Hi guys,
I hope you can be critique and tell me how is my essay.(because I am a terrible writer.)
I also beg for you pointing out where I should change to improve my essay.
and I think I should rearrange the order of my paragraphs, Can you guys give me some suggestions?
Thank you Sooooooooooooooooo much!!!
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Statement of purpose
After Graduating from a high school in China, I attended a liberal arts college entitled Lake Forest College in Illinois. I was born and raised in a community of traditional ideology. From my two years in the United States, I am equipped to face people from different countries and respect their diverse cultural backgrounds. People with varied backgrounds held wide range of opinions which brought me countless different notions. Though it could be awkward being in a situation where people were defending their thoughts intensely, I still loved to communicate with people who possessed various ideas. The unique experience inspired me to think in multiple aspects. Difference is the essence when it comes to cultural understanding.
Marketing is the field I am eager to get involved in. Thanks to my current major economics, I began to think like an economist. By understanding fundamental economic theories, I gradually grasped the principle of consumer behaviors. Studying economics provided me with the knowledge of rudimentary components of marketing studies. In my opinion, marketing is one of the most exciting subjects relating to economics, management and business. To study marketing is to become competent of leading consumers to purchase willingly. Employees who apprehend marketing principles and possess the ability of attracting a steady stream of customers are demanded for almost all companies. To a future entrepreneur interested in technology, marketing knowledge and distinguished computer science skills are necessary. Moreover, with an outstanding computer science program, the University of Washington gathers talent students from all over the world, which provides me the chance to contact ambitious people who specialize in computer science. It is valuable to me because I have ultimate target of owning my business.
In the past two years, I have been nominated and accepted into the Dean's list and therefore awarded full scholarship. Thanks to my academic achievement, I seized an opportunity to get involved in the Richter's Scholar Program and Kemper Scholar Program. As a choir singer in college women's chorus, I took part in a choir-orchestra performance in Michigan. Working as a college library computer assistant, my boss relied upon me to manage archived, precious documents. I participated actively in the French Club and mastered French skills from the elementary level.
I declared French as my second major at the end of my freshman year in college. At first, I took French class just to fulfill the graduation requirements. However, after coming into contact with French, I realized I could not help digging into it. I spent more than four hours every day on French, since a fifty-minute class was not enough for me. I made progress on oral proficiency through discussion with fellow students at the French Table every week. My French skills improved rapidly because I have a gift for language learning. As a result of passion and hardworking, I am currently taking advance-level French classes only in my second year since my first French class.
The alumni network connections to influential corporations are the primary reason that I want to transfer to the University of Washington at Seattle. Attempting to build a superior start for my future career path, I think it would be relatively easy to locate internships within the network. Aiming to become a successful alumni, I believe more opportunities to learn from them are attainable in a selective university. Proposing to center my interest on marketing and management, I intend to transfer to the university that offers such courses fantastic courses in marketing. Purporting to start my own business, I consider looking for ambitious people to start business together in the University of Washington at Seattle be a reachable strategy.
Okay, I have to admit, I stopped reading in the first paragraph. Why?
because you have not developed a proper intro or thesis, it seems to be a list of accomplishments...
what does the actual question ask of you? just one topic not the 50 or so questions you wrote? what does the prompt ask you to write about?
we can work from there after you establish this/
thank you, and I look forward to working with you on this essay
PLS SEE BELOW
Okkkkkkkk.... all this sounds good. But in my understanding SOP means more than a listing of accomplishments. Rather it is your opportunity to talk to the admission committee directly and let them know more about you as an individual, in a manner that your transcripts and the other application information cannot convey. So I wish you include more creativity to this answer. They ask you;
Tell us about your college career to date, describing your performance, educational path and choices.
Present them your journey so far. Tell them about different facets of it; the challenges you took up, what you learned through them, the choices you mad etc.
Your SOP needs their attention to stand out among hundreds of other applications.
