I am writing my Biographical Essay for Questbridge, and I have been revising my essay for more than half a dozen of times now, but I really hope to get some critical feedbacks from different perspectives. Please help me edit my essay and perhaps revise some of my sentences; and I too, can help you in return if you need any revision with your writings. Thank You!
Questbridge - Biographical Essay
We are interested in learning more about you and the context in which you have grown up, formed your aspirations and accomplished your academic successes. Please describe the factors and challenges that have most shaped your personal life and aspirations. How have these factors caused you to grow? (800 word limit)
I whispered "晚安 ," to my dad, as I quietly unplugged the florescent light and started to make my way back into the darkness. I traced my path through the dark but familiar room and layed on my bunk. I glimpsed at the ceiling that was only two feet from my nose and began to speak that special heart to heat language I shard with my dad.. In the dark, I asked him questions that I normally would not. It was easier for us to speak freely to one another, knowing that he would respond from his bunk below. We both knew that what we said would be safe and forgotten the next day after we both had fallen asleep.
I met my parents when I was seven. My dad had visited me before, but I only vaguely remember him as a distant relative that came by a couple of times. I grew up in the village near the bank of the Minjiang River, and was raised by my aged aunt and uncle. I was left wild and free, and enjoyed running around barefooted and screaming at the top of my lungs. However, such behavior was not allowed in the more "civilized" towns. My strict mother punished me every time she caught me doing anything that was considered "improper". Every time my father saw her reprimanding me, he would tell her "It's okay, Mengyang is still transitioning." My dad was my savior, but he was not always there for me. He came home once in a while, but never stayed for too long because he and my mother always ended up fighting, causing him to depart again. Everyday, I eagerly ran home from school hoping to catch a glimsp of him, but found myself in disappointment.
A year and a half later, my parents finally divorced. My mother claimed my brother and my dad kindly accepted me. Together my dad and I left our native country and flew overseas to seek our dream in America. We landed in Los Angles, California, and settled in the nearby Latino community that offered more affordable housing. Our living situation was tight. We shared a small room in a townhouse along with several other tenants. My dad worked many different part time jobs to earn money and provide for us, but that was not enough. A month or two later, he apologetically handed me over to his sister. Warm tears trickled down my rosy cheeks at the thought of being abandoned again.
After a longing year, my dad finally came back from New York. He made a couple thousand of dollars working in a restaurant in New York City's Chinatown. After borrowing some money from our relatives, he started his own business in Downtown LA selling lasered crystal cubes. I helped my dad managed the store since I was ten. I helped him translate and conduct customized orders, though I only understood basic English at that time. There were many incidents when I did not understand the customer; in which, the customer and I exchanged random signs and outlined figures with our hands until we came to a mutual agreement. Prior to committing to Upward Bound, I devoted all of my spare time working in our store.
Our little store in Downtown L.A provided us with a meager, but sustainable income. Because we lived on frugal spending and tight budget, we manged to save up some money in hopes of purchasing a small house someday. We were only a couple steps from accomplishing our dream, but the economic crisis hit. Toward the turn of 2008, our business started to witness a trending drop in sales. Consumer interest dropped significantly and our returning customers purchased less frequently. Profit became thinner by the day and I watched sleek black strands of my dad's hair transform gray. The stress, though he did not want to express it, was clearly reflected upon his face. When I looked at him closely, I saw fine lines anchored at the corners of his wearing eyes.
Even though I am completely aware of our financial difficulties, my dad did not want our current economic situation to distract me from my academics. Although we cut back on our groceries and other living expenses, he did not withdrew a single cent from my school spendings. He squeezed $120 out of our tight budget to pay for my FBLA California State Conference after I have placed 1st in our Gold Coast Section competition. Correspondingly, I did not purchase any food besides a loaf of bread and couple cups of instant noodles for the four days.
My dad and I invest many years of hard-work in hopes of fulfilling our American Dream: to own a little house, have our own bedrooms, and sustain a stable income. Though we are still encountering hardships, we, nevertheless, firmly hold onto our American Dream. The lack of possession taught us to appreciate everything we still hold, especially relationships to those close to us. Through all these years of training, we became less vulnerable to struggles and more motivated and determined to succeed. As Benjamin Disraeli states, "Diligence is the mother of good fortune." As long as we continue striving for our dream, good fortune shall be with us.
