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I was different because I had a sister - Identity essay.


Boa503 6 / 16  
Dec 30, 2014   #1
I am not a native English speaker, so please check my grammar and context.
Also, I am not sure if this essay is off-topic...
Any feedback and criticisms are appreciated. Thank you in advance!

Prompt: Some students have a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.

Essay:
Title: I was different because I had a sister

I love my sister. I hope that I always have had, but there was times I wished that she was never born.

We were one year and nine months apart. She was not documented as a member of my family because she was a hidden child. She was illegal. Before she was six, we lived separately - I lived with our parents in the city while she lived with our grandma (from my mother's side) in the rural countryside. However, I still loved her and carried my big sister responsibility. I was told that when I visited her I liked to feed her and share everything with her. I would pull a whole bowl of chicken soup because I was afraid that she was not full.

However, this love distorted when my parents left us and came to the United States when I was three. In school, I began to realize that everyone else was the only child in the family. They had many cousins but not a single sibling. Every day watching the parents waiting eagerly outside the school gate to pick up their child, I felt that I was different. I have a sister, but I don't have parents.

Eventually this love became frustration and then hatred. It was two weeks after my sister moved in to live with me. We just got home from school for a lunch break. While waiting for Grandma coming back from food market, I saw her running quickly toward me. At first, I found it very funny because I never saw Grandma ran and she was such a strong women that would not allow herself for being weak.

But my laugh suddenly froze when I heard she yelled with a face of horror.

"Tell Nan to hide somewhere. Go! Hurry! Go!"

I was stunned and shocked. At that moment, I had feeling that something was totally wrong with my family and my sister was the reason. So I hurried up to find my sister and grabbed her hand to the wooden desk in grandma's room and pushed her under it (I used to play hide-and-seek under that desk).

I said in cold voice, "Stay there, and don't move."

She was trembling and looked at me with eyes filled fear and panic. But she did not ask why.

So, she knew this. She had this experience. I thought uneasily.

Little did I know that at that instance I had come to a conclusion: my parents' leaving was all because of her. She was the one that made me different from others. She was the trouble. This thought would follow me for next few years and eventually burst out when I questioned my parents over the phone.

"Why you have so many children while others only have one?"

It was then I felt such relief and happiness as I finally realize that my anger of my sister was all the fear of being different from others. Now, I saw my difference. I faced this difference. I had courage to accept my difference. I am proud to tell others that I am special because I have a sister. She was not a hidden girl anymore. I feel confident to tell others that I don't live with my parents because they are preparing a better future for their two children. I love to introduce my Chinese identity to others, I love to murmur a math problem as I taking a customer's order and ignoring eyes of wonder, I love to negotiate the price with AT&T representatives, with car salesman, and even with restate agents for my parents.

I love my sister. I love her the way I love myself as being different and appreciating this uniqueness.
takinwe124 2 / 3 2  
Dec 30, 2014   #2
There's quite a few grammatical errors to fix and you should add more variety in your sentences. They're mostly simple, short sentences. But other than that I like the content and how you tied it all together at the end. I think it answers the prompt pretty effectively..

"grandma (from my mother's side)" change to "maternal grandma"

I was told that when I visited her I liked to feed her and share everything with her. I would pull (kind of confusing verb; did you maybe mean pull out as in "pull out a bowl") a whole bowl of chicken soup because I was afraid that she was not full.

However, this love became distorted when my parents left us and came to the United States when I was three. In school, I began to realize that everyone else was the only child in the family. They had many cousins but not a single sibling. Every day, as I watched the parents waiting eagerly outside the school gate to pick up their child, I felt that I was different. I have a sister, but I don't have parents.

While waiting for Grandma coming to come back from the food market, I saw her(ambiguous pronoun) running quickly toward me. At first, I found it very funny because I had never saw seen Grandma ran run, and she was such a strong women that would not allow herself for being to be weak.

Those are some ones that you should fix. Make sure to get some one else to root out all the other grammar issues. Also the spacing is kind of weird. Get them into paragraph form.
EmelyMorales 4 / 12 3  
Dec 31, 2014   #3
Not focusing on the grammar mistakes, it is a very nice story. The one thing I will say is that I was confused as to why your sister was "hidden." You did not mention where you are from and things like that in the beginning. I think you should mention that in the beginning, because it makes it confusing a bit. Other than that, I like your story. It is interesting and very sweet. Good luck on your applications :) Hope I helped.
OP Boa503 6 / 16  
Dec 31, 2014   #4
What about this: She was illegal under China's One Child Policy. Does that make the essay more clear?
OP Boa503 6 / 16  
Dec 31, 2014   #5
One thing that I concern is i am afraid this story does not show any of my character...
HopefulHoya2015 2 / 5  
Dec 31, 2014   #6
You are right to be concerned about this essay. It shows little of your character and your personal self. It's more about you sister than it is about you and doesn't really tell me much about your background. I think you need to go over it again and try and infuse more about you and "your background" like the prompt asks.
OP Boa503 6 / 16  
Jan 1, 2015   #7
I was different because I had a sister. I love her the way I love myself as being different, unique.

