Please tell me what you think, as harsh as you want.
I Do Also Have a Dream
"And so even though we face the difficulties of today and tomorrow, I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream!" Martin Luther King, Jr. said on August 28, 1963 during his famous "I Have a Dream" speech.
Today, I do also have a dream, a dream of my very own and a dream of generations of my family. As a child growing up in a family with no education background, and as a foreign student moved from China to America, I have found education to be a very brutal monster that I must conquer in order to go forward. Ever since the very first day I set my foot on this American soil, my life was forever changed. Without speaking any English, I went to school. Without any help from the family, I struggled to learn English. Without knowing anything about the United States, I came around. Since the very first day of school, it was like my life was destined to "catch up" to the normal American students, improve English-reading, writing, speaking, and understanding.
Nonetheless, I still have a dream. My parents still have a dream, a dream rooted deeply in generations of my family's dream, the dream of education. I dream one day I can go to university like normal American kids. I dream of finishing university and get the education I longed for. I dream one day I will be at the university graduation ceremony as a student of (University Name). This is the very dream I dream of.
What is the prompt for this? The fact that I can't tell isn't a good sign. Beyond that, the most obvious thing that struck me about the essay was this:
I have found education to be a very brutal monster that I must conquer in order to go forward.
That is not the sort of attitude towards education that admissions officers look for in an applicant. I know what you mean to say -- that trying to get an education in a second language was difficult for you, but the phrasing here goes past that to mean that you view education itself as a burden and a means to an end, rather than something to be valued for its own sake. This may be how you actually view education, but, if so, you shouldn't broadcast it in an admission essay.
Too repetitive. I have a dream. Martin Luther King had a dream. America had a dream. My family had a dream. I still have a dream. My parents still have a dream. ??? ok i think WE ALL get the point lol
Have to be harsh, sorry
Like tsunami said, a little too much dreaming. Including the King quote was a good touch, and it's ok to refer to it again. But not so much.
Focus instead on the things you accomplished, dreams realized. That's the impressive part.
"I dream one day I can go to university like normal American kids. I dream of finishing university and get the education I longed for"
Try: "I dream one day I can go to a university like normal American kids. I also dream of finishing college and getting the education I have longed for."
Without speaking any English, I went to school. Without any help from the family, I struggled to learn English. Without knowing anything about the United States, I came around. Since the very first day of school, it was like my life was destined to "catch up" to the normal American students, improve English-reading, writing, speaking, and understanding.
You need to reoganize the sentences
I agree with EF_Stephen. Your essay tells a lot of what you are struggling with, but you don't talk about things that you you've achieved already. For example, instead of writing that "...I have found education to be a brutal monster that I must conquer..." I would say something like "...and even though studies did not go easy for me, not knowing much English at first, I have learned to conquer my weaknesses and made significant progress over the years."
thank you all guys!
