Its a pretty rough draft of the 2010 Common App main essay. I just need to explain who I am pretty much. Thanks for the feedback!
"Oh no, not the carpet sweeper!" my mom exclaimed when she came through the front door to find little four year old me with our carpet sweeper in about fifty pieces. I had managed to completely disassemble the carpet sweeper to a point far beyond repair, however, I was able to figure out how it worked (sort of), which, of course, was my goal. To be honest, I barely remember this but my mom says, "well that was typical you, taking everything apart".
I continued to take things apart and try to figure out how they worked throughout my childhood. From the countless hours I spent putting together Legos to the phase when I took apart a variety of electronic devices from around the house.
My fascination with how everything works is what draws me to science today. In chemistry I can learn, for example, how the battery in my computer works or what chemical process happen in those baking soda and vinegar volcanoes from the elementary school science fair. To think of all the practical uses of chemistry amazes me. We can use chemistry to create alternative energy sources, to develop medications that will save lives, and to
I am drawn to physics because it offers explanations about how everything around me works. In a recent physics class I was working on some practice problems with my lab partners, they audibly groaned when we saw the title of the next chapter: "Kinematics in Two Dimensions". I couldn't wait. We started a problem that turned out to be a lot more complicated than we thought. My classmates groaned again. But I said, "This problem is really cool, look we have to account for gravity here too". I thought it was amazing that I could calculate how much force a fireman's safety net would have to exert on a person jumping from a building in order to save them. This was until I talked to my cousin (an astrophysics major) who said I was still in the "spherical chickens in a vacuum" stage as it's called in the physics world. He explained that the problems I was doing don't take into effect air resistance, the shape of the falling person, and countless other factors. "Thank god we don't have to do those problems" is what I'm sure most of my classmates would think upon hearing this, but me: I can't wait to study this in college.
Hi,
I think your first para is a very good start that well describes your curiosity to understand the world around you. In other words, you wish to anlyze things and you have a very analytical mind, due to which you developed a passion for learning science. Therefore, I think it is better that you include words such as "analyze" or "analytical mind" (may be to replace " taking things apart" ) in your essay that gives a clearer picture of your personality to the reader.
Hyphen: ...four year-old
I had managed to completely disassemble ...----oh, it's another essay about how someone has been taking things apart since a young age. I'm sorry to be critical, but this is overused. You write very well, but I have to say this is the most common approach, one I see all the time.
baking soda and vinegar volcanoes from the elementary school science fair. ..---It will be better if you focus on more sophisticated topics from more recent years, now that you are older.
I am drawn to physics because it offers explanations about how everything around me works.-----You already established that you like to know how things work.
Use a comma: "Thank god we don't have to do those problems, " is what I'm sure most of my classmates would...
You have a nice way of writing, but I want to hear more about your intentions as someone with several specific goals for the next year or two.
:-)
You shoud go more in depth with your interest in taking things apart, be almost poetic in a sense
