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'My determined and independent grandfather' - person who had a significant influence


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Oct 15, 2008   #1
Could you, please, check my essay?
Thank you.

The morning started with such promise. My Grandfather and I woke up at the break of dawn and excitedly packed our fishing gear and lunches. For days we had planned this trip, a fishing excursion that we expected to yield a great bounty of fish, enough to feed the whole family. However, the only thing we managed to catch after six hours of work was a single crawfish. Just when I was ready to give up, my grandfather, like always, came up with a solution to save the day. On the way home we made a little detour and bought a pair of catfish to present to the family as our catch of the day. After leaving the store, my grandfather explained to me that I could always achieve my goals through perseverance. I have never forgotten the lesson my grandfather taught me that day, a lesson that I apply here in the United States.

My Grandfather is a quiet man who seldom speaks much, usually preferring to keep his thoughts and opinions to himself. Perhaps he has always been this way, but I believe that the long hard years of living in the former Soviet Union changed him. The most prominent feature I can remember is his eyes, one sea green and the other sky blue. I could never tell which was his real eye. I heard it had happened at the age of ten when the Nazis occupied his hometown during World War II, but he never spoke about it.

My Grandfather inspires me with his independence and determination. Even with one eye, he has accomplished many things in his life. With his powerful hands, he built a summer home out of stone on the family farm, where he grew everything from potatoes to grapes. He also put his brilliant mind to work and became a champion with crossword puzzles, winning a flat screen television in a nationwide competition. From him I learned that one could overcome anything, and I put that knowledge to use when I took AP English III. Writing had not been one of my strengths, so at first, I struggled in that class. However, I did not give up and eventually overcame my difficulty, scoring well on essays.

What also inspires me about my Grandfather is how he always perseveres to achieve his goals. Admiring his father, he followed in his footsteps by becoming an engineer. Even though many people tried to persuade him to choose an easier career, he would never give up. He began working towards his dream from an early age, reading books about engineering well beyond his level. After years of hard work, he graduated from Donetsk Polytechnic University with an engineering degree. My Grandfather worked in the engineering field for twenty years, for a metallurgical plant. Never satisfied with his past achievements, my Grandfather constantly sought to improve his abilities as an engineer, even though under Communist rule every worker was paid the same, so there was no point in working harder than other people. My grandfather was driven by his joy for learning. My Grandfather eventually retired and went on to teach at a metallurgical college, a job he still proudly holds today.

Just like him, I strive to achieve excellence in classes, activities, and groups to which I belong. Every English, science, and history class I have taken in high school has been upper level or AP. Even now in my senior year, when most of my classmates are taking it easy, I continue to take the harder classes. I have also been accepted to the Kitty Hawk Honor Society in my JROTC unit for my grades. In addition, my hard work and determination led to my promotion to an officer within my JROTC unit. I will bring these same traits with me to college, where I will determinedly pursue my dream of a degree in Computer Engineering.

Because of my grandfather's example, I feel devoted to learning and constantly seek improvement within myself. My Grandfather developed new techniques that increased productivity in metallurgical engineering and I want to do the same in the field of computer engineering. My Grandfather taught me to follow my dreams, to never give up, and give it my all, a lesson I learned at an early age and still apply today.
EF_Team5 - / 1,586  
Oct 16, 2008   #2
Good afternoon.

Just a couple of suggestions. First, "Grandfather" should not be capitalized, unless it is the first word in a sentence. It is not a proper noun, so capitalization is not necessary. The same goes for "Computer Engineering."

"...which was his real eye. I..." should be "...which his real eye was. I..." grammatically speaking.

"Never satisfied with his past achievements, my Grandfather constantly sought to improve his abilities as an engineer, even though under Communist rule every worker was paid the same, so there was no point in working harder than other people" is a fragment. It should be something like "Never satisfied with his past achievements my Grandfather constantly sought to improve his abilities as an engineer; under Communist rule every worker was paid the same so there was no point in working harder than other people."

In regards to content, your essay is good, but it seems that you should spend more time focusing on how he has influenced you and the ways this influence is reflected in how you live your life. You tell impressive stories about your grandfather, but spend overall little time on how they have changed you.

I hope this helps.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com


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