more than 500 words, please select three words that describe you best and tell us how you will use these qualities/characteristics to contribute fully to the Boston University community.
After my first tour of Italy, I realized I wanted a diverse and intellectual education with a curriculum centering on Italian Studies. I set a goal to return to Italy to validate this as a potential academic pursuit. I have a strong will to succeed and persevere, so I began my new mission by extending my work hours at a supermarket and refraining from using this money frivolously. Although it was a difficult balancing act with school and extracurricular activities, I knew my determination would pay off. And it did, my second trip was a very rewarding experience. I can apply this same perseverance to further challenge myself by intensifying my Italian Studies and even studying abroad through Boston University's Padova language and Liberal Arts Program.
My large high school, with a wide variety of students and faculty with different ethnicities, has given me many opportunities to identify with unfamiliar cultures. I have an unbiased mindset that every person "has a voice." With my open-mindedness I can embrace the similarities and bridge the differences between cultures. Currently I am working on hosting a cultural festival of sorts to connect all of the culture-based clubs like Asian Club and French Honor Society. Containing students from over one hundred countries and fifty different cultural organizations, Boston University's diverse campus community will allow me to build even more bridges.
I am a warm and amicable person. In a new situation, this interpersonal skill is the keystone in establishing relationships. To successfully be a cheerleader, one must be friendly and vibrant to infuse life into the game. I have applied this throughout many other aspects of my life by effectively networking across multiple and diverse groups of people throughout my academic and social life. Because Boston University has a large student body, my interpersonal skills will enable me to fully take advantage of its many offerings.
With these qualities - determination, open-mindedness, and amicability - I can enhance the Boston University community while in Boston, and beyond.
It is feeling a little schizophrenic to me. I know that the cheerleading is a thread that carries through the essay, but I see it as conflicted with the language/culture/travel aspects. Your three words get lost. I am not sure what they are ...
I think I would drop the cheerleading from this particular essay and focus instead on your attributes through the other, more unified, aspects of the essay.
