Hey this is my personal essay for the common application. Can you please read over it and tell me what you think? Is it cliched? What does this essay tell you about me?
Thank you!
Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.
From time to time, I take out one of those old photo albums that my family kept tucked away on the shelves. I constantly flip through each page, coming across pictures of a young five year old boy with a bright smile across his face as he spends time with his grandparents. In every picture there is a sense of hope in the boy's eyes. A hope of staying by the ones who nurtured his small body with their own gigantic hands, giving him the hope of growing and becoming as big as them that would stay with him to this very day.
My grandfather (whom I call Ye ye) is a tall, skinny but strong gentleman. His hair is crisp black with specks of white strands crawling away from the groups of black. His face is gently carved, exposing an expression of intelligence and kindness. He is a Professor of Chemistry of Xiamen University in Xiamen, China. Whenever he gets back from work, Ye ye picks me up with those gentle hands and spends his time playing with me. Ye ye then sits me down on his lap, gets out some books, and teaches me to read and speak mandarin. Ye ye also trusts my small careful hands to light his triumphant cigarettes. Amazed by my new-found ability to use a cigarette lighter, I always light his cigarette with a feeling of happiness in accomplishing such a task. My grandmother (whom I call Nai nai), like my grandfather, is gentle and caring, always taking me on walks around our local park. I always feel the breeze of happiness gush inside as I hold my grandmother's hand and glide into the park. Nai nai always takes me to the beautiful fountain at the middle of the park, where she splashes my face with the water, and I laugh jubilantly and splash her back. When we return home, my grandmother washes me with her soft and diligent hands.
Living at my grandparent's house for three years was the most relaxing and happiest period of my childhood. My grandparents not only gave me the gift of happiness but also taught me manners and etiquette; they built the foundation of my personality. Eight years after I left my grandparents in China to be reunited with my parents in America, my grandmother was diagnosed with cancer. A few months later, she passed away, leaving me in a puddle of bittersweet memories. Her loss had a huge impact on me, and I was furious that she left at such a young age. That year, when I visited my family in China for my grandmother's funeral, everyone lamented her passing, especially my grandfather. Ye ye used to be happy and joyful, but that day his smile faded from his face. That bright spirit was replaced with a feeling of loneliness and sorrow. I stood there at the funeral with my grandfather and grasped his hand as if it were the last light of my childhood. Even though Nai nai is gone, I still can feel her smooth hand walking me through the park. I can still feel her voice lingering in my head whenever I do something wrong. I can still feel her kindness guiding me to a path of happiness.
The painful family tragedy makes me more mature. I start thinking more about my future, wondering what I can give back in return for my grandmother's selfless love and dedication. A light flashes in front of me, telling me to set my mind on medicine and a journey of becoming a doctor. I hope one day to find a cure to cancer so Nai nai will not die in vain and that millions of other patients like Nai nai can prevail. To realize this goal, I have focused more on science subjects and have taken leadership positions that aim to benefit people's lives. This summer, I have dedicated five weeks attending a pre-college program at Johns Hopkins University to broaden my scope of science. With the help of college medical programs and majors, I am confident that my thirst for medicine will be quenched and that I will be able to contribute myself to the research of cancer. As I keep on flipping through the old picture album, I see the happiness once again. My grandmother and grandfather are both by my side smiling, taking me through the park and to a future full of light.
From time to time, I take out one of those old photo albums that my family keeps tucked away on the shelves. I constantly flip through each page, ...
A hope of staying by the ones who nurtured his small body with their own gigantic hands, giving him the hope of growing and becoming as big as those who would stay with him to this very day.
I can still feel her voice lingering in my mind whenever I do something wrong. I can still feel her kindness guiding me to a path of happiness.
I hope one day to find a cure for cancer so Nai nai will not have died in vain and that millions of other patients like Nai nai can prevail.
This summer, I have dedicated five weeks to attending a pre-college program at...
I think that at the beginning of paragraph 2, you should mention again the photo album, recalling these happy times as you look through it. This is because it's written in the present tense, so it would make it clearer. Nice essay!
You need hyphens here:
My grandfather (whom I call Ye ye) is a tall, skinny-but-strong gentleman.
His hair is crisp black with specks of white strands crawling away from the groups of black center. His face is gently carved, exposing an expression ...
You write very well!!
I think this should be capitalized:
Mandarin
... leaving me in a puddle of bittersweet memories. ----again, I am impressed with the poetic style you use.
I hope one day to find a cure for to cancer so Nai nai will not die have died in vain and that millions of other patients like Nai nai can prevail.
I hope you have lots of success!! If you can find it, watch the documentary called "Food Matters" as one of the steps along your path.
