Diversity has always been important to me ; Why Emory Essay ^^?

madmadiah 2 / 5

Oct 31, 2009 #1

Many students decide to apply to Emory University based on our size, location, reputation, and yes, the weather. Besides these valid reasons as a possible college choice, why is Emory University a particularly good match for you? [max 250]

Diversity has always been important to me. Born in Pakistan and raised in New York City, I've come across a wide variety of cultures. I was fortunate enough to attend a high school diverse enough to hold International Festivals every year and form an International Club which I quickly became president of. As a result, one of my main priorities while considering colleges was the makeup of the student body.

Emory's statistics were impressive ï it boasted a 30% Asian population, 4% Latino population, etc. However, the moment of realization arrived I watched the video visit. My face literally lit up as a fellow hijabi, or a Muslim woman who dons a head scarf, popped up on the screen. Out of the colleges that I had perused, none had personally connected with me like this.

I immediately booked a campus visit. Although I visited on the day after devastating flash floods struck Georgia, Emory proved to be even more appealing as it met most of my requirements for the perfect college. There was an active Muslim community, the Muslim Student Association ï when pointing out the Cannon Chapel, my tour guide mentioned that the MSA held a huge iftar, or the dinner in which Muslims break their daylong fast, to mark the end of the month of Ramadan. There seemed to be no obvious cliques within Emory ï students of all ethnicities intermingled with each other, and I could easily imagine myself as one of them in the fall of 2010.

Anyone want to read/critique/dismember?
Pwetty please?

Liebe 1 / 542

Oct 31, 2009 #2

Born in Pakistan and raised in New York City, I've come across a wide variety of cultures.

^Explaining how you have come across a wide variety of cultures should make your essay more interesting.

I was fortunate enough to attend a high school diverse enough to hold International Festivals every year and form an International Club which I quickly became president of. As a result, one of my main priorities while considering colleges was the makeup of the student body.

^'As a result'? What circumstances could have lead to such a 'result'?

Emory's statistics were impressive - it boasted a 30% Asian population, 4% Latino population, etc. However, the moment of realization arrived I watched the video visit. My face literally lit up as a fellow hijabi, or a Muslim woman who dons a head scarf, popped up on the screen. Out of the colleges that I had perused, none had personally connected with me like this.

^Were suggests that it was only in the past and that is it.
Boasted?
Moment of realization?= Cliche
Your last two sentences need grammar revision.

I immediately booked a campus visit. Although I visited on the day after devastating flash floods struck Georgia, Emory proved to be even more appealing as it met most of my requirements for the perfect college. There was an active Muslim community, the Muslim Student Association - when pointing out the Cannon Chapel, my tour guide mentioned that the MSA held a huge iftar, or the dinner in which Muslims break their daylong fast, to mark the end of the month of Ramadan. There seemed to be no obvious cliques within Emory - students of all ethnicities intermingled with each other, and I could easily imagine myself as one of them in the fall of 2010.

^You make some fairly good points here, but they are not expressed properly.
However, from your second sentence, you suggest that Emory does not satisfy all your needs. What do they not meet? In fact, why would you even want Emory to think that you believe that Emory is not a perfect match for you??

Also, is the most important thing in a University for you, an active Muslim community? You do strongly suggest this.

OP madmadiah 2 / 5

Oct 31, 2009 #3

Thank youuuu!
I will fix immediately.