I rewrote this since last essay shows littler of my character. Can anyone tell me is this essay show my character???
I am not a native English speaker, so please check my grammar and tell me if there is anything that doesn't make sense.
Any criticisms or feedback will be appreciated. Thanks in advance!!!
keylijosselyn 1 / 8  
Jan 1, 2015   #8
I hope that I always have had , but there was time I wished that she never was born.

"i wished that she had never been before"

my sister just quietly hided under the desk without saying any word. She hided in that little space all afternoon

the past tense of hide is hid.

reason of her hiding

for

grandma in a rural area

I finally understood the real value of my parents and my sister meant to me

It would sound better if you wrote " I finally understood the value I had for my parents and sister, and what they meant to me"

i hope this helps, good luck
OP Boa503 6 / 16  
Jan 1, 2015   #9
I am 12 words over the word limit, is there any way that I can cut it down? And are there any other grammar mistakes?
keylijosselyn 1 / 8  
Jan 1, 2015   #10
In the first correction I made, I meant to write "I wished she had never been born."

I am appreciate my parents' commitment to invest their life in their children's future. I enjoy to be the only Chinese student[/i] in my International Baccalaureate class as I introduce my Chinese identity to others.

appreciative of
" I enjoy being"

restaurantthat[i] I finally

Take out one sentence that you feel won't affect your essay as much with its absence.
leiya0920 5 / 23 9  
Jan 1, 2015   #11
I love my sister. I hope that I always have had, but there was time I wished that she never was born.
--> I love my sister. A lot. But there have been moments when I wished she was never born.

On the second day of my third grade, my sister and I just got home from school for a lunch break . She just moved from our maternal grandmagrandmother's house to live with me three weeks ago. So, to help her get used to her new environment, I decided to play hide and seek while waiting for Grandma. Suddenly, I heard a loud "Bang" as Grandma slammed the door and ran toward my sister while yelling, "Go! Hide somewhere. Hide under that desk! Hurry!" I was stunned, shocked and scared. Never in my life that I had seen Grandma in such face of horrorso much fear . Instead of questioning anything like I did, my sister just quietly hidedhid under the desk without saying any word. She hidedhid in that little space all afternoon.

NEW PARAGRAPH WILL ADD AN EFFECT It was later that night I finally found out the reason of her hiding -she was illegally born under China's One Child Policy. Since that night, my love for my sister became distorted as I blamed her for our parents' leaving and me being treated differently at school.

My sister and I wereare one year and nine months apart. Because of the One Child Policy, she lived with my maternal grandma in a rural area where the policy was not as strict as in the city where I lived with my parents. When I was three, my parents left us and camewent to the United States to seek for a fortunein pursuit of a better life . Since then, they have never gonecome back to visit us. The only ways that I got to know them were by talking to them over the phone every day and looking at their marriage photos. Because of their absence, my childhood memory was (incomplete) filled with lonesome and insecuritywere filled with loneliness and insecurity . At school, I was the only one who had a sibling and went home by myself and later, with a little sister while others, were carried on their parent's arms. I was aware of this difference, but I could not stand on it - I have a sister, but I don't have parents.

It was not until I came to live my parents and started to help at their restaurant that I finally understood the real value of my parents and my sister meant to memy family . They are part of my identity. They are the people who let me see who I really am. Seeing my parents work seven days a week, all year round with such determination and faith in their children's better future with unlimited freedom , I was overwhelmed bywith guilt and shame. I finally realize in all those years, It was not the fact that I had a sister that made me different than other children, it was my ignorance of who I really am that let me feltfeel inferior. Rather than felt angry by the presence of my sister, I was frustrated by imaginary inner fear of my own difference.I wasn't angered by the presence of a sister, but frustrated with my difference.I viewed myself through others' eyes and I tried to avoid this uniqueness . Now, I am proud to tell others that I am special because I have such a loving sister. I am appreciate my parents' commitment to invest their life in their children's futureour future . I enjoy being the only Chinese student in my International Baccalaureate class. I am honored to be the kid who helps at her parents' restaurant all year round. I love to be the only kid in the room to negotiate the price with AT&T representatives, with car salesmen, and even with restate agents for my parents. --> I don't understand what's happening here. Only kid in what room? Your parents' restaurant?? Make that clearer.

I love my sister. I love her the way I love myself as being different and appreciating this uniqueness.--> I love my sister. I love her for her uniqueness and quirks, just like I love myself for who I am.

I think you have to really work on what you want to talk about. This prompt is easy in a sense that you can talk about ANYTHING. But it is also difficult because you need a firm grip on who you are, what you are and why you are that. So let's answer those questions.

If you want to use this essay topic, then link the experiences you went through in China and growing up with an illegal sibling to the person you are today. Are you appreciative of other people's different backgrounds? Maybe you're very open minded. Maybe you're a resilient person. Is there a particular characteristic that you think you gained from coming out of such a situation?

In doing that, your essay will make more sense. Right now, it doesn't answer the question very well. But your story is really interesting, and I got a bit teary eyed reading the ordeals you went through! With a bit more self analysis, this can become a good piece.

Good luck!!


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