Prompt: Please write an essay of 250 - 500 words on a topic of your choice or on one of the options listed below, and attach it to your application before submission. Please indicate your topic by checking the appropriate box. This personal essay helps us become acquainted with you as a person and student, apart from courses, grades, test scores, and other objective data. It will also demonstrate your ability to organize your thoughts and express yourself. NOTE: Your Common Application essay should be the same for all colleges. Do not customize it in any way for individual colleges. Colleges that want customized essay responses will ask for them on a supplement form.
Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
The essay has 639 words. I need to cut it down to at the most 500 words. But I don't know what to cut out. So if someone could help me with that and provide feedback it would be great appreciated.
I was born on March 10, 1993 in Acton, Massachusetts with a rare case of non-syndromic craniosynostosis. Because of this, the bones in my head were connected to each other which caused a lot of complications. For the first 3 to 4 years of my life, my parents and I spent a lot of time in doctors' offices.
My hand eye coordination and fine motor skills were very poor. I went to physical and occupational therapy to help me, which seemed fun to me. My vision was horrible, and I had to wear an eye patch because my eyes were crossed. I remember that I hated wearing it, and eventually I had surgery to correct my eyes.
I also had allergies and found out by drinking some milk, which caused anaphylactic shock. I had to be rushed to the emergency room, which must have been terrifying at the time. Because of this, I became very picky about what foods I ate. My diet consisted of pears, tortillas, crackers, and tomatoes. It took years for me to resume normal eating habits. I also was not growing and doctors in Boston were unable to determine why. I then moved to Morgantown, West Virginia, and my parents learned that my body was not producing growth hormone. Because of this, I had to receive shots until I was 18. I remember being terrified of the shots and locking myself in my bedroom to hide.
It took a lot of nurturing people like my parents and doctors to help me through all these problems. When I was that little, I was not able to talk, so when I was in pain, I cried and screamed. The doctors took care of me and did everything they were able to do to ease the pain. I also remember being scared of cameras when I was little and hiding whenever I saw someone with one. This is because lots of x-rays were taken of me, which frightened me, and the equipment used to take them looked like a camera.
Because of all these developmental problems I had, and the time spent in doctors' offices, my parents decided to have me wait a year before starting kindergarden. They wanted me to do stuff that I never had the chance to, stuff that most kids have a chance to do. They also enrolled me in lots of physical activities such as Kinderskills, which were fun for me.
I also gravitated towards music at a very young age. I loved to listen to it, and I had a favorite song. Later, at my preschool my friend's mom had a harp, and she taught lessons. I fell in love with the harp and for my sixth birthday, all of my family chipped in and bought me a harp. Playing the harp helped me overcome many of my complications such as a poor hand eye coordination. It also made me more relaxed and calm. I have continued to play the harp to this day and enjoy it very much.
Some of the problems I faced when I was little, I still face today. I continue to wear glasses, motor skills are not my strong point, and I still have allergies. Also, I am very quiet and sometimes have trouble talking to others and find it difficult to express myself.
Though I faced many struggles, I also gained some things. One is perseverance. I have learned to stick with things and not give up. Music has helped me to believe in myself and to know that I can accomplish what I set my mind to. Recognizing what is difficult for me, I have become organized so that I do not fall behind with my work. I am grateful for my family for helping me through this and supporting the person I am today.
This is the first time I edit something so I hope I do allright. :)
I think you chose the right subject to write about since your case seems to have given you enough to learn from. I do think, however, that it would benefit more from a careful look at how you write your sentences. I feel that this essay could be a lot better if you made your sentences flow. Right now they seem short and sound more like lists of information rather than a story.
Try to avoid repetitive words. Instead of using harp, try finding other words which could substitute it.
As far as the last three sentences go, in the piece that I quoted, you should probably try to make them flow together rather than use them as three individual thoughts. Also, how are those things relevant to the rest of the essay? Why was it important that you mention how quiet and shy you are?
Again, I do not have much experience revising essays but I hope that what I offered was good enough. I am sure some one will come along with a much more thorough look at your work.
