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This is my dream. It will become my reality soon.


mualla 19 / 92 28  
Dec 16, 2016   #1
Hi,

I appreciate comments on the content of my essay. I am aware that there are many gramar mistakes. Pleae ignore them as you read. How is the essay overall? What part do I need to improve on?

Thanks

How do you hope to use your college education?



I am a doer. I want to become a problem solver.

Humanity has hundreds of problems ranging from public health to global warming. Persisting problems are either too difficult to solve or cannot receive enough attention from people who are capable of solving them. Like any other high school student interested in science, I always had ambitious goals like curing cancer. However, even as a naďve high school student, I quickly realized that there is already a vast amount of knowledge about the mechanisms of cancer disease. Human genome is sequenced, numerous cancer causing mutations are revealed, gigantic biological data sets are being produced by researchers with an incredible pace, and fascinating novel gene editing tools such as CRISPR-Cas9 are now available. But yet, people still die of cancer. I do not want to give up and simply say that cancer is a difficult problem. There should be a solution to this problem.

The 1854 Broad Street cholera outbreak in London is an inspiring story that teaches me how to approach problems. Even before the germ theory was established and the cause of cholera was understood, a physician named John Snow systematically studied the infection map of London and showed that the outbreak was propagating from a water pump on Broad Street. Authorities removed the handle of the pump and thousands of lives were saved. An unconventional physician who had the courage to look at the big picture long before people even believed the existence of microbes made that difference. This is who I want to be.

I want to contribute to human well-being by solving problems. Math and computer science have always been my favorite classes. Within me there is an impersonal triumph that never changes, whether I convert a decimal to a percent or untwist the mystery in a derivative in Calculus. Math is a dazzling, creative game that captivates me because of its unambiguous answers. However, I am also aware of the fact that problems do not care about disciplines of science as well as my intellectual satisfaction in math. Being a mathematician or a biologist alone is no longer enough to make a difference. I believe a modern scientist should be able to design and carry out experiments, have a quantitative understanding of of the outcomes, and initiate and be part of interdisciplinary efforts. Therefore, as a scientist, I would like to be educated in a nourishing environment where I will be exposed to different fields of science and I can develop the necessary skills for communicating with scientist from different fields. With my college education, I want to contribute to the solution of devastating human health problems such as cancer and drug resistance. This is my dream. It will become my reality at University.

Holt [Contributor] - / 9,498 2951  
Dec 16, 2016   #2
Mualla, I admire your idealism and realism in this essay. You have managed to give a background of your dream, the history of some of your interests, and a hopeful rendition of your future. However, you are not being asked to look at your future from rose colored glasses based upon information gleaned about your interests or knowledge you have gained from books. This is not about a dream that can become a reality. This essay is all about how you will use a completed college education to give yourself a better future.

Think of the essay in terms of what your future plans are. Lay it out solidly. Lead into the kind of career you hope to have after college, where you see yourself headed in about 2 years, and your hopes for higher career goals after 5 years. You say that you want to contribute to humanity by solving problems. Which problems are these and how do you plan to start helping to solve them? Be realistic in your goals. Speak from the heart about the plans that you have. Make sure that your plans to solve these problems can somehow be achieved or you can at least lay the foundation for a solution within a period of time.

Basically, this is another, lower level post study essay. So lower your career goals. Think of your immediate future. How do you plan to survive? Where do you want to work? Why would you want to work there? How do you see your work there helping to solve specific problems? Make the problems specific. Mention the problem instead of problems that you want to solve. Start with one, almost easily solvable problem in this essay with an indication that you will want to solve more complex problems in the future.

Your career goals are the focal point of this essay. Discuss your goals in a comprehensive manner and make sure to indicate that you are sure that you can use your college education in an effort to resolve the situation or problem you wish to pursue a solution to once you graduate.
Jessica Xie 5 / 10 5  
Dec 16, 2016   #3
@mualla
Hi!

I think this essay is very good! You made it very clear what your passion and your interested fields that you want to study in the university.

Just a small advice, in the last paragraph, change "as a scientist " to " as a prospective scientist" would be better.
Holt [Contributor] - / 9,498 2951  
Dec 17, 2016   #4
Your response to "What is your dream?" is much better when compared to your previous essay. The only problem that I can see with this essay is that you presented a clear dream, that of curing cancer, along with an abstract dream, that of solving problems. You need to find a specific topic to discuss in this essay. The most logical sounding discussion lies in you dreaming of curing cancer. That is, provided you are a biology or pre-med major. If you are not enrolled in a course leading to a career in medicine, then maybe that is not the approach for you to take.

If you opt to solve a problem, you cannot be as general in take as you present in your second paragraph. Create an essay that fully discusses a problem, related to your major, that you wish to resolve. That should become your dream. Then talk about how you imagine yourself solving this problem in the future. It does not need to be an achievable dream. It can be hyperbole at this point. All that matters, is that you efficiently present a dream regarding a problem that you can resolve and how you hope to achieve a solution to it.


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