Please help me with this essay, I am not american and would really appreciate any comments or criticisms.
"Some students have a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story."
Magicians say they chose magic because they are fueled by the desire to see the astonishment in people's faces. It's exactly what I want, but I want to do it showing people that the conditions in which you are born and the obstacles you face in life are no excuse to not be extraordinary. I have faced many obstacles in my life and learned more about life than a guy my age should and could fit in 650 words, but I can try.
My dream has always been to stand highest in the podium facing the pool, my flag, and those five colored rings joined together showing the world how it should be. My early years were tough because I was diagnosed with asthma, and prohibited any physical activity in the danger of dying of a respiratory insufficiency. That's what drove me into swimming. Multiple national records and several national gold medals have been the results of hard work and discipline over the last twelve years in the sport. My parents, as it should be, set one condition, I would not neglect school. That's what I did, and I did it flawlessly, well, until everything started to fall apart because of money and my parents were on the edge of divorce.
Commonly, financial and familiar crisis within a family has one source, unemployment. Our case was no different, except we kept digging the hole we fell in. My father had never been unemployed for so long, and the stress of not being able to provide enough for his family drove my dad into spending almost every hour of every day in church and praying groups. My mother's priority was giving me and my sister the best education possible, and that meant every cent we earned went directly to school. She worked as a maid, and I tried to help with the money from state swimming scholarships. Food became something irrelevant; we could always eat beans and tortillas, but my dad didn't share her priorities, and the difference in my parent's ideologies together with the weight of coming close to bankrupt tore our family apart.
As one could expect, we weren't able to pay for the education I was receiving, but we didn't give up. After wandering from a good high school to another four times in two years creating debts and loosing credit for the classes I took, I started taking classes as a listener. Forgetting credits for any AP, honors classes or NHS that I had or could have done, but learning, getting the education my mother and I always wanted me to have, but couldn't give me, without hurting my family financially anymore. Yes, they took my high school work credit from me, but everything I learned will stay with me, I laughed last. It is funny how when I wasn't actually paying for the class I did not only had a great leap in my sense of responsibility but the interest and hunger to learn grows substantially. It makes you have some perspective of the privileges you enjoy, and the tools you get to face life.
I am now looking for a collegiate scholarship in the USA, mainly because that's the education I want to have, but also to help my family. Despite what my parents might say, I know that my sister, who's had it worse because she has experienced almost everything I have, being five years younger, will have a much better chance of studying in the best schools. I know the key to having a happy life, attaching yourself to a goal rather than something or someone and enjoying the ride. That's what I have been doing all these years, and I think that's what makes me unbreakable in spirit. Whenever I have to choose whether keep on working hard or laying on the ground and give up, I am always glad to have to clean sweat and not dirt from my clothes.
"Some students have a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story."
Magicians say they chose magic because they are fueled by the desire to see the astonishment in people's faces. It's exactly what I want, but I want to do it showing people that the conditions in which you are born and the obstacles you face in life are no excuse to not be extraordinary. I have faced many obstacles in my life and learned more about life than a guy my age should and could fit in 650 words, but I can try.
My dream has always been to stand highest in the podium facing the pool, my flag, and those five colored rings joined together showing the world how it should be. My early years were tough because I was diagnosed with asthma, and prohibited any physical activity in the danger of dying of a respiratory insufficiency. That's what drove me into swimming. Multiple national records and several national gold medals have been the results of hard work and discipline over the last twelve years in the sport. My parents, as it should be, set one condition, I would not neglect school. That's what I did, and I did it flawlessly, well, until everything started to fall apart because of money and my parents were on the edge of divorce.
Commonly, financial and familiar crisis within a family has one source, unemployment. Our case was no different, except we kept digging the hole we fell in. My father had never been unemployed for so long, and the stress of not being able to provide enough for his family drove my dad into spending almost every hour of every day in church and praying groups. My mother's priority was giving me and my sister the best education possible, and that meant every cent we earned went directly to school. She worked as a maid, and I tried to help with the money from state swimming scholarships. Food became something irrelevant; we could always eat beans and tortillas, but my dad didn't share her priorities, and the difference in my parent's ideologies together with the weight of coming close to bankrupt tore our family apart.
As one could expect, we weren't able to pay for the education I was receiving, but we didn't give up. After wandering from a good high school to another four times in two years creating debts and loosing credit for the classes I took, I started taking classes as a listener. Forgetting credits for any AP, honors classes or NHS that I had or could have done, but learning, getting the education my mother and I always wanted me to have, but couldn't give me, without hurting my family financially anymore. Yes, they took my high school work credit from me, but everything I learned will stay with me, I laughed last. It is funny how when I wasn't actually paying for the class I did not only had a great leap in my sense of responsibility but the interest and hunger to learn grows substantially. It makes you have some perspective of the privileges you enjoy, and the tools you get to face life.
I am now looking for a collegiate scholarship in the USA, mainly because that's the education I want to have, but also to help my family. Despite what my parents might say, I know that my sister, who's had it worse because she has experienced almost everything I have, being five years younger, will have a much better chance of studying in the best schools. I know the key to having a happy life, attaching yourself to a goal rather than something or someone and enjoying the ride. That's what I have been doing all these years, and I think that's what makes me unbreakable in spirit. Whenever I have to choose whether keep on working hard or laying on the ground and give up, I am always glad to have to clean sweat and not dirt from my clothes.
