Your introductory paragraph is boring. It doesnt set a scene, nor does it say something particularly interesting. If you removed the paragraph, I doubt any reader will particularly miss it.
My other teacher had me studying music theory and he got me into playing jazz, classical and alternative music. This clash in style had me accepting different ideas and kept me open to new things.
^That was a good point. But after reading your essay, it seems irrelevant, because you only focus on your guitar, rather than a clash of musical styles. The quoted sentences can be misleading. It could suggest to your readers that you are going to discuss diversity, by discussing a diversity in music.
Rutgers University is a vibrant community of people with a wide variety of backgrounds and experiences. How would you benefit from and contribute to such an environment
^You do not make it clear as to how you will benefit, yet alone contribute, to a diverse environment.
I understand that you played guitar with people of different ages and skill than you, but you do not make a clear point out of it. I am not even sure if you intended to.
Your essay needs to be more focused and specific to the essay prompt at hand.