"People, culture and diversity" - Rutgers University essay

I wanted to know if someone could review my essay for Rutgers? I know it really isn't that great and I had a hard time with a conclusion, so any suggestions would be great!

Rutgers University is a vibrant community of people with a wide variety of backgrounds and experiences. How would you benefit from and contribute to such an environment? Consider variables such as your talents, travels, leadership activities, volunteer services, and cultural experiences. Only personal essays submitted via our website will be considered. You may enter a maximum of 3800 characters including spaces.

The amount of culture and diversity that is brought to the Rutgers New Brunswick campus each year is amazing. People from all over come to Rutgers to get a great education. Not only are these people learning in the classroom, but they are learning from other students. They are learning from the people who come from a different state or someone with a different religion. This combination of people makes for a truly great education and experience.

People wonder what a middle class white girl from suburban New Jersey could possibly have to contribute to the diversity of Rutgers. While I may not have any religious beliefs or be fluent in another language, I feel like I really do have a lot to offer. I think that getting involved with the New Jersey Folk Festival could be a really good thing. I appreciate all of the different cultures that are brought together when attending a university. The New Jersey Folk Festival is a great way to embrace this culture and open people's minds.

As a student who wants to study graphic design and marketing, contributing to the efforts of the folk festival is a perfect way to really get introduced to working in these areas. I would love to be able to say I helped promote culture and diversity in New Jersey by bringing so many people together to appreciate art and music.

Rutgers University is a vibrant community of people with a wide variety of backgrounds and experiences. How would you benefit from and contribute to such an environment? Consider variables such as your talents, travels, leadership activities, volunteer services, and cultural experiences. Only personal essays submitted via our website will be considered. You may enter a maximum of 3800 characters including spaces.

The amount of culture and diversity that is brought to the Rutgers New Brunswick campus each year is amazing. People from all over come to Rutgers to get a great education (Tell something special in Rutger! Every university offers a great education). Not only are these people learning in the classroom, but they are learning from other students. They are learning from the people who come from a different state or someone with a different religion. This combination of people makes for a truly great education and experience.

People wonder what a middle class white girl from suburban New Jersey could possibly have to contribute to the diversity of Rutgers. While I may not have any religious beliefs or be fluent in another language, I feel like I really do have a lot to offer. I think that getting involved with the New Jersey Folk Festival could be a really good thing. I appreciate all of the different cultures that are brought together when attending a university. The New Jersey Folk Festival is a great way to embrace this culture and open people's minds.

As a student who wants to study graphic design and marketing, contributing to the efforts of the folk festival is a perfect way to really get introduced to working in these areas. I would love to be able to say I have helped promote culture and diversity in New Jersey by bringing so many people together to appreciate art and music.

I think you should tell things specificly, offer a specific example about your love of music and art.

I think the whole first paragraph is too obvious. The second paragraph gets very interesting! How about condensing the whole first paragraph into a single sentence -- an interesting sentence -- that you will tack on to the beginning of paragraph 2? That will make the essay more powerful. As it is now, it gets off to a slow start with all the obviousness.

I think that getting involved with the New Jersey Folk Festival could be a really good thing. ----This is a good topic to use, but replace the word thing with a more descriptive word.

It will be good if you think of some plans (for contributing to diversity) that are related to your chosen field. Is art the field of study that interests you most?

:-)