The Common App's third prompt is as follows: Reflect on a time when you challenged a belief or idea. What prompted you to act? Would you make the same decision again? 650 Word Maximum, as is the usual with Common App Essays.
As I stepped out of the car onto the pavement at Northern Arizona University, I was apprehensive about what would happen that week at Boys State. I had never met the students from Deer Valley who had gone previously, and it was almost assured that the three others that had come with me would be nowhere in sight for the next few hours. Yet, as I made the trek to McConnell Hall after checking in, I was greeted by my group's guidance counselor and his assistant, and I was guided to the room that I'd only be seeing a few hours each day. As the group and I acquainted ourselves, there was a noticeable drop in the tension that surrounded us all. When the time came for us to depart for the assembly hall, we were conversing as if we had known each other for years, ready to take on what Boys State would throw at us. As it turned out, the demand we placed upon ourselves would be far greater than anyone could have expected; by the next day, my group had decided that we didn't like the way Boys State was being handled by some of the other counselors, and we were going to secede.
With the emphasis the staff placed on proper government, we had the notion that each person would be treated with respect, but this was not the case. One of the other counselors took it upon himself to enforce standards upon us that were held against no other group, and we found this concept to be against the very beliefs that they were teaching to us at the daily assemblies. I was outraged, as was the remainder of my group, so we took it upon ourselves to help end the injustice that had been levied upon us. Our initial response was to talk with our own counselor, and he offered to consult the offending staff member, but it had no effect. It was in that moment that we decided enough was enough, that if anything was going to get done, it could only be if we seized the moment to take action ourselves.
In between the various sessions of the day, we developed the strategy of secession as a last resort, but as time passed it looked as though it may be the only solution, even if it would only be a symbolic victory for us. After curfew on the third day, we all met behind closed doors to draft a Declaration of Independence for our city and a new Constitution to govern ourselves. At the start of the next day, we presented it to the Governor and his staff to prove that we were ready to defend the idea that all people deserve equal treatment.
Unfortunately, the staff never let us finish our plan, but the point had been made, and eventually the director came to talk to us about the reasoning behind our aspiration to secede. After we had explained to him that we had decided to stand up for our beliefs, he commended us on our devotion to stand up for what was right, and told us that he would soon be talking to the offending counselor. We all celebrated the success, and we all agreed that should the need arise once more we now had a responsibility to inspire change however we are able to, for we will all have something to give back to the world if given a chance, and I believe that everyone should be able to seize that opportunity.
Coby, I believe that this highly effective essay would be made even better if you were to present specific instances of your group experiencing the offensive treatment from the counselor. While you mentioned that there were instances of offense, you never truly let us in on what kind of offense it was, why your group was offended, and how you reacted to it. Instead you merely pay lip service to that part by saying your group decided to secede. You need to present the valid reasons behind that action in order to prove that you had no other recourse except seceding.
You also need to explain why your group was prevented from separating from the "community" by the Governor's staff in addition to that, it would also help the paper if you informed us of your answer to the last past of the prompt that asks if you would take the same course of action should you find yourself in a similar situation in the future. I did not see any reference to that question in your final paragraph.