883 words =( , needs alot of tailoring
Questbridge - Biographical Essay
We are interested in learning more about you and the context in which you have grown up, formed your aspirations and accomplished your academic successes. Please describe the factors and challenges that have most shaped your personal life and aspirations. How have these factors caused you to grow? (800 word limit)
I whispered "晚安 ," to my dad, as I quietly unplugged the florescent light and started to make my way back into the darkness. I traced my path through the dark but familiar room and layed on my bunk. I glimpsed at the ceiling that was only two feet from my nose and began to speak that special heart to heat language I shard with my dad.. In the dark, I asked him questions that I normally would not. It was easier for us to speak freely to one another, knowing that he would respond from his bunk below. We both knew that what we said would be safe and forgotten the next day after we both had fallen asleep.
I met my parents when I was seven. My dad had visited me before, but I only vaguely remember him as a distant relative that came by a couple of times. I grew up in the village near the bank of the Minjiang River, and was raised by my aged aunt and uncle. I was left wild and free, and enjoyed running around barefooted and screaming at the top of my lungs. However, such behavior was not allowed in the more "civilized" towns. My strict mother punished me every time she caught me doing anything that was considered "improper". Every time my father saw her reprimanding me, he would tell her "It's okay, Mengyang is still transitioning." My dad was my savior, but he was not always there for me. He came home once in a while, but never stayed for too long because he and my mother always ended up fighting, causing him to depart again. Everyday, I eagerly ran home from school hoping to catch a glimsp of him, but found myself in disappointment.
A year and a half later, my parents finally divorced. My mother claimed my brother and my dad kindly accepted me. Together my dad and I left our native country and flew overseas to seek our dream in America. We landed in Los Angles, California, and settled in the nearby Latino community that offered more affordable housing. Our living situation was tight. We shared a small room in a townhouse along with several other tenants. My dad worked many different part time jobs to earn money and provide for us, but that was not enough. A month or two later, he apologetically handed me over to his sister. Warm tears trickled down my rosy cheeks at the thought of being abandoned again.
After a longing year, my dad finally came back from New York. He made a couple thousand of dollars working in a restaurant in New York City's Chinatown. After borrowing some money from our relatives, he started his own business in Downtown LA selling lasered crystal cubes. I helped my dad managed the store since I was ten. I helped him translate and conduct customized orders, though I only understood basic English at that time. There were many incidents when I did not understand the customer; in which, the customer and I exchanged random signs and outlined figures with our hands until we came to a mutual agreement. Prior to committing to Upward Bound, I devoted all of my spare time working in our store.
Our little store in Downtown L.A provided us with a meager, but sustainable income. Because we lived on frugal spending and tight budget, we manged to save up some money in hopes of purchasing a small house someday. We were only a couple steps from accomplishing our dream, but the economic crisis hit. Toward the turn of 2008, our business started to witness a trending drop in sales. Consumer interest dropped significantly and our returning customers purchased less frequently. Profit became thinner by the day and I watched sleek black strands of my dad's hair transform gray. The stress, though he did not want to express it, was clearly reflected upon his face. When I looked at him closely, I saw fine lines anchored at the corners of his wearing eyes.
Even though I am completely aware of our financial difficulties, my dad did not want our current economic situation to distract me from my academics. Although we cut back on our groceries and other living expenses, he did not withdrew a single cent from my school spendings. He squeezed $120 out of our tight budget to pay for my FBLA California State Conference after I have placed 1st in our Gold Coast Section competition. Correspondingly, I did not purchase any food besides a loaf of bread and couple cups of instant noodles for the four days.
My dad and I invest many years of hard-work in hopes of fulfilling our American Dream: to own a little house, have our own bedrooms, and sustain a stable income. Though we are still encountering hardships, we, nevertheless, firmly hold onto our American Dream. The lack of possession taught us to appreciate everything we still hold, especially relationships to those close to us. Through all these years of training, we became less vulnerable to struggles and more motivated and determined to succeed. As Benjamin Disraeli states, "Diligence is the mother of good fortune." As long as we continue striving for our dream, good fortune shall be with us.
883 words =( , needs alot of tailoring
