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"Diversity through Music" - Rutgers Diversity Prompt


Sidefreeze 1 / 2  
Nov 17, 2009   #1
Theres probably a lot of grammatical errors in this and i think there are some problems with organization. Im not sure. I've read it so many times that it started to look correct. Comments, suggestions, revisions, and constructive criticism would be greatly appreciated.

i would also like to know if this essay will work with diversity essay (promt #5 i think) on the common app.

Essay Topic: Rutgers University is a vibrant community of people with a wide variety of backgrounds and experiences. How would you benefit from and contribute to such an environment? Consider variables such as your talents, travels, leadership activities, volunteer services, and cultural experiences. Only personal essays submitted via our website will be considered. You may enter a maximum of 3800 characters including spaces.

Music is a very big part of my everyday life, and playing the guitar has placed me in situations optimal to my growth as a person. I was thirteen when I first started playing the guitar. My parents had enrolled me in guitar lessons and bought me a new electric guitar. I was excited at the thought of having fun while improving and perfecting a craft. I had two different guitar teachers at the small music shop that I went to. They had different styles in both teaching and music. My first guitar teacher focused on technique and introduced me to blues, rock and flamenco. My other teacher had me studying music theory and he got me into playing jazz, classical and alternative music. This clash in style had me accepting different ideas and kept me open to new things. I practiced all that they taught me and even did some self study to add on. It was a lot to take in but I remained enthusiastic and determined throughout my journey as a student and guitarist.

In high school I had new challenges to overcome as well as new experiences to gain from. With increasing school work, volunteer opportunities, rehearsals, lessons and after-school clubs coming my way, I was very busy. Through planning and time management I managed to make it the situation work. I joined a volunteer club at my school while also volunteering my time to playing guitar with the choir at the church. With my entry into the music ministry I was able to contribute to the community, fulfill some educational requirements and play the guitar at the same time. Being sixteen, I was the youngest in the church choir besides my little brother. The other members were 30 to 60 years old. I acknowledged their experience and applied their advice to my playing. I also worked with them, by contributing my ideas to create a musical playlist that would be appealing to all who would be listening. Each week I would find out that our teamwork and collaboration paid off, after members of the community would express their gratitude toward our musical contribution to the church. After volunteering, I realized the importance of working with others as well as considering the needs and preferences of others.

I was serious about playing the guitar but I also took some time to have fun while playing it. Thanks to this six-stringed instrument I was able to jam with my friends and also play with people who I probably would not have met had I not played music. Every now and then I communicate with friends and family, whether it's for playing at birthday parties, playing shows, or just for having jam sessions. These experiences showed me the importance of networking and communication. Through networking and communication I can open myself to new opportunities and I can also introduce myself to new people that I can help or learn from.

I love what I do and I do what I love. I have no problem with connecting with new people. I also love to learn from others as much as I love to help them. With everything that I come across, I keep an open mind and try to broaden my horizons while staying dedicated. With or without my guitar, I will always stay tuned for the future and make the best of my experiences and try to grow from them.
Liebe 1 / 542 2  
Nov 17, 2009   #2
Your introductory paragraph is boring. It doesnt set a scene, nor does it say something particularly interesting. If you removed the paragraph, I doubt any reader will particularly miss it.

My other teacher had me studying music theory and he got me into playing jazz, classical and alternative music. This clash in style had me accepting different ideas and kept me open to new things.

^That was a good point. But after reading your essay, it seems irrelevant, because you only focus on your guitar, rather than a clash of musical styles. The quoted sentences can be misleading. It could suggest to your readers that you are going to discuss diversity, by discussing a diversity in music.

Rutgers University is a vibrant community of people with a wide variety of backgrounds and experiences. How would you benefit from and contribute to such an environment

^You do not make it clear as to how you will benefit, yet alone contribute, to a diverse environment.
I understand that you played guitar with people of different ages and skill than you, but you do not make a clear point out of it. I am not even sure if you intended to.

Your essay needs to be more focused and specific to the essay prompt at hand.
OP Sidefreeze 1 / 2  
Nov 17, 2009   #3
Cool. Thanks for the advice. I'm working on the focus right now.

"Rutgers University is a vibrant community of people with a wide variety of backgrounds and experiences. How would you benefit from and contribute to such an environment"

"^You do not make it clear as to how you will benefit, yet alone contribute, to a diverse environment."

EDIT: I kind of had these to show how i would benefit and contribute... Should i reword them???

"This clash in style had me accepting different ideas and kept me open to new things."
-i can accept ideas

"It was a lot to take in but I remained enthusiastic and determined throughout my journey as a student and guitarist."
-im determined

"After volunteering, I realized the importance of working with others as well as considering the needs and preferences of others."
-teamwork, and thinking of others

"Through networking and communication I can open myself to new opportunities and I can also introduce myself to new people that I can help or learn from."

-communication

sorry if this appears messy.. im not sure how to do the quotes thing..
OP Sidefreeze 1 / 2  
Nov 17, 2009   #4
I just realized how messy this essay was and im going to try to rewrite it. Revisions and suggestions are still welcome though.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Nov 19, 2009   #5
Yeah, isn't it weird how our writing looks different the next day? Well, as you revise, focus on not just telling about the experiences but USING the experiences to SHOW what you have to contribute.

In order to make that change, think of some good examples of how people contribute to diverse environments. One example is being an organizer of people. Another example is being someone who is passionate about TEACHING guitar and LEARNING a little bit of every language (for example). Use this story about your experience for a higher purpose -- the purpose of showing what you will contribute.
airrudra 1 / 3  
Nov 21, 2009   #6
Dude you need to stop using I's make yours prominent from the other half-wits who start every sentence with I. im not saying that you are a halfwit, nor will you automatically get into rutgers wothout using I's but it will definitely help.


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