"Out of difficulties, makes miracle" (Purdue University essay)

Please help me.I am not very good in English but i have tried my best to write the statement below. Help me to improve it and I will be very appreciate it. I need to post it within these few days.

What is the best advice you have ever received? Describe how it has helped you and how you have used it.

During the January of last year, I had further my study into my current college. I was first enrolled into an Intensive English Course due to my poor predominate of English Language. As I only took 2 subjects in the first semester, I had lots of free time in my time table. I thought I could easily handle the subjects and started to follow my new friends to play computer games. As I did not study consistently, I did not score well for those subjects. I felt disheartened at the very first time, but I did not reflect on my mistake and soon the situation became worsens. I continued to play during the semester 2. I started to regret when I ended up with 2 subjects failed. My CGPA had fallen to 2.02!

I felt ashamed to face my parents who have large expectation on me. I was very remorse and regret as that was all due to my persistent and arrogant. I thought my father would be very indignant and punish me. When I showed my results, my father did not scold me and even angry with me. He put his hand on my shoulder and told me a Chinese proverb which means"Out of difficulties, makes miracle". He explained to me that no matter what difficulties we faced, if we can work harder and harder to overcome it, even thing that is impossible will also ended up with miracle.

I learned from that and I always bear it in my mind. I started to change myself and working hard for my study. I aimed to enroll into a good university with minimum requirement CGPA of 3. I knew it was difficult for me to achieve this target, but I chose to work harder. After the third semester ended, I successfully to pass both subjects and even got A- in the subject that I failed with D+ last semester. I finally brought up my CGPA into 2.79.

Semester 5 was last semester in which I needed to apply for university for spring 2010. After calculation, I needed to get at least GPA of 3.50 to get 3.00 in my CGPA. Apparently, it was hard to get it. In spite of that, I did not give up and study everyday very hardly. I prepared every subject with all my efforts. After the semester, it was unbelievable that I get the GPA of 3.44. Although my CGPA finally had just rise to 2.99, I think I had done the best I could. My father's advice had inspired me a lots and I think that is the best advice I ever received before. With that, I had shown improvement of CGPA from 2.02 to 2.99. Thanks to my dad. "Out of difficulties, makes miracle", it will be miracle when you believe it.

This is very confusing. You were enrolled in an intensive English course because you were bad at the language? The following sentence doesn't click with me either.

I read the rest of your essay and I'm not sure if this is a great topic to use because it requires repeating information found on your application already. If your set on using this experience, explain how you were on the verge of quitting before your dad gave you the advice.

Yes, of course. Intensive English courses are for people who need to improve their English.

That said, I share the concern that much of this essay, in its concern with the minutae of your GPA, is beside the point of the prompt.

But this is one instance where we have to look at grammar before we can even think about content, because the grammatical errors are so frequent and glaring that they inhibit the comprehensibility of the essay.

Here is a piece of advice you may or may not want to hear: If you hope to get into a school like Purdue, you must -- absolutely must -- attend carefully enough to your grammar so that, at minimum, you consistently use proper verb tenses. You can get away with some errors, but errors on this scale mark you as unready for university-level study conducted in English.

So, you will need -- quickly -- to change this attitude:


English was your only major subject. English is not easy for you. You will need to work hard on English.

Start now. Go through this essay and put the whole thing into past tense. Do not use the present tense of verbs unless you are writing about something that is currently or still happening. You had lots of free time in your time-table; you started to play computer games; etc., etc.

Post a revision and we'll see what we can do.

Really? Intensive English is an accelerated course at my school.

Thank you both of you to give me such valuable opinions. I have tried to change the grammar mistake as much as I know. Please give me more advises and I will really appreciate it.

^You mean that you continued to study in your current college?


Spell out numbers.


second semester.





^"very" should be avoided.


^I started to study consistantly.


I'm still going to say that I am against this topic.

Thank you for helping me, you mean that i need to rewrite the essay or to change the front part of my essay into explain how i were on the verge of quitting before your dad gave me the advice?

^It is not necessary but it would be nice to add it in order to emphasize the effect that your father's quote had on you.


^I don't know. I just feel like the essay is weak since it deals with something so ordinary.

Thank you very much. I corrected the mistakes. I have tried to improved my essay without changing the topic. I tried to make it becomes more interesting. Tell me if there is anything to improve or anything you like to comment. I will really appreciate about that. If it is still unacceptable ,i may change my topic.

^I think you should. This essay is not that interesting. People do fail their tests in a while, and they do get better the next time. Nothing unusual. Just a circle of life.